i less then 3 maggie

I'm with maggie
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the end : )

today tomorrow and forever my love

new years resolution new years resolution i can do this .. i can .. i can ? right?? wait whoa! I CAN RIGHT?! ok ok lets just think about this one for a second okii soo whats one thing that i hated about this year . lets start off with that ... well i did realize i was gay .. and i got my heart broken .. really badly .. soo .. but how would that be put into a resolution ? lets think .. well well .... I want to be totally honest with my girlfriends no matter what because last time it got my heart broken and and and i want to work on not being in denial with myself for being gay .. i think i can do that .. maybe .. probably .. i hope! oh oh oh .... in 2009 I want to get laid!!! no joke legit get laid! im not going to be a virgin in the beginning of my junoir year! geez! lol .. dont laugh im serious. I want to .. hmm wat do i want ... i want to quit skating this year .. some how i can get my mom to stop controling my life! ooo okii thats it ... im numbering thesseeee okii i got it!

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION!~:

1) Take control of my life! my mom has control of it and I'm sick of that! its not right for her to do that when its MY life : )

2) stop being in denial for being gay! it ruins like my relationships and thats not right what-so-ever.

3) I want to keep my secrets to myself ... and not let everyone know i'm a lesbian because all though I'm proud .. I hate how everyone knows without me telling them!! When I'm ready ill tell people i promise!!!

4) I want to figure what i want to be when i grow up ... I sorta kinda maybe know but not really .. ya know?

well even if you don't i do and thats what matters!.

5) what would be 5 hmm do i have a number 5 .. yeah I want a serious relationship ... i dont want to date like tons of girls .. and i dont want to be single either ... I want to not fuck up anythign love wise thats what im basically saying xD

6) i want to get better grades in school ! and get back into honor roll!!! god i miss honor roll!!! : ( and pass the math B regents ! which sucks fucken ass!!

7) I want to be a better friend cause last year i was a bitch to all of my friends because of the whole cutting shit!!! I WILL be a better friend this year!

8)I want to live and laugh and have a good time! I want to return those tears of sadness with tears of joy !!!

9 ) the last thing .. i want to wake up new years day to see my girlfriend! because i love her and i miss her and i need to see her and i will <333

love spell and keeping you a secret

well now I'm not really sure what to say. I'm bored as hell and my brain never keeps up with my heart. I guess I'll save that part for another time. I am not really sure whats going on in life anymore. As ussual i am reading a book that i got attached to ... its called keeping you a secret. And in the book i just feel like .. if my mom had the nerv she would have kicked me out just like hollands mom. She would have and where would i have gone .. i keep thinking that ... in the book she went to cece her girlfriends house but where would i go ? maybe to ariellas ... but maybe just maybe i would walk to lizs... hoping that someone would love me enough to accept me for who i am .. and yes i am still waiting. I wish i could go back to the days when i was still known as being straight .. who made out with the most popular guy in my school and how boy crazy i was .. I WAS ... now what am i .... Gay ? bisexual? does it even fucken matter anymore? I know i'm not straight! Its just like in the book im holland and Liz ... Liz is cece .. my first REAL girlfriend .. my first real relationship .. and she taught me everything .. she made me realize i was gay ... and just like cece and holland we used to talk on the phone all night ... and yes .. she taught me how to love... and that will always be with me .. where i like it or not .. shes my first ...shes my first "the one". And I'm not saying that to make my girlfriend maggie jealous.. NO not at all!!! I'm just simply telling a story of who i am today. Is that such a bad thing? Well i will never forget liz .. ever .. and i'm sure there will be other "the one" ' s but ... she was my first .. true love .. and that was that. So i pray to god to thank him that i met her! .. And i legit will never forget.. but enough about that because now i know who i am .. well atleast for the most part i mean I'm still a little confused... but If i'm gay .. well i know for a fact i dig chicks .. everything about them .. their eyes .. their lips and hair ... their hands .. and the way they smile .. their curves and their boobs ... okii okii im getting into it too much but i mean come on! like youve never thought of a girl like this? yeah thats what i thought! soo yeah .. and now .. now i have maggie who i adore shes amazing and i .. i love her i really do .. but it hurts me how far she is from me when all i want to do is hold her and never let go ever! ... hold hands all night and make out ... ughhhh well hopfully new years<333>.

gay.love.trust.family.and sadness

soo basically im losing my faith with humanity and im sorta kinda not really quite sure why. I mean i get the fact that its almost the 7th or 8th night of channuka and yeah obviously that bugs me like shit and plus that makes me more emotional then ussual obviously. But other things get me down, like i know i have said this tons of times but i dont want to be gay .. like no one wakes up one day and says "heyy i want to be gay!" lmao that would be pretty fucked up. But if your gay you cant make yourself be straight that would be worse then just being gay. And out of all the things in my life so far being gay is the worst thing i have had to come to terms with .. wait thats a lie ... my dad and that whole story, but after that comes me being gay. There is not a day going by where i dont think once about me being gay. And it sucks. But being gay has also made me feel part of an exclusive club or family. A big group soo hated by society, yet they come together are the least judgemental people in the whole world and even though you dont want to be gay, being part of such a large group of people not hating eachother and really .. everyone who is gay knows what it feels like ... to have to come out, and live with yourself everyday, and how it feels to tell family and how it feels. When you love someone and they are the same sex and you cant go and tell people because people judge and the world sucks. And yes this gets me sad but being part of this society makes me happy to know that there are these people in the world who i can trust to always be in my life. and that by itself makes it easier for me to accept who i am!
And besides being gay .. do you ever start to think and then get sad and cant stop? well thats me today, but i need to talk to someone anyone but no one will listen and i know that.
sooo yeah but butbut on a happy note i went into the city today and i saw hairspray andandand i ate food!!! and 3 desserts!! yummyness was amazing!
well thats all i guess .. good night?

life lessons and rules

there are rules in life that in the unwritten rule book the thing is no one tells you about the rules and basically its up to you to figure them out. So basically you have to live in order to learn.

Rule # 1:

You have to always expect the worse, don't be negative, but don't think eveything will be ok and work out because who knows you might wake up to your mom yelling at you and taking everything away from you. just to name one example xD. point being - don't let your hopes get the best of you!

Rule # 2:

obviously you know by now that you can't think before you do everything so when the time comes and you dont think before you act don't dwell on it! it will all be ok ... depending on what you do it may be akward but here let me give you an example. Say you get so upset over your mom taking everything away that you end up calling your ex whom you fell in love with and your crying and hyperventilating and she gets really quiet on the other end of the phone its ok you didnt think about what you were doing you just needed to do somethign so you called her. relax just break the silence with a simple "im going to go to sleep" or some type of excuse cause you know she doesnt know what the fuck to tell you. point being - take what comes to you and dont dwell on the past.

Rule # 3:

so say your mom did this an you did make a mistake by calling your ex girlfriend relax, stop crying, don't cut and breathe! mistakes are suposed to be made! but the thing is you have to realize there will always be some good with the bad so wait it out and sure enough the good will come. example? sure. You fell back asleep after tlaking to your ex and now your mom walks in and tells you that you can use your cell phone when your out of the house and you can only use your computer in the den when your mom is around because god forbid you have your privacy but heyy its better then not being able to do anything! so you take whatever you can back. point being - there will always be something good after something bad happends its by default.

Rule #4 :

unfortunately you cant help how you feel about someone, but hell your only human . .. i guess this one really isnt a rule but just a fact. You cant understand how someone such as your girlfriend could fall for someone like you, but although you keep questioning it you don't care because you love her back and you love everything about her! flaws? never not with her! so your happy, but questioning your happiness. I guess point being - dont be upset and dont question it just enjoy it, life is short just be happy.

sooo if you follow these rules you'll see what happend to be today and dont worry people i didnt cut. And the only reason i called my ex girlfriend was being her number was the only number i knew by heart besides ariellas who is in florida and i didnt want to bother her. so life is a roller coaster but be happy and dont let your beautiful face get covered in tears of sadness because in this world there are tons of people that love you and thats all that matters right?

ps. New years well it better still happen my mom said shell see : /

i love snow but please go away!

sooo today was an official failur!!!! I HATE WHITE SHIT! i mean thats a huge lie .. i love the snow and i love rain .. more then anything but when the snow or even the rain stops me from doing plans i have been excited for .. for a really long time i get mad and pissed and emo... seriously weststock was cancelled and is now on tuedays DURING school wtf?!? and ontop of that I would like to see my girlfriend at some point in my life, but no .. every time i plan to see her what happends .. my mom puts me on fucken lock down .. or stupid fucken snow ruins everything!. so yes i havent written anything on this in like a week or two, but i have been busy getting ready for weststock and now i sit home when i was suposed ot be picking maggie up as we speak and then go to nicoles and get ready and do my hair and make up and then go to the school and then to the dinner .. but no no why would things go my way .. they never go my way ever!

so that was that and on top of that ...god .. i cant even talk about it cause people who know me read this but i have this thing and this other thing about this thing seee i cant talk about it cause <<<<<<> when i talk about it either my friends dont care, they yell at me , or people get hurt and i dont know what to do anymore!!!

soo yes thats that and on to something new..... I am sooo happy because i am allowed to talk to liz again .. and i dont care wat peple say she is a part of my life and she makes me happy and seriously that is very rare to have someone in your life whether they are a friend or family or gf or bf .... its really rare to have someone that makes you utterly and completely happy no matter wat they do .. and thats omg saying a lot! .

sooo i just found out that my friend micheal is infact gay!! and better then that his boyfriend is .. wait for it wait for it ... ANTHONY RAPP!!!! and if you know rent then yes you do know this guy !!! and hes amazing!!! and micheal is soo lucky!!! so as you see life is good .. and i might see my bro tomorrow depending on the weather and maybe maggie but only if the weather gets better which it wont u know why .... because i want it to !!!!

got to love it !!!! okii well im starting to get in a good mood but idk why soo im going to go and ill write soonish maybeh lol

ps. i didnt exactly wake up today and say hmm i WANT to be gay .. infact no one whose gay does that they dont wake up and say hmmm i want to be hated for who i am !!! yay! so yes there is my ps. message for this one because i was trying to explain that to someone today okii yeah byes <3

respect and concern for allll

omg okii soo i just got back from the suprise party and it was soo wierd cause at first like sarah and erin were there and dani was walking cause yeah she couldnt fit in the car so she walked to applebees and then sarah and erin left and then the waiter was nice n then mean lol and we were cursing and tlaking about penisses andshit and this girls mom got pissed and yelled at us and then dani came and her mom came in a little while later and her mom yelled at all of us and seriously if i have to talk to another persons mom omg !!! first sarahs parents then it was eemans parents then sarahs parents again and then i talked to lizs parents and then lizs parents called back and then danis mom like seriously!!!! why are parents like this but seriously !!! like idk i really really out of all the parents i have talked to over the last two days i would say i have the most respect for Liz's mom not her dad lmao but her mom .... what her mom told me and the words she used in order to tell me .. i dont care if she was my x bf leors mom or someone i cared abouts mom .. she deserved my respect out in full! to have soo much love and care toward your daughter liz is legit lucky for everything her mom says and does for her and to have a mother that gives that much care and love into something important such as her daughter I cried ... I cried wishing my mom could be that caring and loving .. and I cried realizing how wrong i was in what i said to liz. This was one of the things in my life that sort of stops you in your tracks and makes you think like wow! someone is really lucky and makes ur jealous a little bit : / But any ways .. i am going to see magggiiieeeeee tooommmorrrrooowwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! soo im happy!!!!!!!! and omg the suprise party was amazing!

soo basically im having hot chocolate with my sister now and its fun lol ... welll idk .. its not even 12 and thats when we ussually do it but its all good and omg !! i wrote a poem today during 6th period and idk i think its good ..i hope its good! I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!!! and seriously like I couldnt thank my sister enough for taking me to the city tomorrow and I am happy cause like she is home for a month and we never really get to hang out and we dont fight as much as we used to and i know she wont tell my mom about me and maggie .. like she understands how my mom works ... stupid bitch mom ! .. and also like idk my mom judges me and i wish that someone other then me was gay in the family .. cause that would help a lot but there isnt anyone else and so its just me .. thats why im not out fully yet! god i think my mom would have a full out heart attack! that would be funny actually but yeah

so thats my life for yas!!! now i gave my sister the link just not and im a little scared for her reading this ... but well see : )

ps. 3>

i just finished baking 40 cupcakes

heyy people .. sooo today at gsa it was just me and my friend nicole lmao yeah i know it was amazing! ... okii sooo me and my friend nicole are hosting a suprise party for our friends sarah, rachel, and eeman ... and its sooo not going to work out well lol .. and my sister like legit just walked in the door from being in college cause she has a kick ass long break and she n i are already fucken fighting!!! : ( i just hope that this saturday still works out .. i hope .. i mean we should go over train scheduals tonight but we got into a fight soo i might just wait until shes in a better mood tomorrow : ) and we suck .. like legit for west stock my i found my outfit and if i do say so myself i am gonna look HOTTTT!!!! pluss im wearing my fedora!<333333

LIFE IS GOOODD<3333333333333

dude i have absolutly nooo idea what the hell to write so ima gonna go !

ps. <3

I'm sure u care but u act like u don't

I hate my ron soo much!!! like honestly . i hate saying this but i .. i wish he would go fucken die!!! and when he doesnt it will just be me my mom n my sister just like the good days!!! so i just had dinner and im ignoring him and i go to go in my room and as i walk past him he mumbles "fuck you bitch" like seriouly? this is why i hate guys causee if they are anything like my step dad i may just have to kill myself! but any ways .. i just hate him soo much and i never liked him .. its not fair .. seriously you cant ask a 4 year old if its ok for your mom to get married to someone else after your dad dies .. thats like asking a baby if they like sushi! they dont know yet !! things could change and its not fair to me at all .. i wish i could go back and say no .. say no its not fucken ok for u to even lay a finger on my mom nontheless kiss her and pretend to be my dad! cause guess the fuck wat ... UR NOT MY FUCKEN DAD!!!

and yesterday my friend/x Bex and i were talking and she said that me and liz were in a fight and i was like ... wat the hell im not in a fight with liz .... soo i imed her even though she wanted to like not talk to her for how ever long soo i was like "listen i no u dont want to talk to me for however long but are we in a fight?" and she imed me back with "wtf?!? what do u not under stand about space?" and i was like "ok then fine bye" and then i went on facebook and i remember that she deleted me as a friend when she wanted space last time so i was like ok and i went to my home page and i say her name and she keeps tagging people like maggie and cassie and rebecca in notes but not me .. and it hurts yes thats right i stilll care about u and love you and value our friendship and you act like i dont even exist! soo i thought .. wow that hurt .. so im not going to be a bitch .. i dont want to start a fight and im going to give liz the space .. that she needs .. i was given space .. so its only fair .. and sooo i went on facebook and i deleted her as a friend ..: O yes that right and until she talks to me again it will remain that way .... but the funy thing is she says she cares about me .. but she hasnt noticed yet that i deleted her .. isnt it wierd if one day .. ur getting all these notifications about me and the next they all just dissapear ?? yeah .. well liz .... if you read this .. enjoy your fucken time!

wow that was a lot right there but whatever!

So my friend dani is mad at me .. why shall you ask .. because im going out with maggie and i really dont get it because i like maggie a lot she makes me happy and she makes me smile and she understands me and we could talk for ever about nothing! and ugh shes amazing .. sooo why cant people just let me be happy im not breaking up with her anytime soon ... and i hope she isnt breaking up with me anytime son : / .... but can people let us be happy? like seriously !

well idk wat else to write so im gonna go for now because its getting oh soo depressing lmao

ps. she acts like she doesnt care but i know she does .. andit just hurts

<3

cramps cramps cramps

I went to ariellas to have a sleep over .. and i just got home about 2 hours ago .. and guess wat ! !!! no ill let u think about wat happends in my life next .. go ahead think before you keep reading.....................okii i take it that u thought for a few seconds .. and i shall continue .. i got home to see everything from my closet thrown on the floor .. and i was like are you fucken kidding me this cant be happening.. and i started crying ... a lot !!!! well my mom was mad at ron too and she helped me clean it all up ... but honestly I'm pissed!!!! like cant he leave me a lone and give me some privacy .. not only cause i dont like him knowing my business, but also because I AM A TEENAGER! and a girl! .. ughhhhh I hate my step-dad!!!!!! so after that i felt like cutting .. but i ... idk n more .. because i can stop cutting, but i like it .. i love the feeling ... maybe its just the feeling of being in control .. but i dont care .. i love that feeling. And then oh dont worry it gets better .. my life always gets better ... so i thought i was lucky this month that since my period came 8 days late .. that after 4 days it was over .. but ... wait wait NO! of course not .. soooo i took 2 of my medicine for my excrutiating (cant spell that word) cramps! yes thats right i took 2 .. im only suposed to take one but i was gonna take 3 soo lucky i only took 2. and then i took a nice looonnnnngggggg hot shower! hot to the point of it hurts .. but not hot that it will do any harm. so as of now my hair is wet ... its 5:41 and im not talking to my step-dad! ... he can go kiss his fucken ass!

I hate soooo many things! .. i wish it would be more clear whether im a lesbian of bisexual .. and the fact that my mom doesnt support me once bit and goes behind my back to talk to my sister .. like eww that it soo wrong! And on top of all that my sister wont even admit to me that shes gay! its insane and stupid and it sucks! .. so its just me the only gay person in the whole family ...and everytime i want to talk to my mom about me being gay .. she says "not right now" .. then i have a ? for you mom ... WHEN? ... when the fuck will u suport me and listen to me .. and love me unconditionally no matter wat ?!?! its not fair to me and not fair to my sister either!

I wish i had a simple life like one of those people that get straight A's in school and have a girlfriend and play a sport and are straight and have a mom and a DAD! ... where everyone communicates and the family supports one another.. why cant i have that ?

AND YES I WANT HIGHER SELF-ESTEEM!!!!!

but i guess you cant get everything you want .... but u have to settle for wat u have ..

ps. im not eating dinner tonight .. i dont feel like food .. idk .. not hungry .. sooo fuck it ! maybe ill lose some more wieght!

welome to the dark side we may cut but we have cookies to sulk in the pain

you know i didnt think i would have anything to write about today, but it turns out i do .... well sort of ... you see the thing is that cutting is something .. that is well obviously always in my mind .. and if not on my mind there r always scars reminding me of it .. and its not a bad thing i mean i love each and every scar that i have. What bugs me is that people who have never cut dont understand and they yell at you for cutting and say your stupid and all that shit. But they dont have that right cause they dont know anything about cutting, but then you have someone who is always yelling at those people who cut and tell them not to and they go a head and they cut and then all of the sudden they are on the dark side .. and they realize oh well cutting isnt that bad i mean .. its not as bad as i thought it is .. and then they just become asswhole hypocrits(cant spell that word for my life) And this pissed me off like if they just left the cutters a lone then w.e but no they ughhh pisss me off soo much and then they get mad at people around them for them cutting and become mean and all emotional about everything.sooo yeah im pissed! cause like cutting .. idk .. but w.e i havent since .. the night liz and yeah ne ways i think im done ranting about cutting oh just one more thing about it .. once u start cutting .. ur stuck with it for the rest of ur life. its like the dead dads club u dont want to be in it but once ur in it .. ur stuck : ( lucky for my friends non of them are in that club yet thannkkk god! .. any ways im off that subject.

you know what i hate ... wen people hate other people who they were friends with once . just because they start dating that guy they liked! like seriously get over it .... its not like they r gonna get fucken married ... and i see this happen within my group of friends at school like my friends will totally trash this girl and wen i ask y she hates her so much shes like oh cause shes going out with this guy that i like .. liker seriously! IMMA FUCKIN TURE!!!!!!! ok ok ok i no im sorry im just pissed at how people are such ughhh immature hypocrits!

on to the next topic shall we ummm omgomgomgomgomgomg Guess what people!!!!

I SAMANTHA GOT INTO WESTSTOCK!!!!!!! OMGOMGOMG AND I CANT PLAY GUITAR FOR MY LIFE SO IM GONNA SING OOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG BUT ARIELLA CANT GO BUT LIZ MIGHT GO AND MAGGIE AND OMGOMGOMGOMGOGM!!!!!!! I CANT WAIT OMG IM SOO SCARED AHHH I CANT SING SHIT AHH!!!!!: (

: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) :) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : P

okiii im ok now i think lol

sooo yeah thats my life now .... ummmm yeah lol ...... CANT wait till NEXT weekend <333333333333333333

ps. yeah i used to hate that girl that was going out with someone i liked but i realized after meeting collet .. and meeting maggie and cassie .. they arent bad people are all infact they are amazing ... and there is not reason to hate them .. i guess it comes with time but i dont judge people like that ne more : )

a day of ups and downs

today was a really wierd day .. it started off with me being late for a test at school and the teacher like yelled and me and then told me that i could take it tomorrow and i was like ugh fine w.e i dont really care about adolesent psychology anyways, so then i go to english and i take a test, honestly i dont know how i did on it but well find out tomorrow i guess : / then i went to the bathroom and took out a tampon when i realized that the tampon i took was a super and i have never used a super before but i didnt have time to think about it .. class was almost over so i just put it in and went to class .. which would be math so i get to math and theres a sub and shes like you have a quiz tomorrow and we were like but we just leanred this today and shes like well thats wat ur teacher told me to do so tough thats whats happening. So whatever we get our break for food and then i go to class.. then i have gym and so im like ok i have missed gym soo much i really need to go today so i went to open my locker and the lock wouldnt open sooo i was like FUCK!!!! so then i went to gym any ways and then the teacher yelled at e so i was like greeaaaaatttt (i hate getting yelled at ) but after that i went to chem and i dont know chem is ok but now theres this guy that told my lab partner that he likes my ass and i feel sooo wierd in that class now, but w.e my lab partner is kool. BACA!.. ok ooo then i get a test back in social studies and guess wat i failed ooo better then failin i got the the lowest grade in the class how amazing! yeah who know i could get a 30! so then right after class i started crying .. i was doing horrible test and grade wise in school and it makes me feel terrible!!!! so then i went to this club but my friend wasnt even there n she promised me and then nick was all like hugging me lol n then hes like bla bla bla faggot and i was like omg how could u say that and then I was like oh yeah ur gay ! and then we had this whole convo about how if ur black u can say the n word but if ur white u cant and saying faggot is the same thing i guess ... i mean its still a bad word tho .. i dont like it that much ... but if someone gay says it then it doesnt offend me as much .. wow im kool lol so yeah thats my day and i still shit omg i have to take the tampon out !!! ok wow that was less painful then i thought im proud .. i think i might start wearing tampons more : )

any ways soo yeah my day basically had its ups and its downs ... but yeah my make up looks like shit still from me crying lol ... ok

soo i finally told my sister about maggie and i hope this time she wont tell my mom omg that would be terrible my mom is like terrible! lol but any ways soo my sister said she may make it a double date and she will try to work something out for the city on the 13th soo im happy!!!!!

i have lunch tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!<33333333333333333333333333333333333333

sorry that was random but i had to do it!

you know whats wierd .. i cant ignore people like i would get into fights with people but then i woudl talk to them cause idk i cant stand not talking to people .. like once rachel was like im not talking to you anymore and i was like ok fine but 5 min later i was like rachel please dont ignore me .. cause idk i cant stand it .. and its immature u no .. and like wen u ignore somone it doesnt make the problem better .. it just stays ..:/

its better to talk things out otherwise ur just ignoring them and thats stupid! .... sorry

but like i cant talk to scott yet .. he hurt me .. and he didnt even realize it wich is worse! ahh i think im going insane i really am

okii ima gonnago ... eww i dont want to tell my mom about the 30 but if i dont i get detention tomroww :(

ps . wish me luck >.<

i feel loved

ok soooooo omg i like took the hardest math test today lmao .. well i just came back from the psychologist and wow was that depressing .. i mean we still talked about being a lesbian and liz but atleast this time it was more uncomfortable because i rather talk about liz and maggie then talk about how scott sexually harrassed me n i apparently liked it cause i didnt fucken say no! Its easier to say you would say no if that happends then to actually say no when it really does happen now i understand why people who are raped dont tell anyone. Cause after it your angry, upset, you feel like crap, and embarassed. And he kept asking me why i didnt yell at scott to stop ... well fuck u dr.T fuck u !

And then we were talking about cutting and i really sounded sick cause i told him how good it feels and he made me show him my scars w.e i dont care ... but they are apart of me and i love all my scars .. they each have a story behind them and a name to go with them .. like scott or liz .. but just because those people have the names of the scar as the memorie doesnt mean that thats the only reason i cut ... but idk .. it just feels good ... but ima gonna try to stop again cause its a bad habbit,.

And today I knew that i had friends that cared about me for a while now, but i never realized how much they really cared... each and every friend came up to me and gave me a huge hug and asked me if i was ok and told me they missed me in school yesterday. The gave me notes that i missed in class, and listend to me! omg it was like they actually cared and it made me realize ... if i were to go ne where not one or 2 people would miss me but tons of people would miss me and i loved being a part of peoples lives. This shows that i have impacted their lives and it felt DAMN GOOD!

I gave sarah her birthday present and man omg her face! its amazing! i love the smile people get on their face when i give them a gift and i no they love it the second they see it! Shes my bffl and im soo happy that i made her bday good one!

Wow im writing a lot today lol .. and I still dont know what to get my friend eeman but ill get her something good .. last year i got her a hijab n its pretty lol ... and 9th period today the teacher had us use stickers and scribble all period it was like amazing!!!

I FINALLY GOT MY PERIOD TODAY!!!! ITS BEEN LIKE A WEEK YAY!!!! Lol n i was begginning to think i was preggers : O

umm ummmummm idk wat else to say : )

ok welll since i cant thing about nething else ima gonna say thats all for today

oh wait i had GSA today and we were tlaking about if we think being gay if a choice and if theres a spectrum of bi gay straight .. and honestly i think most people dont choose to be gay but some experience can help in making that person realize they are gay or feel less attracted to the opposite sex.

but yeah lol thats all for today : )

ps. MAGGIE<3333333333333333333333333 : )

oh yeah im a good friend

omg so this girl wat like being mean to my friend on fb so i wrote on her wall "
"i thought u were a really nice person .. ur deffinately talented but after looking at what u wrote on gabbys wall u seem very judgemental and very mean and honestly no one likes that in a person and u may have never been hurt like that before but i have and it hurts soo badly so please just back off and dont hurt my friends any of them kthnxbye"
so yeah and im really happy cause i stood up for my friend yay!! !lol ok
yeah thats all
goodnight<3333

no skool for me today : )

well today i didnt feel well cause well idk i had like a really bad break down last night so i called liz but she didnt answer n wouldnt talk and so then i called ariella a million times but by the time i called her the 5th time i had caved badly .. i cut but it didnt hurt i didnt feel anything all that happend was i was bleeding like crazy and i couldnt stop shaking ..... n then this morning .. i faked sick .. i didnt want to go to skool n face my friends who were worried about me .. not on one of my bffls birthday you know? and so its 12:23 right now n im home .. and i want some FOODD!!! <3333>

But idk cause i realized yes i have hurt liz but she has hurt me more then i have and thats a fact ... so im done with her ... she said goodbye and thats it ... and im happy because im moving forward and im sooo happy I have maggie <333 color="#33ffff">i might see her on the 13th and that makes me even happier lol !!!!!! omg omgomg soo yeah xD <3333333333333333333333

Omg i had the wierdest dream last night ... i had a dream that that that my brother was getting married and and like idk it was really wierd and my best friend sarah was there n we were picking out food n all they had were different types of hot dogs n i didnt have money lol n my bro wasnt getting married to his fiancy but some random girl whom i never met before in thi really wierd house n it was raining and omg it was totally wierd and on top of the dream i went to sleep with my retainer in my mouth and when i woke up it was gone n now i cant find it : O omg wow thats just totally wierd cause like idk everything lol n my retainer !! my mom is gonna kill me lol and why wont my period just come already its been a week and i no im not preggers .. or am i ? ahhh someone help lol!!!!

So yeah thats my life .. wow its a lot soo any ways dude i really want food and im watching the l word soo yeah but ooo ron just left so ima gonna raide the fridge : ) .. i might write something more later but idk ... i may be too lazy heehee ....okii well yeah ima gonna go but yeah ... ok lol bye i guess

sooo omg im sooo happyyy bex just like imed me and told me she might be moving to huntington instead and im like omfg ! thats basically where i live!!!!!! omg that would be sooo amazing!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh so yeah i just thought i should tell u people that although out of all the people who might actually read this only, one person really cares lol wow thats just pathetic but ok ... so i like hope i didnt miss a lot in school today cause that would suck ... baca is probably upset cause i couldnt help him on a lab but w.e im happy i didnt go to skool cause i got to sleep late n eat everything lol ... i love having days off in skool <3333

ps. the whole universe hates me >.<>

so im im like really happy

Ok so today was wierd ... are you ready ? wait for it ... wait wait ... wait ...

I WAS SOOO HAPPY TODAY!!!!!!!lol yeah i no its been a while! any ways lol soo idk i got to school and i got so many compliments ... maybe its cause i wore make up today or maybe it was because i was happy, but everyone told me i looked pretty today! xD and yes this made me happy!! And and and I managed to totally avoid scott today!!! like during lunch he came over n i was like heyy im going to go to the bathroom guys. heehee... And rachel like pissed me off the other day when shes like "maybe scott does that to you because you act like a slut" yeah says the slutiest one out of all my friends! well fuck her! like honestly if i wanted people to sexually harass me i would have had sex with leor wen i had the chance so fuck u rachel! but on a happier note shall we. So i think i scared my friends cause i was like legit extremely happy today xD

ok soo who decided to make things so complicated like honestly why arent things simple any more .. y do people play hard to get ... or answer every question but one ... if u like someone tell them .. u got a problem with something confront them .. and wanna do somthing just ask already lol I dont no i just feel like life is too short to waist time. im sooo happy tho like omg !!!! lol and i just ate some pie and chocolate soo im happy : ) ... n last period at skool i spent the whole time txting peopel .. ugh n the bus ride is soo painful lol cause u have to annoying people .. the gossiping people .. and the people who r on the fone ... its like can i just get off already!

soooo ..... i really dont want it to be wednsday cause then i have to see my psychologist andand and i have no idea wat i want to talk about cause like we always talk about me being a lesbian but i want to talk about other things besides liz and dannie . its not like dannie is even a part of my life lol ..i want to actually talk abotu cutting but he might tel my mom and besides that i always feel like hes judging me .. which he probably is ... and wow i keep babbling lol

soo i kinda maybe really like maggie : ) she makes me happy and smile and yeah xD

oh yesterday i caved .. but i mean it felt really good ... n idk y i did it i mean im soo happy!! its just i think im addicted again! ahhh thats not good at all

but ima gonna go take a shower lol .. i want to write more but no one is home rite now so ill bb lol

ok so im bak n now my hair is eww n im still hungry i wish my period will come alread cause like im sooo preggers rite now lol like legit i got home n had a chocolate pop n then i had a piece of cake n another ice pop n a rice crispys thing n im still starving!!! ahhh im such a fat ass <333

so yeah .. n my period is like a week late eww

n i love food .. n yeah <333>

ps. i dont no wat else to say .. except she makes me happy : )

what to say ..hmm

I really don't know what to say .. my sister just left and I am extremely tired, but that could be because for the past 3 nights i have stayed up past 2 lol I am soo gonna like fall asleep during school tomorrow its not even funny. I am downloading songs oh what fun!!!! ok ready story of my life :

1) I LOVE CHICKS!!!!

2) music = life

3) _____ makes me very happy (fill in the blank)

4) bella = love lol (my guitar)

5) fedoras = sexyness<3333

soo yeah u see how amazing my life is lmao .. and and FOOD is AMAZING!!! all the time!

I really cant wait till new years like legit no matter wat i do wether im in the city with an amazing person or sitting at home by myself .. becaus no matter where i am I will get to start over fresh a new beginning now thats amazing rite there<3333!!!

im like soo out of it i dont even know what to say except im soo happy .. and i dont really no how to explain it at all except that life is good and nothing bad has happend in the past few days wich is very odd but instead of questioning is im just gonna enjoy it!

soo life is amazing rite now today : )

omg people keep askin me if i have a thing with this girl maggie lmao .. its soo funny!!!!!!

cause the truth is we dont even know if we have a thing but according to everyone else we do lmao so yeah : ).

oh and i soo gained weight back these past few days .. butbutbut i dk cause i went on the scale n i weighed the same as b4 and now im like like really confused lol

but u prolly dont care about that at all .. i can tell lol

ps. maybe just a little bit but idk possible .. yeah sort of a little what can i say ? amazing!

history repeats itself

omg my mom is ughhh .. she gave me and my sister money to go shopping never told us wat to sped it on .. just that we should have fun and trust me ..WE DID! so then she starts yelling at me cause i put all the money towards my itouch and my money towards presents for people and i didnt even buy everyone i wanted to a present all i got was : ariella,sarah, megan, liz,maggie , and thats it (my mom didnt even ask who maggie is .. shocker there) ... and omg i love buying things for people as presents!~!!!! so now im pissed cause my siter and i were having a perfect time on black friday and then my mom fucken ruined it LIKE ALWAYS!!!

I love how my mom is sooo like omg!!! shes like why do u need 2 fedoras and im like cause one liz gave me and one i bought myself .. and shes like oh so ull throw out the one liz gave u and omg i was like "NO!" and i wont!!! EVER!!!!! its like my life !!! i love that fedora!

OMFG!!! so this guy scott last year sexually and verbally harassed me and just now while i was tlaking to my friend maggie he like came in closed the door and like touched my leg and then layed down n touched my hyp and then hugged me a bunch of times n felt me up and touched my stomach and the inside of my thy .. btw thats how i get turned on .. yes the inside of my thy ... u go there n god only nos .. so i just kept iming maggie ugh ... n then i wonder why im not attracted to guys geez .. like ewww he was like all over me i just want to go in a corner n cry but i cant even tell ne one but my friends (close close close friends) I just .. ughh i want to go throw up ewww. so yes this is very traumatic i mean he did this to me last year too and while i liked him non the less and now n he put his hand on my back and pushed it down to my butt ... ugh .... ugh ... UGH!!!

the thing is he always says how much he loves girls but honestly .... if he really loved girls he would treat them with respect and pleasure them wen they wanted to be pleasured and talked to them when they want to be talked to. I guess the truth is when it comes down to it .. lesbians just do it better (litterally heehee)

any ways that grose feeling that made me cut last year is here again right now as i type .. this very second .. i just dont no wat to do ne more .. i guess all i have to do is make it throught tonight and ill be ok ... ill be ok until that crave comes back

ps. im staying up till 2 and eating food <33333333

I Sprained my wrist ... FOODDDD !

Heyy well tonight is the night before thanks giving and I baked apple pie and made whip cream like every year, but this year megan came over and helped.. the thing is i think i like her but she has a boyfriend and hes an ass and ontop of that I was gonna tell her i liked her the day she started flirting with him and guess wat they have been together for 6 months in less than an hour lol cause its 11:17 pm. So my psychologist is such an asshole and he was like "so would you have sex with a guy" and I was like uhhh YEAH?! lol but then he was like and you seem happy you havent cut in a while and all i could say to that was "umm yeah sure" lol

omg all day i have had this song stuck in my head "fer sure" Today was a good day but physically wise it wasnt .. cause this mornign i was skating and i wa working on my double jumps and i pulled my groin and sprained my wrist : /. and it hurts, but w.e i think ill survive heehee.

I'm soooo happy!!!! Bex is moving closer to me and i will be able to have a sleep over with her after she moves!!! Oh My God I totally failled my s.s. test today and i was like crying during it because first off i have never failed a s.s. test in my whole entire life and then i couldnt fucken concentrate and i had a head ache lol.

oh and youll never believe it .. so i went to joshs house after skool and we were in his room and he not only has 3 guitars! but also he sleeps with two stuffed animals lmao and get this! one of them is names Beary!!!!! I love JOSH!!!!!!<333333333>

Right now my sister is with her friends getting taco belle and then tomorrow morning i am going "skating" with my mom .. its a tradition every year to tell everyone we r going skating but we actually go to starbucks on thanksgiving : ) but this year its going to be wierd because well... we havent fully talked since the gay thing.
I'm soo bored now!!!!! :P ahhhhh oo i want food! ok welll ill probably not write for a day or may i will write while people r here tomorrow I HATE my FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<

until next time<333

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

It was a good day and also to liz <3

Her name is Liz. And today is it! I have soo much to thank this beautiful girl for. Not only has she taught me how to love, but she has taught me so many other things. Liz is one of those rare amazing people in this world. If it wasn't liz who helped shape who I am today then I don't know who it could have been. So Today was such a better day compared to yesterday. And I got a hickey today! lol but seriously first the important things... I think I was afraid of getting over liz because well then I wouldnt have a reason to defend me being gay. Instead of saying "Well I'm gay because liz is amazing and i Love her" I didn't know what to say until today.

"I don't know why I'm gay, But I don't care cause I am fucken proud to be who I am!"

So liz changed my life. And today for the first time I didn't think of her as a girl who I am in love with, but rather a girl who i love and she is one of my best friends and I cant live without her!

So i think I'm getting my period tomorrow and so I guess i was just having terrible emo pms lol but i really cant say thats a fact. All i can say is today was an amazing day!

I got cookies last period from the school store and on the wrapper i noticed it says "those who love cookies love life" THIS IS SOOOO TRUE!!!! I LOVE FOOD!!!!<333333333333> my bffffflllll gave me a hickey today but it was funny cause like omg hes amazing at it and i swear i almost had an orgasm during lunch heehee how funny would that have been. Any ways tonight my step cousin and my brother are coming for dinner and then tomorrow i have GSA (the only club i actually look forward to) and then maybe i am going to the mall with nicole. Oh and in chemistry theres this guy jouven i think thats how you spell his name .. and he thinks me n Baca .. my lab partner are going out .. its sooo funny!!! omg and i found out that sue is a figure skater just like me!! today was amazing!!! omg im soo happy again .. and thats something to say.

oh and my friend gave me the name for gay anime its called yuri so im going to go look pictures up on google now heehee

but today = good

BREAK THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!; )

sometimes you have to take the good with the bad but in the end its worth it xD

Just a day ... a bad one

today lmao ... well today was one of those fucked up days that ussually arrive after a really bad day. Sort of like an aftermath of a storm. So I mean I was depressed all day and then I missed my bus .. upseting but not the end of the world so i waited for the late bus at 400 but once again i missed that bus too. So like i legit just got home ... and its 6:11 now : / And there it is the icing on the cake people.. yes the last bad thing of today A NOSE BLEED! and we end the day once again with me being upset and SINGLE yay me! Some of you might say "sam you should be happy" .. well no its easier said then down. You know all the people who i have hurt should really read these and that way they will no i am hurting 100 times more then they ever did. N now you say "wow your selfish" but hell its the truth i am hurting more.

But the thing is these things that hurt us now are the experiences that shape us for the furture. ... so god .... is this all u have? bring it on bitch! I wasnt ready before but watch out no more miss nice .. its game time and i aint lossing in this game of life! : P

ps. I really do think I'm a lesbian .. but no one really knows that I'm just afraid to admit the truth as if im scared of myself : / i guess i am.

~"damaged people are scarey because they know they can survive" ~

after all

ok so obviously .. i cant think ne more im depressed .. but i was being a drama queen i think....I'm soo not having a good day but .. tomorrows a new day .. so i shall wait till tomorrow comes .... well theres a story as to y im not depressed ne more .. i mean i stil am but not im more pissed then ne thing else cause my x "bf " i put those there because he cheated on my the whole time .. ne ways he called n i answered n he kept asking for a picture of me so me being who i am. I cant say no so i sent them but he wanted to do more then just that and i was like no. So now im just pissed im single n getting harassed!!!!!
w.e todays just not my day

thoughts of an emo teenager

I write this one with tears in my eyes. Wishing i could just run away ugh that would be amazing right now to just leave and dissappear. I'm sure no one would miss me any ways. They all act like they care but its a lie and i can tell. So what if I'm a lesbian ? who cares what i feel it doesnt effect them. And honestly i wanted a psychologist soo badly and now, now i am dreading seeing him this coming wednsday do i tell him i wish to die or even that i still cut. Do i dare to bring up my x gf again cause i havent said her name enough times quite yet. And then i think wat if i can survive and try really hard not to kill myself.. what if all of this is just a test in order to see if i really can go out into the world and save a life... well in that case i want to do it because Its really damn hard to live w.o a dad seriously I hate my mom but atleast i have her in my life to hate for all i know my dad could be up in heaven says omg sams gay she should die. But i rather he be here in person saying that to me. and then my dream of telling my parents that im gay and i wish all they would say is "well you cant get pregnant thats a good thing" but no they have to torture me to the point where its either me or my realationship with my gf and when i chose me god for bid i blink for 2 seconds and my gf has moved on. a gun ... thats all i need cause seriously ... tonight no one can stop me from cutting .. no one and im glad because i need to .. its an addiction like love once ur in it its pretty damn hard to get out of it. I'm actually really not hungry ... not rite now and maybe never again... all i can do is keep tying my thoughts and staring at the screen with tears quietly falling down my cheak... if only my best friend could help me well then i would have told her ... but she cant help me .. i guess know one can help me .. n my mom doesnt even try .. maybe i should have stayed in the boarding school ... tragidy sam left home to never return again. wat a silly girl with silly thoughts,,, and then again she never did return fully did she?

Thinking of My Bella

Well I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like my life is falling apart. Things are changing faster then they should be and i can't ake it anymore. One of my friends had/has cancer and no matter how many times I tell myself I'm over her, I am still totally in love with Liz. And my sister in law is staying in india for 3 more weeks so shes not coming for thanksgiving :'( and shes the only one in the family that actually gets me. I am going to die!!!

And on another note I can anly talk to Liz, I mean shes the only one I trust to tell everything to. Since I havent talked to her fully in a really long time, I just keep holding everything in : / I guess thats not good. And as much as i want to tell ariella everything, I cant. I just came back from a sleep over with brooke and ariella. Well brooke didnt sleep over but w/e she and ariella dont want me to be with liz but i want to no i need to be with liz Its a stuggle to live w/o her. It sounds dramatic but its true. The honest reason why liz and i didnt work out is because of many reasons

1) my mom was giving me a hard time

2) I was confused

3) we didnt communicate because of my understanding that SHE didnt want t kiss in public Which apparently she wanted to be kissed in public.

so if i were going to do it again with her ( i hope sometime in the future wether it be soon or not) there would be better communication and I dont think i would tell my mom.

Shit I have been talking about LIz thiswhole time and thats getting obsessive lol. So any ways I got a hair cut the other day and i think its good sort of like a new start. Also I dont know if im bi or just a lesbian but all i know is i dig chicks .. and guys dont phase me and girls well they amaze me. I wrote a poem to liz on allpoetry but she will probably never read it and if she did I dont know.

maybe in the future things will change but for now i will never know. I just want to be able to walk to her house and talk to her and give her a big hug. of course that will neer happen not now any ways She needs time I just wish i knew how she was feeling besides "ok"

lets just hope good things come in the future i guess thats all any of us can hope for... hope for the better hope for change

and until next time .. well no one knows : /

Wen its ll said and done somethings we just can't take back. And yes its jurts, but I guess thats life. I started cutting again and this time its an addiction again ... its wierd how Liz is the only one who was ever able to stop me from hurting myself. I don't even know how she did it. Its an addiction and I cant stop. I love my addiction is that so bad? I love each and every scar. My very own tattoo and yeah that may sound wierd but you cant judge me until .. well untill these mistakes happen to you. I guess I'm writting a lot today but its everything thats on my mind. Because I dont know how long to wait or if i should trust myself any more .. i always seem to get hurt in the end and i wish that just one time i wouldnt be the one hurt.

tonight ? maybe

heyy well my friend whom i met through my x .. well idk but ne ways she just told me about this site to why not try it out i mean it will help and its easier then my diary which i havent written in .. in like forever lol... but lets move on shall we? Well tonight was amazing!!! I was supposed to see twilight with my x gf liz but she is trying to avoid me so i went with my friends and her friend rachel and emily. They are so nice and i'm glad cause megan was there and I flirted with her the whole time. I think i like her, but I really don't know anymore and I guess I'm not ready to get my heart broken again. And josh is helping me to learn guitar for the huge concert at my school that I'm going to be in.

I just finished this book called "thirteen reasons why" Its basically about this girl who commits suicide but she wants people 13 people to know what really happend so she makes 13 tapes and tells her story and each story is a person and a reason she killed herslef. honestly it made me think a lot ... not just about the silly things she killed herself over but how much of that shit aso happend in my life. Unfortunately instead of getting through it like a normal person I need to cut. But could i have the guts to one day have the courage to drag the knife over my wrist and press down? each time i do it i wish .. i wish for that courage, but no one knows that.. no one knows anything about me. It's like I'm afraid to let people know how i actually feel. Maybe thats true maybe I'm afraid if people find out the will hate me . or use it to hurt me in some way. But who can tell what people will do any more things keep changing too fast .I could be dead in the blink of an eye and you would never even blink none the less shead a tear. maybe thats cause you don't know me well enough.

Maybe if people just stopped for two seconds and listend to me or the people around them they would realize how much each person really feels and people would know there are humans out there who actually care and give a shit, but until we find out who those people are I guess all i can to is take one day at a time and just keep praying for the courage .... to press down : /