new years resolution 2010

Okii this is late but atleast its here .. not as good as last year .. this year was wierd .. it was like a transition year from a shitty year to hopfuly an amazing year. The only way to really know thought is to find out. xD I cant wait!!!

My New years resolution:

1) Sex ... i know its the first on my list but honestly I don't care deal with it!

2)Get my Full Lisence (cant spell that lol)

3)get my advanced deploma

4)do atleast half of the things on "the list"

5)Become a little bit more better at keeping my own secrets .. i mean i improved from last year but i want to improve even more.

6)Bring up my grades even more.

7)become closer with the friends i have.

8) Fix my "problems" ....if my mom wont get me help .. i should just help myself.

9)go to valhala

10)be more happy.

~ just breathe <3

My faults ... something to do when I got bored xD

List:

1) I trust people way too easily.

2)I bite my nails.

3)I fall for people too easily.

4) I have terrible eating habbits.

5)I'm self destructive.

6)Fall for people I shouldn't ever fall for.

7) I can be a bitch.

8) I wait till I'm on my last pair of dirty underwear to do a wash >.< .

9)I fail at most things no matter how hard I try.

10) I don't see a point in showering every single day.

11) I'm shy at random times.

12) I tend to laugh at random times.

13) I worry too much/ think about the future too much.

14)I NEED to straighten my hair almost every day.

15) I hate being alone more then I like it.

16) I only shave my legs when their gonna be showing.

17) I get too attached to books.

18) My self-esteem is pathetically low even if I don't show it .. trust me it is.

19) I'm so afraid of dying before telling someone how I truly feel/ having sex (lol)

20) I hate my nose!

21) I hate my last name and really want to change it.

22)I miss my dad more then someone should after 12 years of him being dead.

23) I blocked out the bad stuff so much I'm not even sure its real anymore.

24) I'm not sure if I should believe in god and going to church was amazing so now I feel even more lost on religion.

25)I hate opening presents infront of people.

26) I'm completely self conscience (sp?) but don't show it.

27) I wish I was completly straight sometimes.

28)I get sick of people I'm in a relationship after a certain amount of time dating them >.< .

29) I say I want to be a doctor .. but truth is I have no fucken Idea what to do with my life.

30) I own a guitar i have no idea how to play.

31) I think too much.

32) can't ignore people/ hold grudges

33) I have a slight obsession with smell .. I have to smell good and i can't have bad breath.. it bugs me!

34) I can randomly get sick of people for a few weeks, but I will never show it.

35) I am too emotional.

And even though nobody's looking She's falling apart

So ... skating .. school .. hair .... home.. sweet 16 ... then off to boston. I honestly can;t wait i need to get away from my family sooo badly! my step dad is getting worse and worse and my mom .. well i just nod and smile at this point. I don't know what to do with my best friend.. In school .. because we havent talked in welll .. this whole week .... maybe a few words in passing but nothing epic. And today she was crying and I wanted to help her but i couldnt.. I cant look at her because shes throwing away our friendship .. is it worth it? I don't know ask her .. she seeems PRETTY fucken decisive. Well Yeah its all greatt ... anyways so I can't wait to go to boston I leave early tomorrow morning and then its no more sarah ... no more school .. no more mom and no more step dad and skating for FOUR days .. and this maybe be the best four days of my lifee. This book skinny ... it sucks ... and i told my best friend that I have trouble eating u know what she says "its the book" no its not i have had a problem since fucken last year way to care about me hahaaa i guess thats its though people just stop caring after a certain point .. they care so much ... they forget what it means to care .. how to hug someone and love them and ask them if thier ok... and when they act wierd u dont turn away and pretend u don't notice ... u look at them straight in the eyes and say .... you're not ok .. so talk to me ... but people don't have time to care anymore its all about time .. no time for labels ... hw ... grades .. no time for school .. fuck it theres not time to even breath anymore .. whats that about? huh ? its like all i want to do is breath ... asthma attackes .. and failing friendships .. shit .. where did my heart even go ? hahaa guess its gone ... welll I'll catch my breath eventually and friends come and go ... disorders can be fixed .. cutting can go away ... the thoughts maybe not .. but things heal with time .. where ever time may even be .. ill just hold on tight till then ... and never let go.

Breathe me <3

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

i shoulndt post this

Hes amazing and hes taping up my heart even using super glue .. but sometimes he just not there .. which is just the way he is which im ok with plus people need space ... hes perfect even with his flaws. His eyes are deep ..and tell so much of his past he hides for good reason. Hes sweet and always warm. And his smell I cant explain it but ok this is gonna sounds creepy but I'm just gonna say it .. it smells like home... you know that feeling of being completely comfortable thats what he smells like. And hes strong. And I don't get jealous .. but rarely ... i do. I wish I can control it .. but i just cant ... of course i keep my jealousy to myself because i know how he feels. .. I think ... i hope .. maybe i dont know .... ... once i hear that name .. my heart stops because i feel like i lost him .. its not wat it sounds like though .. idk how to explain it .. w.e I'll just ignore it ... Now i sound stupid cause im thinking and stopping and starting idk i dont make sense lol I feel confused lost broken . yet this guy is trying to fix me .. but everytime he starts to fix me he gets distracted goes off to the side and .. comes back to me like nothings wrong ... its not anything i mean we arent together .. and I'm just in a wierd mood .. but idk .. nvm .... bye

ps. its snowing

swwertyu

Welll .... this thanks giving wasnt too bad .. i mean i actually didnt even drink .. which i usually do .. and like my aunt had a bloody nose and my sisters contacts split in half in her eyes and we thought we would have to go to the emergency room but we didnt for that and i helped my aunt because she cant stand blood ..and hahaa she was freaking out because i was like cleaning up the blood and she was crying because she was having it for like an hour lol ..and my sister needed me to look in her eye and find the contacts that was fabulous .. but i spent 3 hours in the emergency room on friday morning blehhh i sprained my wrist really badly .. but its alll good ..
and yeah so ima goo ... byess

waesrtdyfug

today sucks. Boys suck. Family sucks. Friends suck. Teachers such. Everything Everythingsucks.! first off one of my friends was acting soo wierd today and idk wat i did !!!! my wrist is spained ..and if u say u want to kiss me then fucken kiss me! Everyone is being sooo wierd today and its sooo annoying! gahhhhhhhh
and ontop of all this i have 2 fieldtrips in one day! just like kill me now!
well my wrist hurts so im going to go .. but yeah im sure ill write back soon ,. like later tonight
... mmm

Thanks givings sooon

So ... thanks giving this year is gonna suck sooo bad lol its not even funny, but the thing is I was invited to go to my friends house. I told my sister, but i feel bad leaving my sister alone on thanks giving when shes coming all the way from Boston to be with me. So welll she and I made three plans!

plan:
a) go into my room and talk about what we are going to get on black friday
b) go to starbucks until things are better
c) go to the diner and dont come back until the next day ... start shopping then lol


So yeah .. I mean like this is just atleast it will make things easier ... and the thing is I know i couldnt handle it anyother way so this is good ... but i still willl want to cut, but i wont because ... he as in .. yeah the guy i like .. he made me scared to cut .. as if i do itll be like I'm stabbing him ... and i would hurt soo much if i was the one who hurt him so I just cant .. or if i do i wont tell him .. but he has my knives so i would have to use a kitchen knife , but thats sketchy and I'm not that deperate lol ... so yeah no cutting for now. I have an ap psych test next period and I feel like im going to fail .. im scared : ( because my grades need to get better already gahhhhh
so yeah llol .. this is my life IT SUCKS ASSS ... hahaaaa ...... welll I'm going to go .. do something .. not studying wise though ..

write soon
ps. I kinda sorta told him that im kinda sorta in love with him but its smalll ..and honestly i guess i shouldnt have told him because what if ... welll i mean he obviously doesnt feel the same way ... so maybe i just scared him .. maybe i should have kept it to myself idk ... w.e
byesssss

O And ummm ... i misss daddy

Fuck My life

I thought today would be a good day ... but now I'm shaking and not sure where to go from here. I keep fighting off tears. I am in the library doing this then in the lunch room. I cant think anymore. I cant move. I have abandonment issues and I honestly cant handle anything anymore. Most of my friends are senoirs. They are all going to graduate this year and leave me here alone. And my best friend told me last period that shes MOVING! ... What am I going to do next year? I'm going to be all alone ... megans graduating half way through the year .. eemans moving .. who else do I have? I feel like just going in a corner and crying .. because that all I know to do... Cant .. cut .. cant .. do anything .. cant breathe... cant scream.... And even if i did scream .. its not like anyone would hear me. I feel like I'm in a fucken croud yet no one knows me .. no one cares and I'm all alone. I thought that if i came to the library I wouldnt cry .... I would just relax ... not have to think .. not be face to face with a bitch whose ruining my life or the guy who hurts me...I thought maybe I would be away from it all. But the reality is .. you cant run away from your problems .. no matter where you go they will follow you. They will haunt your wake movements. And you cant ignore them either because .. they will just be there ... making you feel terrible and uncomfortable for the whole time you do. Now I only feeel lost .. with no one ..and i feel like a train is comming towards me .. my fait is inevitable. I cant help but be numb.

this is wat just happened ..just like many times before

if there were a place I could be it would be anywhere but here. It would be a place where I don't have to deal with failing grades, drama, alcoholics. It would be a place with no family, no abuse, no hate. A place where I could be in love with people who would actually love me back. If only I could escape this hell I call home. Tears run down my cheeks as I whisper "I will not cut, I will not cut, I will not cut" grasping on to anything I can; a chair, desk, sweater, blanket. I start to shake from the pain running through my veins ...is this what life has come down to? After the rain turns to drizzle my tight squeeze gives as I collapse on the floor in my quiet bedroom. Lifting up my lifeless arms with faded scars and handprints from my uneasy past, I look and think how easy it would be. How easy to just go into the office take the pocket knife and cut. Then my frown digs deeper as I think of the boy who has my heart. The one that gives me butterflies and the one I can't ever get off my mind. The tears of pain start to build up in my eyes like tsunamis comming straight toward me. Not after long I am left drowning in salty rain drops thinking of what me cutting would do to him. It would be like I stabbed him in the heart. The sleeve worn throughout this nasty usual day is the only thing left and I pick up my arm, pull down my sleeves and whipe sorrow right off my red cheeks. Pretending nothing happend, I slowly get up off the ground and get into my computer chair. I open up my buddy list like many times before. Searching for his screenname, wanting to tell him that he once again has saved my life, that I really love with him, and that hes all I ever think about. Disappointment fills my heart realizing he wouldn't be online, but rather at work. So now what? I have nothing else to do but sit and wait. Cant leave my room, cant call anyone, cant go eat, whats left to do but sit and wait. Wait for something to happen like always. Wait for hope. And just keep waiting until the past stays the past without haunting my reality everyday.

how can you hate something you love

so I am blogging ..because i am bored lol ... sooo today is alright ... i'm scared because second quarter starts tomorrow and I need my grades to go up sooo much! And I work my ass off and I get nothing. So library during lunch and idk what else. Just focusing . Its good im not in a relationship right now. I dont want a relationship i just want someone to be there .. someone to love me and save me when i need saving lol .. sounds stupid .. but i actually do need that. Any ways thanks giving this year is going to be unbearable terrible and idk if ill survive it. My brother just became a veggitarian and my sister in law is also and they are bringing their friends from india to our house. like kill me now! and on top of that .. i have my family problems.. i rather not talk about on here because its personal and i never talk about it on here because people do read this. and my moms sister aka my aunt will be here and she always makes fun of me for something anything .. this year itll be the boy. last year it was my thumbs and the year before that it was me being still a baby? wtf! ughhh So am i looking forward to thanks giving? Absolutely NOT. Will i want someone to save me? YES please do!!! even for ten min. anything is better then nothing. I have the wierdest dream last night hahaa baca was in it ... but its too inappropriate to put on here haha ..and it was wierd! ohhh my friends from singapore invited me to her sweet 16!!! and im trying to figure things out so i can go! and I get my lisence in less then 5 months!! and i can get my jr.license when ever i take the test .. which will hopefully be next month!!! yay!!! im soo completely happy ... for the driving .. the boy .. striving for good grades .. and my sister comming home .. not for working hard or thanks giving .. or my family . I do realize this is long .. but its not like anyone reads this anyways besides maggie lol ... sooyeah ..i should take a shower tonight ... i want to kisss .. lol sorrry random! oooo i was at the story today and i saw the blaire which trials and i just had to buy it for lizz! im sooo great! lol .. btu idk when ill see here again .. i want to ask her if i can see new moon with her but shes seeing it with her mom so ill feel bad if i ask ... i might pretend i forgot shes going with her mom and be like heyy u wanna go on sat with me .. and see wat she says lol ... wow im a bad person!

Its good to know that as we change our secrets do too. <3>

things i cant really explain

Heyyy .. sooo well what has happend ?? I wrote that article and the news paper people LOVED it! they loved it soo much they invited me to write another one! and it will be in the december/january news paper for he school! So I went to that party the one with baca and liz .. and it was soo much fun! liz is such an amazing friend! and The thing is .at the party she told me she likes me and i was just like well i like her too! lol but she was saying that she doesnt want a relationship right now. Why is it all the people i like dont want to date? its fine if she doesnt want to date right now atleast shes telling me right off the bat and i didnt like her not nearly as much as i like baca. I asked him out last night. This is just a huge set up for me to get hurt because i already know wat the answer is, I knew wat the answer was in august when i first asked it. I just kept adding time to procrastinate getting hurt. because the answer will be no. I can feel it. I'm too complicated and needy? am i really too needy? I justt need to be loved .. but dont we all? so does that make all of us needy? I honestly dont know wat to do after he says no. Stay single? but how can i do that when he has my heart and I just want affection .. hugging kissing ... holding .. i want fucken butterflies and love. I want to be loved. I know that sounds stupid but i honestly dont care .. its how i feel. I was switched out of my math class because i was failing. This stuff I'm learning now is tons easier but i bet i'll still end up failing.. hahaa my love life is equal to my math grades .. working my ass off yet i still fail.

wat to do ? sit wait ... I'm done waiting .. if the answers no . which it will me .. then i will put on a smile and act like im getting over him . I'll act like im moving on ... but i dont want to move on .. now when he knows the most about me then anyone else. Not when he listens and understands me and everything just feels right when im will him .. how could you let something that amazing go?

why am i so afraid of losing him ... when he was never even mine?

just catch these tear drops in our hands

I don't know what to talk about. I really have no idea lol ... tomorrow im going into the city and I'm trying to get permission to write an article for the school news paper .. i know its just oh so exciting! But besides all that I cant really think of whats new... baca is like blehh . idk wat to do anymore .. i mean cause like i trust him the most out of everything .. but if he still likes liz .. well I just want him to be happy .. because if i cant atleast he should be. And on top of that .. Liz has a party this weekend .. but that should be fun .. hes not even dressing up! but w.e .. idc .. hes just .. acting wierd, but i guess I don't really know much about guys now do I? lol I'll just have to go with the flow and wait till something amazing happens. And nicole and I got into a fight .. but I just recently found out that shes having a birthday party and not inviting me .. and this was before the fight so I'm just really pissed! and yeah .. I had my first Gyno appointment thingy yesterday and I like survived! xDD and now I feel like awesomeness if that even makes sense ish ? Umm I dont really have anythign to say except .. I wish there were breaks .. breaks of not being friends .. but knowing that if u needed that person they would always be there for you, but when you need them they arent really there for you. they hate you or just dont want you in their life. And thats when its just too hard to just let go after all this time .. I don't know what to do ..maybe letting go would be best I just I don't know how.

andd this time I mean it!

Everyone seems all sad today and I'm trying to figure out why? I mean yes today is a mellow day, but must we bring out the sadness to that? Any was today was a good day for me xD ...So it starts by me walking to my first period class .. i walked down the hall and saw sean .. hes this guy who was totally obsessed with me last year and made me have feelings for him even though hes a player and ruined my best friends relationship with her boyfriend.. yeah hes one of those guys. So I was walking down the hall and there he was ... it was crowded but I saw him give me this certain look .. like he was thinking ... and wanted to tell me something but didnt .. he gave me a fake smile and i turned to get to the next hall with the stairs. Next I see perry .. whose been acting extremely weird ..but I had told him if he needed to talk I'm always here, he didnt want to talk to anyone so thats fine. He walked passed me with a sad puppy dog face in big desire for someone to just hug him and care ... again I recieved a fake smile and walked by ... next I was having a sad face on trying to figure out why ever one was sad .. I turned the corner and looked up .. and right then ... thats it .. thats when my sad face faded to a huge smile ... It was baca and he was walking down the stairs .. he walked into me and my day was 100% better .. but my that second. Then I had math la la la .. then after math I had sports medicine ..and it was alright .. Eeman was there and sarah wasn't and i was telling eeman that i feel backwards on the ice this morning and then i started to tell her about baca and bam! sarah came in lol ... eeman taped up one ankle and sarah did my other .. it was great and sarahs my math tutor now!!!! i am soo happy .and I aced my AP test ... XD and the I was with baca after school .. and we went to his car ... and hes soo sweet and adorable and he leaned against his car just like that first time we kissed ..and without being as shy as last time ... we kissed .. it was perfect! he was such a better kisser today then ever before ..and i actually felt something today ... and before we kissed he was giving me a look and i said

"stop giving me that look" .. smiling of course and he said

"what look?" and I then kissed him ... once we stopped i said

"the look like your falling for me" and he just smiled and i walked away <3>

LOVEEE LIFEE

ps. apparently this guy anthony likes me ?! lol .. hes cute though so I really don't mind too much :]]]]] yay LIFE <3

and I don't know what I'm gonna do on sat .. after the PSAT's that is ... either go to the mall with liz .. or go to the homecomming game : / hmm idk >.<

so yeah

is it me or do people like just suck? My mom is soo self-centered and controling and honestly i can't deal with it anymore, but the thing is I can't fight back and I don't know what to do anymore. Its like really frustrating because I hate my family .. and all I need is someone to hold me ... why is that so hard? I have like the worst period in the whole entire world right now .. ouch my like everything hurts! ughh .. it hurts to laugh breath .. anything and this is not normal for a period theres obviously something wrong with me .. and my step dad is all blehh ..and i hate my family .. they make me want to cut even more then normal .. and trust me i struggle everyday as it is .. ugh .. i just dont no how much longer i can struggle for.

happy?

Things are comming together ... their good? its wierd lol .. w.e i have really bad cramps .. but ill survive lol .. and Umm people r comming over so imma go but i just want to say

I AM HAPPY ! XDDD

SAT's, Liz, and and and I am HAPPY!

Soooo today was the first meeting of GSA! and It was amazing as vice president I have already gotten soo many more people to come .. it used to be able 6 seven people and today it was a big number of 23!!!! not much but for a club at school thats a lot! and i was soo shy to speak in front of them like always lol .. but butbut i spoke a little >.< and ummmm i explain to them my sexual orientation and why i was there .. and it was amazing! i am soo happy ! and today in my SAT class my teacher told me that I have the Vocabulart knowledge of a FRESHMAN .... IN COLLEGE!!!! xDDD and and and that My knowledge over all is of a Senoir IN HIGHSCHOOL! and I actually feel smartt! She raised my self esteem .. and my friend wanted to cut and i talked her out of it! and im happy about that!! and i have synchro this friday and and and liz might sleep over! omgaa I love liz shess sooo awesomeeness and kool! lol like we could become close really fast! I AMM SOOO FUCKENN HAPPY!!!
and now im studying for AP Psych! >.< butbtubut Ima go lol .. ill be on sometime in the future .. busy as shit ^_^ sorry !

leav me alone

I'm having a really bad day .. not like a normal bad day where i say its a bad day but its not .. no this is a legit bad day .. it started off playing gym .. and thats bad as it is .. but one of my best friends .. im losing her and now well w.e .. i dont even wanna talk about my day .. i just need to scream or punch something really hard i need to do something im sooo pissed right now ... im hurting from today ... all i want to do is talk back to my step dad .. fuck him! wow really i got clothes and i left it on my floor .. its the fucken floor of my room .. whats the big deal ? the floor or the drawer their both just as dirty ... ughhh i swear i ughh i am not in a good mood .. im like fucken cryng and dont want to deal with this tonight .. i just wanted to have a good rest of the night but he ruined that big time .. i hate guys ! all of them everysingle one .. i hate guys .. i hate girls .i hate hate hate people .. im not a people person today! imnot in the mood .. so just fuck off everyone !~

First day of schooll xD

Well I was going to write during first and second perios but then the library in my school was closed lol .. but lunch was amazing! cause i saw baca! and i love flirting with him hahaa .. I'm soo bad .. and then 7th period i saw megan LIFE IS GOOD! .. and I lovebeing single ... xDDDD and and and i am officially a junoir!!! ahhh I am soo happy! .. so yeah .. i loved the first day of school : ))

Heres to the name LIZ

Liz is such a nice person!!!! OMG! I'm soo happy lol .. shes soo sweet .. and the other day i couldnt get in touch with baca and i was like flipping out about some thing and she offered to talk to me .. and it was a great talk we had. Now I am so happy for baca .. and on top of that .. i still like megan and shes single .. so we are going to wait till november .. if we are both stil single .. we will go out. I am soo happy. And my life is finally comming into shape! .. I have a few great best friends one of them if baca .. and things are fabulous! .. and school starts tomorrow and im nervious because ill be a junoir .. but i think .. it will be a great year.. scary yes but great .. all the same. .. and crushes? i may not even have time for a love life! between the fire deparetment, SAT's, skating, drivers ed, GSA , synchro, and therapy hahaa .. wat else do i possibly have time for? It will be soo busy .. i wont have time to do stupid things like smoke, cut , but i just have to keep a positive veiw on things andill be fine.. and keep eating . thats important hahaa.. everything else will fall where it shall... And i have come to the mature conclusion .. that it doesnt matter if your name is liz or frances or james ... because you didnt pick your name .. its whats on the inside .. i dont know why i was so blind to that before. Life is finally amazing again!!!! xD

Liz .. Baca .. and then ME

its not like i want to get hurt .. because i dont! .. he said he likes me .. but now this girl says their going out ? wat the hell. Does that even make any sense???.. so what i fall for people i cant have .. its a classic! .. fabulous .. my life is complete ..and now im up at 12 38 because i was hoping he would come to my house and pick me up .. my mom said it was ok .. and instead hes on the phone with his "unofficial" girlfriend .. wat ever the fuck that means... am i really that bad of a person that no one wants to date me? because like .. ugh .. i dont even know .. all i know is that .. if a guy would just give me a chance .. i dont know... and i feel tears about to explode into my eyes and drip down my cheek .. but i wont allow myself to cry over some stupid jerk who says he likes me while hes .. thinking about LIZ .. like are you kidding me! .. and . i would kick her ass any day even though she does jujitsu .. cant spell that .. cant say it either .. does it matter .. not at this point because .. i wont have to worry about saying where baca will be .. because .. he doesnt like me as much as he likes liz .. and my heart sinks .. down to my stomach just when i hear his voice ... hear his name ... think about him ... and i know he will never chose me .. because no guy ever choses me .. even if the want to .. im just cursed

Starts with a B and ends with my heart beatiing fast

So theres this guy, Shock I know right? A guy! ... Well to be honest I have liked him since like october .. but I ignored it. Some of you might ask why ? Why follow what your heart is telling you?
But this isn't your normal crush because well hes my best friends ex and she loved him and I'm not the type of person to do that to my best friend. And thinking back .. I kind of regret wasting so much time worrying about things. Hes so amazing! He makes me smile and forget all the bad stuff in life. He compliments me and understands me even though he doesn't know me .. he completely understands me more the most people. He makes me laugh and he makes me want to live. Never making me feel bad for my past or want to change who I am. He's unique, cute, smart without trying, yet hes slow at the same time. And he doesn't freak out when it comes to my sexuality/ orientation .. confused yes , but never once did he ask me what sex I date, but only if I bring it up. Never did drugs, alchohol .. but i like that shit! . and hes shy. I love that! After my past .. I want a guy to be shy. Hes romantic in an innocently cute way and he can keep secrets. He loves to listen and cares about everyone! Raising my self-esteem like amillion points and yet he won't ask me out ... I just .. I will say yes in a split second soo he should just ask already.

About to have a mental break down hahaa

I feel like my life is ending ... wierd yes ! .. why? I'm not really sure. Maybe its the fact that I'm going to get my licence soon .. or the fact that I'll be looking at colleges soon. Maybe I'm just afraid that life .. is going to get complicated again ... when now it seems way too simple. Maybe I'm afraid that my happiness wont last .. or that I've waisted my life worrying about what will happen next in stead of enjoying what i have. Maybe its the fact that I'm sitting here .. thinking about my past .. wanting to be close with everyone in my life ... and yet people reject me. My ex's .. friends I had in the past .. all of them .. reject me as if I am some infectious disease ... am I really that bad? Can people not tolerate me? ... All i want is to know people care .. maybe I wish that I would hear sirens and wake up in a hospital just to figure out .. who really cares ..and then what goes through my mind next .. well ... Woody ... and a bunch of people ... Baca ... Baca is an amazing guy .. but if you like me just tell me! i hate when people dont tell me. Its worth a shot .. but fuck ... nooo relationship! .. i dont do relationships anymore .. last time i did ... well .. im a bad girlfriend hahaa .. all of my exs know that ..weather they bitch slap me for it or not .. well w.e .... What I'm saying is .... how could i make my time living worth while .. if i dont know how long i am actually living for? .... i dont have a deadline .. for when i need to do all this shit.. wat if i die today .. or last night .. wat if I die in a week ... will the people i want to care .. be at my funeral? ... will they give me ... just one last gift .. one last saticfaction before i leave? .... what if i get cancer ... would they become closer to me with fears that i will die .. or will they remain the same stuck up bitches that they always were. What if I'm waisting ... my time with people who really dont care .. what if they are the type of people who will through away a friendship .. for love.What if .. im nothing to them and they never even think about me .. and what if im a lost cause. Who knows maybe I am already dead.
but then again ... isn't everyone?

back to normal!

Today something rare happened. Something that is so kind and makes you think twice about reality .. about the community and about the people who surround us each day. It was a moment that made my day go from normal to wow people care. Strangers care! I was walking from one rink to the other and a stranger looked up at me .. smiled and said "Hi" I was so Happy it made me realize ..there really are some decent people still left in this world.

and therefore making me completely happy .. like my old self! xD

My Mission!

Three nose bleeds in the past 2 days. I am dehydrated .. and feel fat .. and stupid ... and this is what skating camp does to me. Ok well maybe its a little much. I just wish things in life could be what they were .. when I was young and innocent. When I was happy all the time. When I didnt think too much about things .. and In fact I didnt think about things at all. I was completely happy all the time. And now ... I get sad .. if a guy doesnt txt back .. and i ignore the fact that I had a dream about making out with a girll .. and Im becoming Someone I dont recognice .. A person ... who thinks about how many calories they eat .. and feels bad for masturbating. A person who isnt afraid to talk to strangers ..and doesnt drink water .. well ok i never drank water ... but seriously ! lol .. I need to be myself again .. but who is that person? The person I used to be ... I dont remember who that was. .. but my mission this summer ... is to find who I really am.

AMEN!

GAY DOES NOT MEAN STUPID!

GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY .. do kids know how to like stfu? GAY IS NOT A SYNONYM for STUPID or RETARDED!.. ughhh ... it pisses me off but of course I have to pretend I am straight and that it doesnt bother me .. and ugh its sooo annoying ... soo I really cant wait to go home .. where my friends dont say "THATS SOO GAY!" ... because .. they know it bothers me .. because they know gay doesnt mean stupid! ... because ... they know that even if no one they are around is gay .. that doesnt mean that they arent there .. they could just be in the closet... they know ... how to respect people and thats why I love my friends .. and I honestly cant stand when people use the work gay in a negative way .. i want to fucken expload!!!! ahhh

life is just there

Sooo life is kinda just there .. as I fall out of being confused and sad to being surrounded my friends and laughter .. wiping away my mask! .. And I am finally who I thought I would be .. Proud and standing. Although Math ... is getting me stressed and nervous ... And I am very much worried that I will fail the regents in august but I really shouldnt think about that right now. I should worry about it being half a year and skating and just focus on my friends. And protecting and taking care of them. I wish I could make sure everyone I care about is safe. I finished the movie My Sisters Keeper and it really made me think about life and My sister. And everyone around me. I think that it is important to care about the people around you and to make sure they know you care about them. I appsolutly have a deep heart for every one close to me. Although I decided that I am not ready to date for now and maybe in the future I will be able to be, but now I should focus on myself and understanding who I am. I want to help my friends be ok.

Wanting to just be ok I really want Woody to be ok. He who shall not be named online anymore .. is sweet and doesnt deserve to be sad. And although he seems ok.. I can see he is in pain in his eyes and in his heart. I know that wanting to hug him and kiss him .. and whisper things in his ear. I want to tell him it will all be ok and i want him to be able to trust me. I want to stare up at the stars with him and know that what ever will happen next.. doesnt matter and that as long as we are together .. nothing will go wrong. But he is not ready to date and neither am I. I try to stop talking to him and see how long it will be before he trys to contact me .. but that wont happen ... because .. after all I am the one who is sadly falling for a close friend.

Do you ever imagine someone you love dying? Do you ever want to change reality?
"I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." benjamin button
or my sisters keeper
"

heres to life

So I had something dramatic happend to me today and like I cried for 3 hours but I am soo proud of myself because this time last year i would have cut! ... but not this year. I simply cursed a lot and cried hahaa But the thing i realized is .. .. everyone is hiding something wheather its as small as a parent dying or as big as cancer. Whether or not they tell you .. doesnt depend on how much they trust you .. or weather your close or not .. but rather how they feel about it. One day they might wake up and realize its funny and thats the day they come to terms with it and tell you.

Some people go through a lot .. like losing a parent .. failing tests even when they work hard ... trusting way too many people .. and getting themselves into trouble .. with drugs eating disorders .. cutting? people around us .. make mistakes every day .. but why does it always feel as though our mistakes are being looked at with a microscope?!
So I am going to camp in like wat 2 .. 3 days .. and when i get there .. i will be on my phone constantly .. freaking out about me not having internet .. and wondering .. if things will change. They changed last year .. alot .. i with i could tell meghan how much she helped me. If it werent for her ... god only knows where i would be .. because between her and alyssa they made me realize that people do care about me .. and people get hurt all the time but cutting just hurts the people around you .

you make who you are ... if you want to change you have to fight for who you are.. who you really are. So Im going to leave it off with this message right here and if i get internet in camp i shall write then ... otherwise .. idk .. be on sometime soon <3

Lets run away to valhala and drop tears from our hearts

because I dont think i can go to valhala on fathers day .. just like last year .. I cant. I never get to see him! but I shall write a letter to him on here because .. as long as the words I want him to see are written I'm sure they will find their way to him.

Dear Daddy,
This past few months since I gave you the last letter has really changed who I am. First off I am working hard in school again and really trying to get good grades.. even though I'm not .. I am trying. Next I Shall talk about my orientation .. because to me it is important that you know about it. As of this moment I like guy and do not want to date girls ever again. I will go after guys for now on, but if a girl comes to be .. I wont turn her down ... I would give her a chance . unless i'm taken .. duhh. Theres something about guys that I forgot I liked in them, but I dont know what it is... just the fact that what scott did to me .. ruined me .... and I was confused and then Liz ..and maggie .. but now I am back. Liz is out of my life .. and so I shall figure out who I really am. Next I am not sure if I told you about this but I have a huge crush on a boy! .. You would totally aprove daddy!!! hes jewish and Smart and Cute and funny and is easy to talk to .. well if i could breathe when I see him lol .. But he doesnt like when I write his name on here so I shall respect his wishs... I really miss you daddy... there is soo much I need to tell you ..but I feel as though non of it has a purpose .. in our relationship ... I mean .. Only the important stuff.. being I dont have enough time to tell it all. I wish I could hug you .. or have atleast said good bye. You make my life a mystery and sometimes I think what life would be like if you hadn't died. Well I would have never cut and I would have a normal mom ... I wouldnt have taken care of myself for the passed 12 years. And Alexandra is doing soo much better .. I feel like being away from mom and ron has really helped her and I get close! which is good! I wish I could write it all out. Every reason for every tear .. that falls .. or the reasons I miss you.. or the way I am who I am. I wish i could write down I much i miss you but even that much is impossible. I miss you more then words could describe. I feel like I need to run to you and give you a huge hug! I think I am mostly afraid that I will forget your voice or the way you look... I am afraid that i will become mom .. after you died. or just lose it all. I am holding on because honestly ... when I see you I want you to see how much I did and I want to know how proud of me you are. I miss seeing you ... the unhealthy food .. the car rides .. and the lessons which were few .. that i learned from you .. this is more like a memory telling then a letter of how I am .. because I miss you soo greatly .. but I dont talk about it to my friends .. the only person who knew was Liz and now I lost her ... so now I might tell the guy I like .. how much I miss you .. but I am .. I don't know. Its different with him .. you are a dad .. you are my guidence ... i needed that and instead when you died I lost all of my guidence.. forced to fend for myself. I just need a little help from you daddy .. I need you to give me enough stregth to get through these finals with all passing grades ! .. never have I ever passed all of my finals there fore I really need your help any way possible. I would like to leave this ending on a good note.. but I have to think about that for a second hahaa ...Daddy .. I do miss you and everyday I wear a locket with a picture of u .. closest to my heart and a sand timer to remind me that time cant stand stil and so I need to make myself happy. I want you to know you are always in my heart and in my mind. I miss you soo much and I hope that one day I could run and give you a hug. Lifes not the same without you .. but I think I have found happiness in my friends who surround me and my crush on a guy who supports me aswell .... Daddy I love you .. and I really hope to visit valhala soon <3

always and forever your daughter
the younger one >.<
Samantha <3

bored during 2nd period

Sooo i finished all my work in this class ... so im on my blog. I am so stressed out about school its crazy. Im not even going on facebook except to check my messages until the 23rd because thats my last regents. I am soo scared I am going to fail ... so my iced coffee is in the corner of the room right now because i cant have it near the computerrs butbutbut its soo good i want some! omg soo i went to dunkin donuts this morning and the guy making my coffee with like completely flirting with me and i was like ummm ? lol ... but yeah. I didnt do my english hw last night but i dont really care hahaa i did all my other hw this quarter soo .. w.e ..... ooo umm i think i am getting my year book today and im kinda excited its my first yearbook from public school!!! xD umm lets see what else... I am totally and completely not ready to date hahaa! Sarah was completely right. Like last time I dated someone and fell in love i missed my best friend! i actually lost 2 best friends. I am not letting that happen again. Plus .. i realized what my sexuality is hahaa .. well you see I like guys more then I like guys ... but if a girl asked me out i wouldnt say no .. yeep ... but with me you never know .. maybe I will change how i feel in a month. But since i realized this .. i have been my like myself ... then after I was sexually harrassed last year. I mean each day I become more like the old me which is good. xD I am extremely happy because of it. I laugh more ... and i like a boy !!!! and and and .... i feel pretty .. well my self esteem is becoming higher and its all because of the guy i like!!! you see ... he made me realize that not everyone hates me. Hahaa ok ok ... well thats obvious ... wow im soo wierd ... im trying to say .. and hes sweeet and I am soo glad he and I are friends... i would say almost close friends. I hope he feels the same way. The thing is the closer I get to him the more I dont want to go out with him because the more i get to know how and be friends with him the more I dont want to loose that. I dont want to get hurt .. i get hurt soo much and I know he wont hurt me but idk .. i guess ill see where things go ... you never know. I feel like this year went by soo fast!!! omg! my heart! im going to the doctors today for it ... and lets see what happends .. btuidk ..i hope that my heart skips a beat while im there .. hahaa it always skips a beat though .. i will be standing thinking about pizza and it will skip a beat >.< crazzzyyyy <3

today for you tomorrow for me

3 things i know for a fact
1. I totally screwed up with the guy i like!
2. Liz has most deffinately changed
3. I'm am totally and completely nearvious for tomorrows try outs!

tonights jakes bm .. and i get to se brooke! i never get to see her Im soo excited! i mean i saw her this morning at temple but still!
my stomach hurts . shit i have tryouts tomorrow! im sooo nervious!! what do i do>? what if i like mess up? what if i trip on the ice ... shit .. wat if the girls i hate actually make the team?!?! what if my hair doesnt look good? ok ok .. i need to think possitive .. all i need to do is not think about liz . or baca or christine .. or perry or anything .. not think ? is that possible??!?! .. i shall try! ....
i need to not think! i need to just go to this party tonight and have fun!!! theres a concept! .. maybe perry will like txt me and assure me that im not annoying .. and he wants to be my friend. I don't want to have a relationship right now! .. im good with just best friends .. but .. i talk soo much online but in person its harder ! idk wat to do!!!!
well enough of that! omg i love the beatles!!! <3 their songs make me feel better <3 lol
ooo i have a question
and what does a horny wreck mean????

okii byes ><3

boo?

I know I know 2 blogs in one day seriously ? welll this is it! my family is driving me crazy .. and i need another person to have as a back up for who i will calll if i have a break down .. because honestly i love maggie and sarah but they arent always able to answer the phone ya know? sooo i think ill ask ..... shit i forgot the nick name but there was one! lmao ok ok .. soo ooo speaking of that person lmao .. umm im using that peom for my creative writing portfolio project because ... its really good .. ooo wait never mind lol im using why i write love poems!
im going crazyyy but u no ur secretly totally falling for me! wait the last time i said that it worked! hahaa

idk anymore!

Heyya okii okii sooo guess wat!!!!! my heart doesnt skip a beat as much now as it used to!!! of course it still does lol .. butbutbut its getting better!!! and I love the rain! i wanna like make out in the rain really badly but that will never happen especially if i dont have anyone to do it with lol . Guys just dont seem to want to ever go out with me! ahhhhh its driving me crazy! but yeah. I am in a good mood for some reason and soo I decided to write in here. soo yeah lol ... okii
welll i think Im going to go .. because I can? ooo wait!!!
I ammm so scared to go to camp this year! last year was terrible in camp I mean there were terrible rumors about me and this year I dont really have people to calll ... most people probably dont want to hear my problems! >.< .. i dont really know any more. I mean last year the rumors were so bad that I ended up just being by myself a lot of the time because people were scared of me! and then well other things happend last year too.. i guess all i can do is think possitive! ok ok
ill try.

byes i guess <3>

5 min before periods over ish

Heyya okii dookkii soo today I am in a good mood for some reason ... Well I left my necklace at home which makes me sad .. but Its all good. I mean if thats the only thing today then w.e lol. Soooo for now on I decided that ummm I will I'm not sure what I was going to say. But I have no idea how I am going to pass my regents this year. I dont understand chemistry and math well yeah thats bad and social studies is amazing. So just 2 out of the three. I need to pass all of them I need more then just a 65. And I know it sounds stupid but Im afraid of north korea attacking us because i really need to say a life. Its my goal in life. I will cry .. its sooo important to me. I want to save someones best friend . .. dad ... mom,.. cousin... someone important to someone. I need to i just have to~! well periods over byeess lol

bored?

Wellllll today i think i did the stupidest thing ever and well no one else was online and I needed to get my project done soo I asked perry to go on it for me! and he saw his name>.< thats bad! i mean ... shit! hahaa okiii soo actaully w.e thats fine! i had stage crew today and andand .. i painted!! yay!! i like painting .. and yeep hahaa
ummmm soo yeah .... parry is a name?! wtf! lol
okok .. soo yep i decided im going to go to sleeeeppppp idk wat im saying hahaaa im just waiting for someone to im me back hahaa .. yeep okii im dong for today ... because yeah im just oo im! h/o lol
yeep im gonna go because i have nothing fun to say .. ill write tomorrow during creative writing! : )

Day 4

Well like most days I skate and what happeneds when I do my jumps is that I have to have a song in my head otherwise I tend to circle (not take the jump). Today I was singing to myself on the ice and it worked. I never thought i would say this, but I can live without my ipod. I just can't live without music. Its the beat of my everyday life that keeps me going. The words I'm too afraid to say, but people sing them. I live through music. Its my life.

day 3

I seriously need music. Without music I end up breaking out into singing random songs throughout the day. Its terrible because my friends think I'm weird. I need music in my life. Everything seems so empty without my music.

my long metal breakdown rant!

this is it I need to vent .... on i cant listen to music! its rediculious! and I am soo done filtering evertyhing .. because i know people read ..this. I was doing soo weelll lbut then my crush for perry became worse and my family is fighting .... that means my mom complaining to me about my step dad and my sister and my sister complaining about them to me and my step dad treating me like shit .. because ... who cares about samantha?!?! and then I im liz because I miss having her as a friend and she starts yelling at me telling me my friend maggie is going to die and its all my fault. I shouldnt have kissed her .. woah! thats was liz said.... how does liz know is i should have kissed her or nOt! I just want perry to go out with me why is that soo hard! now im sooooo fucken pissed! I am holding back tears. I want to ughhh i cant! I HATE MYSELF! ... i need a psychologyst. I need a good friend ... i need someone who i can tell everything to! no filtering ... i dont have anyone like that!!! i need someone who will give me a hug and talk abotu masterbating and emotions and music and situations and i wont have to worry about no having a bf or being judged. I want someone who I can I was sexually harrassed and now i like girls. But all i really want is to know that not all guys will be terrible to me.! I dont want to be harassed. I want to be treated like a girl. I want to be asked out on a date and I wnt to be respected for who i am. I want guys .. people to respect my body. I dont want people to come up behind me and pinch my stomach. I dont want to think about dragging a razor accross my wrist because being in pain and hurting myself makes eveyrthing better. I don't want to "need" sex ... or do drugs. I want to have someone who i can vent to .. and know they wont over think things. I want to do amazing in school and not cheat on tests. I want to not hurt people. I want to be friends with all of my exs and know that what we had didn't mess up who i am today. I want to be able to masterbate about thinking about a guy and i want to be able to wear shorts w.e being self conscience! I want to do all of these things .. have all this but it wont happen. I want my mom to be the mom she was when my dad was alive because once he died ....my mom died and my sister . I have no one I all alone in my family. and i cant even .... idk i give up this is a really long rant! but I mean every word. Maybe the only reason I like perry is because hes the only sweet nice .. mature ... guy who wont hurt me that i have seen in a long time. and i need that.But .. the whole crush really ? I dont even know .. .im soo lost and confused and i should just stop talking btu its hard ..i give up! .. what ever you want from me just take it and run because im sooo done with all this bull fucken shit!!!

project day 2

IT'S SO QUIET! I can't stand it. I need music. It helps me function, its like coffee or something. I can't focus without music. Without the security of the words and beat of the music in my life. The feelings I am too afraid to talk about sing loud in songs. Makes me feel free, but without music I feel so empty, lost, confused. I don't know how I am surviving.

ipod? blogg day 1

For health im suposed to give something up for a week and so i need to journal it for 7 days. I decided it would be easy just to blog it here and then ..i could have it organized.

Today I woke up normally, but something was plain. I am a figure skater and there is always music playing while we skate. Even though the music was playing I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do. And during second period I always listen to my ipod because my teacher lets me, but not today. My day feels so empty and plain with out my music. I don't know how people can live without their ipod. I just hope tomorrow is easier for me.

... xD

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

^^^^^^^^^^
Ill write about this later >.<


okii okii doesnt this make you think??? it makes me thingk!!!

OMGOMGOMG I AM VICE PRESIDENT Of GSA!!!

yay!!!!

Seeing Liz with brittney tonight made me realize how much of a bad gf i was lol i am sooo gladd liz and i broke up .. i must have been horrible for her lol ... btubutbut i also realized the only reason i was still in love with liz was because i wanted wat she and brittney have or wat she and i used to have .. and then i realized .. i could have that .. i just need to fight for it and then i did it and i txted megan and i asked her out and she said she will think about it!!!!! xD i am sooo proud of myself! I feel like me and liz can be friends now ! its happy ever after .. well nto over yet but that story .. love storry is .. and safter 8 months i am finally and for now .(cause idk wat i feel in the future) am officially and completely over liz. and i got to see rachel!!! OMG! I MISSED THAT GIRL!!! and EMILY YAY!!! >.< Im happy and I GOT TO SEE LIZ! and i think she and I CAN be FRIENDS again!!!! LIKE THE OLD DAYS!!! YAY!

Daddy ... rant

Ok well I can't write everything on here because people read this. Lol that sounds soo stupid but its true .. in fact your probably thinking ..."only i read it really" aha but you are reading it there fore people read it. So any ways .. i fell like one more thing and my heart will shatter. BIG TIME! but but but I'm not writting on her to tell you how I'm still in love ...because i was always in love with her and just like all of my crushed that will never become anything, I put it in the back of my head never to be opened again. As long as we are clear with the fact that I will not ever admit I'm still in love with my ex unless she comes to me and I know she wont so just dont ask .. and i wont tell. xD

Ok now moving on ... this past week was daddys bday and I thought about it nice and hard and I am My FATHERS DAUGHTER! not my mom .. ok well maybe im my mothers daughter but not as much as i am my Dads. heres a list of why:
~he quinted when he smiled
~he wrote poetry
~he had hazel golden eyes
~he wanted to be a surgeon
~his favorite color was blue
~he repeated words after he said them to make them sound different
~he loved LOVED LOVED mashed potatoes
~he Loved tiramisu and Crème brûlée
~He was annoying
~he was an amazing friend
~he kissed on the first date (hahaa i shouldnt say that but w.e its true)
~he loved fast food... half and half french fries ex.

sooo there ya go!
hope u have a good day lol
im in class right now .. and i want this period to end soo badly right now lol its crazy!!!!!

do you ever wonder how your ex feels about you after the break up ?
I wonder what do all of my exs think of me after the break up ?

soo yeah bye xD

What i think will happen.

I had the wierdest dream It was as if it was reality. I woke up a million times last night upset almost crying thinking that the dream was true. That what happened then in that dream would happen to me in reality. But it was just a dream. A dream where I was talking .. i was actually screaming. Yes a dream where i was screaming on the day of silence. a day where people in my school get seperated from the ones who need to grow up to the ones that are respectful and caring to the ones who let themselves have more religious values then possibly maybe even their own. But this blog isn't going to critisize the way people live because i'm not like that. If they want to live like that with those values .. i wont stop them its how they feel. what I expect will happen today is i will me respected greatly by few and teased a lot by people who don't know who they are. I am atleast glad to know who i am gay straight bi transgender it doesnt matter now does it? Im going to get really nasty comments and I wont be able to defend myself. Like last year... When I was confused and still in the closet... it was so much easier for me to be silent... i guess you dont realize something is painful if you feel it everyday of your life.


Last night I was online talking to this girl named .... Cassie not the Cassie your thinking of trust me lol .. this Cassie lives in northport? or smith town? well anyways ... we havent known each other for long but we have been talking recently and she just told me last night that shes bipolar and in the hospital for depression. Why is everyone in my life going bad just when i start to fix myself? Welll on a different note:

This friday is yes my dads birthday but its more then that .. its the 100th day of me being clean.. that right .. i haven't cut in almost 100 days and I dont plan to do it ever again! .. Its nice though because i'm going to celebrate the whole not cutting thing with my friends on friday and Emily one of my long old best friends is coming. She is an amazing person and I'm glad she and I are still friends. I really .. cant think of wat else to say but i might right tomorrow because

im kool like that : )

umm may 27th

its funny how things can change over a year. Not big things but even the simplest of things ... that just change. Last year this time I liked a girl named megan .. my best friend in school still till this day. The only difference in our relationship from then till now is that we are more open and tell eachother everythign now. this time last year I liked her and she liked me, but we didnt do anythign about it because I wasnt fully out and neither was she and we were both scared. I wanted to tell her and now .... 3 weeks after I thought about telling her 2 weeks since the weststock concert where she met anthony and 1 week after i was going to tell her i liked her but then missed everychance i had she and anthony started going out ... i've been waiting .. and now its been almost a year. I tell her everyday that I like her because next time .. i dont want to ruin my chances. I just miss how things were last year.. had we been together? ... wow idk
okiii yeah i need to go to sleep now but there was my rant.
night <3

hug

*Hugs*

there ya go!

a word to all my followers ... please listen up closely .. never let the worst get the best of you .. and never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. Dont give on on your values! thats who you are and please out of all things the most important is to stand up for your beliefs no matter what the consiquences. Rules of life. please do these things and be true to who you are .. i have only 4 minutes to get to class but i needed to write this ... please listen .. dont cry .... your tears just prove your weakness .. and my weakness is that i care too much .. please smile it looks good on you


for maggie ^^^^^^
<3 : )

rant of everything? I guess

So I was all down yesterday and then i was thinking about something and so i was after school and i just got up and said guys hold this and ran .. i ran from the track to the school and back to the track and to the school over and over again.. not gonna lie it did work! but only for like 15 min, but had i run more it would have worked i guess. Thinking of going back to delaware reminds me of last year...I mean I was almost in love with rebecca at the time and then I was best friends with liz and i was bi and i was confused and tiny and didnt know which way to turn. But I realized I have grown up so much this past year its crazy. I am all sad though i mean scott broke my heart and i dont even think perry wants to be my friend .. but the whole scott thing I mean he asked me last year to go to prom and I said yes then he asked MYBESTFRIEND! like are you fucken kidding me! thats sooo stupid! then he tells me the reason hes not taking me which are things I either have nothing to do with or things I cant change about myself. And honestly if i could change them I don't think I would because like I love who I am to day and always. I havent cut in like 91 days and yes i do miss people but Ill get over it .. i ignore it everyday and it works. So another reason Im sad

next month exactly may 27th is the day my heart broke ...the day all the shit and stupid things happed .... from this time till may 30th is when all the shit went down last year. Istarted cutting I fell for rebecca I became friends with liz I got my hear broken by megan ... when she and anthony started going out on may 27th ... may27th and now its their one year! and May is my dads birthday .. i think its also mothers day. And its all these things I hate!.... This part of the year just makes me really upset. Well like I dont know

I love all my friends!!! sooo so so much and without everysingle one of them from the one i never see to the one that wont talk to me as much to the really annoying one I still love all of them from the bottom of my heart. I love rebecca ariella brooke liz melissa I love eeman megan sarah rachel josh jake scott and like a lot more people I LOVE THEM ALL SOO MUCH and if werent for each and everyone of you I would not have survived between last year and this year. Actually When i was at boarding school Melissa helped me the most, but we dont talk anymore because like liz told her to ignore me or something stupid little freshman do. Well like I love allof you soo much. I came back from boarding school for Liz and my friends and you know whats Ironic is that i came back for liz and I was forced to break up with her 2 weeks after I got back .... Irather be away .,... from here...... far away


I want wings
and I
want to
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
fly

pissed off

THIS PISSES ME OFF!
soo i wrote a message to scott.. illl even copy and paste it here ... h/o

"Scott .. what to say .. hmm well ok i didnt start to write a message to you because i didnt have anything to say. I have a lot to say actually. dont worry this wont be like the other message, but sorry if its long.

I am upset with you and i obviously as you can tell from the past, I dont really have the strength to ignore you. Its not who i am, in fact i cant ignore anyone. I am upset with the fact that i thought we were best friends. I am upset with the fact that you asked MY best friend to the prom while you knew ... whatever im not making a message to yell at you or tell you im going to ignore you because i'm not. I just am simply writing a message to tell you that i am hurt at what you did. I dont care about prom, but i do care about the fact that we ARE best friends! and you hurt me. I dont care about our past or history or w.e you want to call it because .. yeah it was fucked up and now my who sexual orientation is fucked up and i started cutting because of it... but i am letting that go and i hope you can do the same. I liked our relationship last year before all this shit. I loved the long talks and our conversations when we were ourselves. And why cant we go back to that? it was so easy and simple at the time.

so Im not trying to make you feel guity or upset .. i just wanted to tell you how i feel because its just who i am.

ps. its only awkward if you make it awkward and honestly i dont think its awkward when we hang out or talk.

thanks and sorry"



And then i went to a party and he was there and he talked to me about it and he said he didnt ask me to prom because when someone ANY ONE touchs my hips and squeezes i laugh! WTF THATS BULL FUCKEN SHIT! I AM SOO PISSED RIGHT NOW!!! LIKE UGHHHHHH and then he says the other reason is because this girl caroline doesnt like my sister .... WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME!!!!! LIKE UGHH I HATE GUYS !!!! I HATE SCOTTT AND YET MY HEART ALWAYS FALLS FOR HIM WTF?!?!?!

w.e im donE!

creative non-fiction

It was peaceful, but no one could tell. My family and I were going out to the diner. It was something that looked normal, simple, and peaceful. Most people don’t think about the background of the family or why the family is altogether. They don’t ask why we are coming to the diner its just simple. Dinner was filled with laughs and hope, but leaving the diner was more complicated. Walking on the cold concrete of the parking lot, we stopped in the middle to say our goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my mother and father thinking that I would see them just tomorrow. Little did I know, I wasn’t going home for the night, but rather I was going to my Aunt and Uncles? My father was sick with cancer and that it would be best to relieve the stress on us for one night.
Its crazy how the past could be totally different from the future, a close loving family now strained and barley talking to one another.
My sister and I would always play this simple came where I would spell out something and she would tell me if it was an actual word. This game was very amusing for a four year old. Of course I never actually spelled the correct words, but I was young what do you expect?

The night was running in as to force the little ones such as myself to sleep. I got moved to another room a few minutes after turning out the lights because my sister and I couldn’t stop fighting. Moved to right across the hall I could still watch my sister sleep. Who knew it would be the last innocent face I would see of hers.
As morning walked in we sat down for breakfast. I asked my sister “what does R-E-L-A-X spell?” everyone seemed to stare at me, had I actually spelled my first correct word? I guess something must have happened over night. But just then my aunt got a call, the call that would change my life forever. It was the call that decided my future and part of who I am today. The hardest call my mother ever had to make. My aunt got all upset and rushed my sister and I into the car. She told us she was taking us home, but she wouldn’t say anything else. What was going on? I was four, but I could still understand that something wasn’t right.

After twenty long quiet minutes we got out of the car and in slow motion walked up to my house. As soon as the door opened I ran to my mom asking where my dad was. She wouldn’t answer me so I ran past the curtain, which hid the room that my dad stayed in while he was sick. He would sleep and eat and breathe in that room for months before now. When I opened it, he wasn’t there. Confused and worried my mom and my psychologist brought my sister and I into my room. Standing silent by the end on my bed. Next to the closet that has monsters and bakers who lived inside of it and in front of my innocent stuffed animal’s. The silence broke when my sister asked, “Is he dead?” it was silent again. No one wanted to face the reality of what happened last night. No one wanted to tell me anything. My sister collapsed in the arms of both my psychologist and my mother, leaving me to be confused by myself. I didn’t understand so I laughed. I laughed at the news of my father’s death. Laughed because death was another language to me at the time. And when we left the room it had finally come to my attention that the house wasn’t quiet at all, but rather crowded with family and friends.


Night was strolling in, but it couldn’t come fast enough. It was quiet in the house now, no doctors, and no middle of the night check ups. Darkness and love brought my sister and I into my mother’s bed. We slept all three of us together, holding on to what little hope we had left.
Once my little eyes shut it was morning and it was one of the days I will never forget. It was the day I wore a black dress and black shoes. It was the day I rode in a limo following a hearse. The day that was cold and it was a day I would remember for the rest of my life.

Riding in the limo it was silent only remembering mumbles and darkness. The sound still rings in my head as if it were only yesterday that I was back there on that very day, high heels rubbing against cold concrete. It was windy in the cemetery and the cold air rushed against my face. I took the shovel and I buried him. I was four and I buried my father. It was cold, morbid, and quiet. Being it was cold my mom sent me back into the car by myself. Sitting there the silence was screaming at me, but all I could do was sit there and ignore the screams, sit there until the hope of the people around me returned to the limo and soon I would be on my way home.










hahaa this is what i have to write in school blehhhh
ps. chain smoking is even worse then smoking!!!! DONT DO IT!!!!!

okiii happy ?

soo i am trying out for synchro skating team and try outs started last week its like an introduction to synchro for like 3 sundays in a row and then theres cliniques which train you for the actual tryouts which is like 3 sundays in a row or somethign and then the actual tryouts are june 7th! how crazy!!! i have like a lot of tryouts lol. But i pulled my groin muscle! : ( and it hurts xD lol oh and i asked perry out and he agreed to go on a date .. which is something!!! i dont know its wierd. He understands that i have a past. And hes understands me kinda and he listens and he doesnt think im annoying and hes cute and sweet and jewish and nice and smells good lol .. but i like him and my heart skips a beat when i see him ... i didnt think it was possible but my heart skips a beat when i see him in the hall at school and i cant breathe! but hes amazing! and his eyes! ok so i have a thing for eyes but people know that about me so shhhhsssh tomorrow I am going to wear short sleeves!!! TO SCHOOL! im soo excited its gonna be the first time since yeah and and and i am soo happy and proud and its been 82 days! and im not going to do it ever again! :) because im myself again .. laughing and smiling and enjoying life .. and yeah :)

the final L word

Today I spent all day watching the L word and now I am here crying because its over this is what i said to my friend :
it helped me to realize who i am .. and now its over ... i relied on that show to help me stay true to who i am during the summer wen i was pretending to be straight .. i hid watching it i watched it wen no one was around .. it gave me hope that maybe i could be out and proud as much as they r and now its over .. its over and i dk wat to do it sounds pathetic


She is going to give me all of her seasons because it means soo much to me! she is an amazing friend.! I love jess thank you soo much! u made my day and you will never realize it! xD

TO MAGGIE PLEASE READ

Okii okii SOooooooo I am really feeell like shit right now because like i woke up and noticed i had a missed call and and and my cellphone the vibrate is broken .. I WAS UP AT 12:01 LAST NIGHT~ if I heard the phone vibrate then ughhh I would have answered I am going to verizon in a few days because now I'm missing important phone calls. I feel terrrible and I know technically its not my fault, but I still feel like crap. and I am really Sorry for that. I dont want you to think that I am a liar or that i dont care about you because I do and When I realized u called I was soooo upset I yelled at my mom telling her i need to get a new phone because im missing important phone calls. soooooooooooooooooooooo yeah I am SOOO sorrryyyy!!!!! Soo pleaseeeeeee be okayyyy please i am soo sorrry ... i promise im here for u even if my phone is being retarded sorry : '(
My friend wants me to listen to this song soooo:
"getting away with murder"



okii now back to school .. my teacher is soo oblivious lol

what I really think

Wow soo .. i love how everyone thinks I'm an amazing friend .. okii well obviously I am an amazing friend,but its because I actually care about helping people. I guess its now just what I'm known for. I yes I like perry, but I am glad that he will still be in my life. Maggie on the other hand should have called my all the way echeemmm ... I would have talked to you, but I am glad that you called suicide hotline. And that you are getting better? You should tell you psychologist everything, but thats only if you want help. I dyed my hair and It looks weird butbutbut .. yeah and I am working all next week. I feel so alone ... I am an amazing friend and I love giving advice and helping people, but I need physical I need to feel loved .. and i need a hug not a stupid hug I need a full body long lasting reassuring hug. Not that I dont get hugs everyday but I need this one certain hug .. I need a hug from someone I like .. like perry ... just a soft and tight hug letting me know I'm not alone. I feel like .... I dont want my life to be wasted so I start helping people now even though i am so young or so they say. 16 is not young anymore 16 is young adult 16 is driving age and in italy you can drink at 16 too. 16 is an age where if you kill someone you get charged as an adult and the consequences get harsher as you get closer to going into the real world. Drug are more obvious, but stay away from those. I want to live long so I can help more then one life. I want to make a difference I want to hold a heart in the palm of my hand. And I am so thankfull that I have no gag reflex. I am thankful that it has been 69 days of me not cutting and on the 100th day . I am going to celebrate because My life has a fresh new beginning. I love it. I love everthing, I just hate that feeling of being oh so alone and I wish I could fix it, but theres nothing I can really do about it except sit back and keep my phone on and give people the help/ advice they need because at the end of the day it doesnt matter who I have a crush on, but rather the fact that my friends are all happy and ok.

That certain thing called the boyfriend

I have no Idea what I'm going to do this summer at all and it scares me a little bit because I could go down to delaware or I could go to nyu for precollege program or I could work. I don't really know what I should do. But yes I was stalking on Cassies .. maybe I spelled her name wrong .... blogg and Like I think shes falling for someone! and thats great and even though she hates me I am really happy for her. I'm crushing on someone bigggg time!!! and hes soooo nice.! yes I know I just said HE!!!! I LIKE A GUY! and not just any guy .. oh no! this guy if nice and sweet and cute and adorable and did I mention his grades? he is in exellerated like my but he is in honors exellerated! and his eyes! they are like greenish grey and he understands me! he doesnt think I'm crazy! and I told him about the cutting and I told him I stopped and I told him about the being bi and the sexual harassment and he still talks to me! and hes coming to my party this weekend and and and he is exactly a half a year younger then me! and hes ughhh amazing! and and and did I meantion hes JEWISH! yess and his mom wants him to get a girlfriend whos a nice little jewish girl!
IM NICE
IM LITTLE
IM JEWISH
AND IM A GIRL!!!!!!
<3333>
and hes strong really strong and yes hes confused at the moment ... I know how that feels and I told him I'm always here if he needs to talk. I am going in deep. I don't know how I like a guy .. its wierd but I don't ask.

oh and the play is over and now i dont see him everyday btu I do miss the whole cast they were all so nice and sweet ... but I shall do the play next year oh! and scott wants to ask me to prom!!!!! since wen did I start liking guys again?
welll I miss the play "the boyfriend" stupid play though lol


until next time :)

rant before english lol

Soo by the way MAGGIE my phone was on aLLLL night! and you could and should have called me!!!!! ... but yeah soo anyways .. i called suicide hotline a little while back and the people on the phone are obnoxiously nice!! its really scarey and I kinda don't like it! I called and when they answered i forgot what my problem was besides the fact that i was really depressed and soo i asked for a few groups for gay w.e and cutting w.e lol and they gave it to me and that was greatt and basically yeah lol I wouldn't call again unless it was an emergency but it helps to know they r there if i need them! .. but anyways ... today is a good day and im happy ? shit is that possible ? samantha to be happy again? SHOCK! well I'm the exactly back to my old self but I not depressed as much and I realize where everything stands in my life. I am being stupid and counting down to my bday but screw it who doesnt count down to their birthday!!! it 14 days left which is exactly 2 weeks from today and in two weeks from now i will have my permit!!!!!!!! omgomgomg!! permitt~!!!!! yay!! then i could drive to school and rebeccas and maggies and ariellas and and and my friends from schools houses and places and eat taco bell or like maggie could come and i could drive her to taco bell .. okii maybe thats too extereme because well I still have to take drivers ed and well i need to be 17 in order to drive butbutbut i wanna drive now!!! lol w.e okokok soooo yesterday I like had tons of convos with perryy and and and like we took a pic together and hes soo sweet and nice and I invited him to my birthday party <333>
there is only like 7 min left of class butbutbut i don't feel like getting up and walking through the library down the stairs past the guidance office and past the gym and into the english wing .. its too much effort especially with all the assholes and they sluts and then the emos and the weird people and the people who are depressed and the overly happy people and the people crying because they just failed a test and the people laughing at their teachers and and and yeahh too much energy to get up from this comfy seat in the mac lab and go to english lol ... wow a rant about people in my school!

you have the stupid freshman which are immature and have no idea how stupid they look and the slutty freshman who get invited to partys and go and no one really cares about them but they think they are bad ass and then you have sophomores. they think that they know everything about everything yes the sluts get invited to partys but well their life is screwed as it is they don't need to actually get screwed and you have the sophomores who are friends with the senoirs and whos friends are going to the prom yeah thats my group although i also hang out with freshman and some people in my grade and afew junoirs
but then you have the junoirs who are bitchy because thats the hardest year of high school and you have the senoirs who dont give a FUCK! and and and yeah lol .. okokok .. soooooo basically the bell is gonna ring in like 3 min and soo i should get off and but i dont want to but i know you will read this soo please txt me! cause cause cause like u need to talk to someone and im HERE ALL THE TIME!!!! xD yeep and i will help you because im an amazing friend fuck its wat im known for in school xD soo yeah

byesssssssss
eww english!

rant during classs xD

I was thinking a lot about this actually. Why do I breath? and Its a valid question I mean why do any of us breathe?But theres something more to it .. there is ... there has to be. obviously we all breathe because we have to in order to live ... its a feeling of comfort I guess. When we feel stressed or annoyed or even tired at night we take a deep long breathe. Its a comfort.. A safety blanket. to us it feels like home. Why do I breathe? Well I breather because I care. My friends and family and even my peers .. they need me .. I will always be the person they lean on and trust for help and advice. I will always be the one they call at 2 in the morning crying about a boy or maybe cryig abut their parents. God knows we all cry because of our parents. They call for no reason except they need a friend to talk to. And I am always by my phone. always.

I breathe because at first i didnt realize i have an option. but wanting to save a life and trying to live my life in order to do so is why i still breath. I breath because I trust the people around me And because without breathing there would be no words, no songs or poems, no speaking how you feel. breathing is the center of want makes us who we are and I continue breathing because honestly breathing is sooo much better then dieing!



okii soo yeah I wrote that isnt it fabulous lol .. but i believe it i do i do! .. okii soo im kinda taking a risk by writing during creative writing because the teacher could possibly yell at me, but fuck it .. idc .. soo today i have rehearsal till 9! and if u see this .. txt me!!!!! cause i will either be too busy to txt back or extremley bored out of my mind!. soo even though i should be saddd .. i am kinda really happy lol ... Its crazy . cause i like a guy and he and i are becoming friends and im iviting him to my party !! and hes soo adorable and sweet and JEWISH lol and omg i really really like him! and this is wierd .. im talking about a guy but I guess Im bi. Not like labels really matter I mean you are who you are what ever!. but yeah .. and and and ... Im kinda excited 15!!!!!!!more days till im 16!!!!!!!!!! and then i get my permit and i can drive with my mom in the car and yay!!! and then in a year i will be able to drive! and i could drive to the train station or to mount sinia or or I could drive to kingspark !!! and yay!!!! drive to ariellas house or or or .. i could drive to places after school and shit!! yay!! im sooo so so excited and and and then when I can drive I can go visit my dad!!! and and and that means a lot to me! go visit him without my mom or my sister just me! and maybe a friend .. if my friend whoever that is .. wants to come lol .. thats kinda wierd lol .. but i have like 10 minutes left in this period and i really am bored so ima gonna keep ranting ..and if someone reads this is .. im imprest <3333>
okii ima go now cause my hands hurt from typing for like 10 minutes and i still have like 4 min left but screw that haha ... okii yeas bye <3333>

duck duck goose

yet again .. maggie posted something and then deleted it .. sooo thank you for that .. especially because it was titled "HAI SAM" fgeuiohbjk wnri]kbg!!!! lol I wanna know what it said, but any ways i have to go to play rehearsal in like 20 min and i just woke up and yeah ... last night was amazing but btubut when i woke up i got a text from liz! i know right? wierd! she saw one of my friends .. but did she need to really txt me and tell me ? I want an apology!!!! i need one other wise .. otherwise nothing because i cant ignore people .. for more then 3 weeks thats the max everyone of my friends know it .. and its not fair because there are people i never want to talk to ever again but i cant help talking to them and yeah now im ranting and soo im done basically i have to go get changed and fix my hair and stuff i think perry might be at rehearsal today ... omg omgomg hes sooo adorable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! soo yeah... but ummmm DUCK! DUCK duck DUCK







GOOSSEE!!!! <3

I HAVE MY stupid period!

soo honestly i don't know anything about anything any more ... i mean my life is way tooo complicated and i just want things to be simple again! i have been such a bitch the past few days to like everyone except maggie and ariella. And eeman ..ok ok not everyone but most people. And like last night i was flipping out at my friend because like i was venting and it felt good to vent but then i like was all depressed and called the suicide hotline and we talked and it was nice to have someone listen and care and realize what im going through is a lot. When I talk to my friends they either dont listen or try to give me advice or just start bitching about their own problems! ugh its sooo annoying and what happened to the days when i didnt need a psychologist and then like ../.wtf am i saying?!?!
DO I LIKE GUYS OR NOT?!
can anyone give me the answer? please! cause i need it desperately! please take me out of my misery i beg you!

Thank you

okii sooo heres the 411 lmao i never say that ..
soo maggie thank yous i totally read that while my teacher was talking lol

But im worried about the fact That You threw blood... it scares me!
butbutbut Basically Liz and I hate saying this so I will only say it once ..
Liz is dead to me. She ripped out my heart and how ironic now i am heartless towards her starting last night when i cried for 3 hours because I was upset soo i calmed down and ok maybe i shouldnt have called her but she had to be such a fucken bitch as to tell me to never txt call or im her ever again just because of that one fucken thing like no! but i didnt cut! and i totally would have too but i DIDNT!!!!! YAY!!!!!!
and I took liz off of my sweet 16 invite list cause i dont want bitches at my party .. i think liz may have made me straight cause guys are assholes but girls stab you in the back~
xD