new years resolution 2010

Okii this is late but atleast its here .. not as good as last year .. this year was wierd .. it was like a transition year from a shitty year to hopfuly an amazing year. The only way to really know thought is to find out. xD I cant wait!!!

My New years resolution:

1) Sex ... i know its the first on my list but honestly I don't care deal with it!

2)Get my Full Lisence (cant spell that lol)

3)get my advanced deploma

4)do atleast half of the things on "the list"

5)Become a little bit more better at keeping my own secrets .. i mean i improved from last year but i want to improve even more.

6)Bring up my grades even more.

7)become closer with the friends i have.

8) Fix my "problems" ....if my mom wont get me help .. i should just help myself.

9)go to valhala

10)be more happy.

~ just breathe <3

My faults ... something to do when I got bored xD

List:

1) I trust people way too easily.

2)I bite my nails.

3)I fall for people too easily.

4) I have terrible eating habbits.

5)I'm self destructive.

6)Fall for people I shouldn't ever fall for.

7) I can be a bitch.

8) I wait till I'm on my last pair of dirty underwear to do a wash >.< .

9)I fail at most things no matter how hard I try.

10) I don't see a point in showering every single day.

11) I'm shy at random times.

12) I tend to laugh at random times.

13) I worry too much/ think about the future too much.

14)I NEED to straighten my hair almost every day.

15) I hate being alone more then I like it.

16) I only shave my legs when their gonna be showing.

17) I get too attached to books.

18) My self-esteem is pathetically low even if I don't show it .. trust me it is.

19) I'm so afraid of dying before telling someone how I truly feel/ having sex (lol)

20) I hate my nose!

21) I hate my last name and really want to change it.

22)I miss my dad more then someone should after 12 years of him being dead.

23) I blocked out the bad stuff so much I'm not even sure its real anymore.

24) I'm not sure if I should believe in god and going to church was amazing so now I feel even more lost on religion.

25)I hate opening presents infront of people.

26) I'm completely self conscience (sp?) but don't show it.

27) I wish I was completly straight sometimes.

28)I get sick of people I'm in a relationship after a certain amount of time dating them >.< .

29) I say I want to be a doctor .. but truth is I have no fucken Idea what to do with my life.

30) I own a guitar i have no idea how to play.

31) I think too much.

32) can't ignore people/ hold grudges

33) I have a slight obsession with smell .. I have to smell good and i can't have bad breath.. it bugs me!

34) I can randomly get sick of people for a few weeks, but I will never show it.

35) I am too emotional.

And even though nobody's looking She's falling apart

So ... skating .. school .. hair .... home.. sweet 16 ... then off to boston. I honestly can;t wait i need to get away from my family sooo badly! my step dad is getting worse and worse and my mom .. well i just nod and smile at this point. I don't know what to do with my best friend.. In school .. because we havent talked in welll .. this whole week .... maybe a few words in passing but nothing epic. And today she was crying and I wanted to help her but i couldnt.. I cant look at her because shes throwing away our friendship .. is it worth it? I don't know ask her .. she seeems PRETTY fucken decisive. Well Yeah its all greatt ... anyways so I can't wait to go to boston I leave early tomorrow morning and then its no more sarah ... no more school .. no more mom and no more step dad and skating for FOUR days .. and this maybe be the best four days of my lifee. This book skinny ... it sucks ... and i told my best friend that I have trouble eating u know what she says "its the book" no its not i have had a problem since fucken last year way to care about me hahaaa i guess thats its though people just stop caring after a certain point .. they care so much ... they forget what it means to care .. how to hug someone and love them and ask them if thier ok... and when they act wierd u dont turn away and pretend u don't notice ... u look at them straight in the eyes and say .... you're not ok .. so talk to me ... but people don't have time to care anymore its all about time .. no time for labels ... hw ... grades .. no time for school .. fuck it theres not time to even breath anymore .. whats that about? huh ? its like all i want to do is breath ... asthma attackes .. and failing friendships .. shit .. where did my heart even go ? hahaa guess its gone ... welll I'll catch my breath eventually and friends come and go ... disorders can be fixed .. cutting can go away ... the thoughts maybe not .. but things heal with time .. where ever time may even be .. ill just hold on tight till then ... and never let go.

Breathe me <3

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

i shoulndt post this

Hes amazing and hes taping up my heart even using super glue .. but sometimes he just not there .. which is just the way he is which im ok with plus people need space ... hes perfect even with his flaws. His eyes are deep ..and tell so much of his past he hides for good reason. Hes sweet and always warm. And his smell I cant explain it but ok this is gonna sounds creepy but I'm just gonna say it .. it smells like home... you know that feeling of being completely comfortable thats what he smells like. And hes strong. And I don't get jealous .. but rarely ... i do. I wish I can control it .. but i just cant ... of course i keep my jealousy to myself because i know how he feels. .. I think ... i hope .. maybe i dont know .... ... once i hear that name .. my heart stops because i feel like i lost him .. its not wat it sounds like though .. idk how to explain it .. w.e I'll just ignore it ... Now i sound stupid cause im thinking and stopping and starting idk i dont make sense lol I feel confused lost broken . yet this guy is trying to fix me .. but everytime he starts to fix me he gets distracted goes off to the side and .. comes back to me like nothings wrong ... its not anything i mean we arent together .. and I'm just in a wierd mood .. but idk .. nvm .... bye

ps. its snowing