Invisible me and the Plan B girl

You know sometimes I wonder if I am even real. Maybe I'm just a small part of someones dreams. Or maybe I'm completely invisible like the wind, love, and all other emotions. I keep starting to cry, but then I fight the tears and stop. I stop because I am supposed to be strong. Samantha Halley weak? NEVER. Yes, this is the expectation i throw upon myself. If I am not strong enough, how can I help others? How can I move forward? How will I eat dinner tonight? How will I smile for my friends tomorrow? How will I lie to everyone by speaking the sweet bitter words of "I'm okay". I wish I was like some of my closest friends. A close family, trusting boyfriend, big group of friends who they know they can count on.

I feel invisible. Completely and utterly invisible. Not sure why, I mean I know my friends see me and hear me, but there is a slight part of me that feels like I'm not really seen, like I don't really matter. And that my presence doesn't make a difference.

I'm just the plan B girl, you know? The girl the guys puts off to the side, but still flirts with and makes her feel wanted. Even though everyone including the plan B girl knows that he wont ever really choose her. she is just there to help him until he starts dating that one girl he has always had his eyes on.

Come on you guys must know what I'm talking about, and don't say you are lost because face it or not we have all been there before. Whether we were the ones guilty of liking both people or being one of the two people. Yes, the plan B girl.

And how would a girl so amazing like me know about this oh so well? Because I'm always the plan B girl. Yep, no guy chooses a fragile girl over a hot perfect girl. They just flirt with them, use them, and then break their heart because after all... the plan B girl ALWAYS seems to fall for that one guy.

So yes I'm stuck as the plan B girl again, lost between hurt and hurt. Holding back tears, and wondering if my life makes a difference on the world. truth is .. as sad as it is to admit it, It probably didn't change a thing.

whats been going on?

I know I haven't written in a while, but it seems nothing on this website has changed. It might have been because i was busy and stressed or because I just didn't feel like facing the reality of what is going on with me, but I didn't write on here when in reality, it was the time I should have written on here most. Things have been very weird for me. My sister and my mom aren't talking. which is.. .. and shes kind of the only family I have. I feel like no matter how much people keep saying "they'll be okay again" that this time, it really won't. I can't walk into my sisters room anymore because she took everything and if i go in there and see how much things have changed.. I can't. And when things get stressful, all I want to do is I want to want to cut, but I don't. I don't even crave it in the slightest bit. That's good right? Well .. it faded, but when you start looking at your weight and you start counting calories you know it'll end badly. It always starts with counting calories, then comes the not eating, then the skipping big meals, then drinking more water, getting bad anxiety, and then you cave and actually eat a meal, then .. you feel like dying, like throwing up. so you know what you do? you run to the bathroom when no one is home and you stick your finger down your throat. You gag a little .. throw up a little and get scared. this isn't who you wanted to become, all you wanted was to be happy. So next all you can so is sit there in that dim lit room next to the toilet, on the floor, and cry. You just cry because you have no control. You can't change anything from how your family is a war to if you'll get into your dream college. You cry because you don't have someone to just hold you and tell you it will all be okay. And crying feels good, but when the tears stop, your stuck in a numb depressed state. And things are all crazy and guys hurt you and your alone until....................

There's a guy who you were .. well you went out with a while ago, but you were messed up and different then and things you have changed. So he goes off to the marines and then you fall for him of course because hes not there and you realized how much you actually let go. how cute and funny and smart he is. So he comes along and makes you happy even if its just through text right now. And even though things are bad, when you talk to him ... it feels like everything is going to be ok.. and thats all you can ask for right?

military

I want to be in the military, feel the pain of strength, learn control, obediance, trust, loyalty, family, how to fight. Hold a gun in my hands feel the coldness in my hands warm from my bare skin. See who cares enough to write me, and who never cared at all. Know that my dogtags, my guns, my uniform is my best friend. I want to be respected and strong in the military. Fight to save people, families, civilians. I want to starve for 48 hours with dirt on my body going through obsticles. I want to leave this pathetic excuse for a town, the drama, the people, i want to join the military.

Wait until college? what the point? I want to go now.
people tell me not to go as if I'm not strong enough.
what do they know?

5 papers to hand in, and only 2 legit periods in the day .. hahaa

Today is a good day. I just got to school where I have first, second, third, and 5th period off, as well as leaving sixth for a doctors appointment. Can you say "easiest day ever!"? yeah. Any ways I had no school yesterday because it was veterans day, but I went to the rink for synchro practice all day! I skated a total of 3 hours straight ... which is a lot for me right now. Anyways, so I'm going to the doctors at 12:15 because I have been having problems. I get headaches almost everyday, cramps randomly, I'm starving all the time, bloating alot, and my periods are completely messed up. So I am going to the doctor today to see what they can do. 

Next we should talk about having a boyfriend. It's not like I need one, because lets face it, no one needs one. I just want to be held, to know someone cares about me, to know I will be missed, to be hugged. God I could use a nice hug from a guy right now. I don't know many guys though, so trying to get a boyfriend is really hard to do for me. Bobby is trying to find me someone, bobby's my ex boyfriend. He and my best friend lizz are going out. I gave them permission, but every time I see them together its just a fabulous reminder of how much I fail at being a girlfriend. How Lizz, my best friend, Is better than I am. And she is, that's not a lie. Shes beautiful, smart, not too fat, but also not stick skinny, shes straight forward, wise and funny, not shy, and supportive. Oh my god! shes the perfect person! .. well perfect best friend and perfect girlfriend anyways. She's kind of every thing I aspire to be. I wish I was smart like her, but the only thing I have going for me is my wisdom and my high IQ. I just wish I could be like her one day. Not shy, and have an amazing family. Damn what I would do to be adopted by her family. They aren't perfect, but they come pretty damn close. Their amazing and make me want to have a family. 

Speaking of family, my sister has completely cut me and everyone in my family off. She deleted me on facebook .. FACE BOOK ... well .. I always wanted that close bond with my sister, but why would that happen ? Anyways, Looks like me and Bro, aka Jeremy, are the only good and successful children. Speaking of which, gregg just had his son! So I am officially an Aunt. I want to e-mail gregg so badly because we was always there for me when I was sick as a little girl. We used to be closer than jeremy and I. Jeremy and I are alright, but we arent close close. I wish we were though, really badly because I want a sibling.

I am going to sum this up with a little regression:

Johns acting wierd and I am at the point where does he really care about me? cause I have never seen him treat anyone the way he treats me, its wrong on so many levels. I don't know why he treats me differently, but either way, I don't think he realizes how much it hurts me to see the change in how he acts. Is it because I flirt with him? Or the fact he started to actually fall for me? and for that matter, is he scared of getting close to me? and if so, Why? 

Should I continue to try to change the way he acts? Whats the point, if he is scared to get close to me and hurts me ... should I let him go as a best friend? Forget about the emotions or relationships, I'm just talking about him as a best friend. How can he treat Lizz a million times better than he treats me, even though I have probably talked about more intimate and private things with him. Does any of this make sense? There's so much I can say on this one topic, but I think all I really want to know is, when will he treat me like he used to, and if not now, if never, then when should i let go? I love him , hes my best friend, but could he really be doing more damage than good? 

thoughts to think about... sorry bout the rant .. but Its my blog I can write down my thoughts.

College essay.

                Change is inevitable; everyone ends up changing throughout life, some forced to and others naturally. They say the big changes in life happen over a long period of time, but I think it happens to be the other way around.

                It was suddenly that my aunt got a phone call. It would be the call that would change my life forever. It was the call that decided my future and part of who I am today. The hardest call my mother would ever have to make. My aunt got all upset and rushed my sister and me into the car. She told us she was taking us home, but she wouldn’t say anything else. What was going on? I was four, but I could still understand that something wasn’t right.

               After twenty long quiet minutes we got out of the car and in slow motion walked up to my house. As soon as the door opened I ran to my mom asking where my dad was. She wouldn’t answer me so I ran past the curtain, which hid the room that my dad stayed in while he was sick. He would sleep and eat and breathe in that room for months before now. When I opened it, he wasn’t there. Confused and worried my mom brought my sister and me into my room. Standing silent by the end on my bed, next to the closet that had monsters and bakers who lived inside of it and in front of my innocent stuffed animals, the silence broke when my sister asked, “Is he dead?” it was silent again. No one wanted to face the reality of what happened the night before. No one wanted to tell me anything.

             My world was changing uncontrollably; the once perfect family I belonged to was now in ruins. When my father passed away I knew I would have to be strong for everyone around me. And with strength in my mind, figure skating would soon become my vice, a home to me. The thickness of the ice would become my security blanket and catch even my hardest of falls throughout life.  My spins would hug me and allow for comfort, while my jumps would show me my wings and let me fly. Thirteen years have gone by and still I continue with my strength through figure skating. Not only has skating supported me, but so has my synchronized skating team which I had just joined a year ago. Finally I would have that perfect family again within my skating.  Being part of such a team allowed me to see what working together could really do. I am finally able to know that my presents within the team makes a difference and I am able to see how much my team could achieve when I work with them to become one.

           Growing up with skating in my life has allowed me to be strong, independent, dedicated, and be who I am today.  Within skating I find myself that little innocent girl I was before my dad passed away. I feel his love and comfort in each edge I glide on and it beats in my heart throughout my programs. If there was one thing my father taught me, it would be that if you want something bad enough no matter what happens you’ll always find a way to get it as long as you want it bad enough for you to feel it within your heart.

 In my heart lies academics; something that would show my growth and potential. Although I tried really hard throughout high school, it wasn’t until the end of junior year that I really began to see my future and work even harder to get myself back up in order to get into a good college. Taking AP’s and more than enough state tests through my high school career, I was finally able to find myself within books and papers for school. School would be another home to me; teachers would be my parents and friends, my family.    

           With all this in mind, my future lies right in front of me waiting to be uncovered. Everyone always asks “so what do you want to do after high school?” What does one answer to such a thing? I would love more than anything else to be able to help people. Being there for people like they where there for me only seems like the right thing to do. I want to give people the courage and strength to get through rough times in life because I was lucky enough to find really amazing humans beings that have helped me to because the person I am today. So although I am undecided about my career, I am decided that I will save a life, help someone in need, be there for someone because by saving one person and giving them strength and courage, it allows them to be able to help out another human being within the world that we live in. My heart has grown to helping people and something that I have learned a while ago is that even the littlest of things can really make a difference in a person’s life.  

the story of an asshole!

So today at lunch we put our stuff down and shit on our chair as usual so people wouldn't steal it but when we got back my chair was gone. They put my stuff on the table. So I went to the table next to me and said I'm stealing this chair and this asshole runs up to me screams NO and grabs the chair out of my hand .. so I'm like DAMN ASSHOLE! .. so after a few minutes Eeman got me a chair from the janitor. I sat down and was explaining the story to Jeannine but instead of using his name just said asshole. Then Eeman said really loud "ASSHOLE" and this guy turns around stands up and screams and walks to the table, in which he grabs my chair while I'm sitting on it. So i get up and i rip it out of his hands saying      "ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?!?" hes like "bitch stop calling me asshole!" I was like "oh hell no! imaa call you whatever I want" and hes like " Bitch stop being full of yourself,  you whore!" then decided to sit down cause i scared him, so i turned around with a fight bitch face on and said "at least I'm hot enough to be a whore!... ASSHOLE!" .... this shits going down .. last time he tries to get in my way again .. wat a dumb ass! he didnt stand a fucken chance against me!!! <3

stress

Stress would be the word that I would choose to describe my life today. This year, this month, this day, its all stress. I'm sick, have math (i need to pass), ACT's next week, college shit, and I'm falling for him again. No I can't fall, he still loves sarah. God why am i even writing about this? I know no one reads this, but still I shouldnt love him. After all hes the one who hurts hurt me, but hes also the one who fixed me, the one who when I kiss everything feels perfect, and when I'm in his arms, I feel safe. Maybe Love just is avoiding me? I mean how could I feel so much for one person, when they hardly feel the same about me? Thats just pathetic. I gave liz permission to go out with bobby whose my ex. I don't feel bad about it at all, I'm just worried that it will change things. Ever since she and him started dating (this past week) I feel like shes hardly talked to me, but I think maybe I'm just being paranoid. I just .. maybe won't txt her till she texts me just incase and well .. i guess we'll get to see how long it takes her to notice ive crawled into a corner. Ive been feeling all alone as it is :/ I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I dont want to be sad, I want to be happy and feel loved and shit. Maybe, am I trying too hard? I have no idea, all i know is that I love things I shouldn't and feel things I shouldn't :x