what to say ..hmm

I really don't know what to say .. my sister just left and I am extremely tired, but that could be because for the past 3 nights i have stayed up past 2 lol I am soo gonna like fall asleep during school tomorrow its not even funny. I am downloading songs oh what fun!!!! ok ready story of my life :

1) I LOVE CHICKS!!!!

2) music = life

3) _____ makes me very happy (fill in the blank)

4) bella = love lol (my guitar)

5) fedoras = sexyness<3333

soo yeah u see how amazing my life is lmao .. and and FOOD is AMAZING!!! all the time!

I really cant wait till new years like legit no matter wat i do wether im in the city with an amazing person or sitting at home by myself .. becaus no matter where i am I will get to start over fresh a new beginning now thats amazing rite there<3333!!!

im like soo out of it i dont even know what to say except im soo happy .. and i dont really no how to explain it at all except that life is good and nothing bad has happend in the past few days wich is very odd but instead of questioning is im just gonna enjoy it!

soo life is amazing rite now today : )

omg people keep askin me if i have a thing with this girl maggie lmao .. its soo funny!!!!!!

cause the truth is we dont even know if we have a thing but according to everyone else we do lmao so yeah : ).

oh and i soo gained weight back these past few days .. butbutbut i dk cause i went on the scale n i weighed the same as b4 and now im like like really confused lol

but u prolly dont care about that at all .. i can tell lol

ps. maybe just a little bit but idk possible .. yeah sort of a little what can i say ? amazing!

history repeats itself

omg my mom is ughhh .. she gave me and my sister money to go shopping never told us wat to sped it on .. just that we should have fun and trust me ..WE DID! so then she starts yelling at me cause i put all the money towards my itouch and my money towards presents for people and i didnt even buy everyone i wanted to a present all i got was : ariella,sarah, megan, liz,maggie , and thats it (my mom didnt even ask who maggie is .. shocker there) ... and omg i love buying things for people as presents!~!!!! so now im pissed cause my siter and i were having a perfect time on black friday and then my mom fucken ruined it LIKE ALWAYS!!!

I love how my mom is sooo like omg!!! shes like why do u need 2 fedoras and im like cause one liz gave me and one i bought myself .. and shes like oh so ull throw out the one liz gave u and omg i was like "NO!" and i wont!!! EVER!!!!! its like my life !!! i love that fedora!

OMFG!!! so this guy scott last year sexually and verbally harassed me and just now while i was tlaking to my friend maggie he like came in closed the door and like touched my leg and then layed down n touched my hyp and then hugged me a bunch of times n felt me up and touched my stomach and the inside of my thy .. btw thats how i get turned on .. yes the inside of my thy ... u go there n god only nos .. so i just kept iming maggie ugh ... n then i wonder why im not attracted to guys geez .. like ewww he was like all over me i just want to go in a corner n cry but i cant even tell ne one but my friends (close close close friends) I just .. ughh i want to go throw up ewww. so yes this is very traumatic i mean he did this to me last year too and while i liked him non the less and now n he put his hand on my back and pushed it down to my butt ... ugh .... ugh ... UGH!!!

the thing is he always says how much he loves girls but honestly .... if he really loved girls he would treat them with respect and pleasure them wen they wanted to be pleasured and talked to them when they want to be talked to. I guess the truth is when it comes down to it .. lesbians just do it better (litterally heehee)

any ways that grose feeling that made me cut last year is here again right now as i type .. this very second .. i just dont no wat to do ne more .. i guess all i have to do is make it throught tonight and ill be ok ... ill be ok until that crave comes back

ps. im staying up till 2 and eating food <33333333

I Sprained my wrist ... FOODDDD !

Heyy well tonight is the night before thanks giving and I baked apple pie and made whip cream like every year, but this year megan came over and helped.. the thing is i think i like her but she has a boyfriend and hes an ass and ontop of that I was gonna tell her i liked her the day she started flirting with him and guess wat they have been together for 6 months in less than an hour lol cause its 11:17 pm. So my psychologist is such an asshole and he was like "so would you have sex with a guy" and I was like uhhh YEAH?! lol but then he was like and you seem happy you havent cut in a while and all i could say to that was "umm yeah sure" lol

omg all day i have had this song stuck in my head "fer sure" Today was a good day but physically wise it wasnt .. cause this mornign i was skating and i wa working on my double jumps and i pulled my groin and sprained my wrist : /. and it hurts, but w.e i think ill survive heehee.

I'm soooo happy!!!! Bex is moving closer to me and i will be able to have a sleep over with her after she moves!!! Oh My God I totally failled my s.s. test today and i was like crying during it because first off i have never failed a s.s. test in my whole entire life and then i couldnt fucken concentrate and i had a head ache lol.

oh and youll never believe it .. so i went to joshs house after skool and we were in his room and he not only has 3 guitars! but also he sleeps with two stuffed animals lmao and get this! one of them is names Beary!!!!! I love JOSH!!!!!!<333333333>

Right now my sister is with her friends getting taco belle and then tomorrow morning i am going "skating" with my mom .. its a tradition every year to tell everyone we r going skating but we actually go to starbucks on thanksgiving : ) but this year its going to be wierd because well... we havent fully talked since the gay thing.
I'm soo bored now!!!!! :P ahhhhh oo i want food! ok welll ill probably not write for a day or may i will write while people r here tomorrow I HATE my FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<

until next time<333

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

It was a good day and also to liz <3

Her name is Liz. And today is it! I have soo much to thank this beautiful girl for. Not only has she taught me how to love, but she has taught me so many other things. Liz is one of those rare amazing people in this world. If it wasn't liz who helped shape who I am today then I don't know who it could have been. So Today was such a better day compared to yesterday. And I got a hickey today! lol but seriously first the important things... I think I was afraid of getting over liz because well then I wouldnt have a reason to defend me being gay. Instead of saying "Well I'm gay because liz is amazing and i Love her" I didn't know what to say until today.

"I don't know why I'm gay, But I don't care cause I am fucken proud to be who I am!"

So liz changed my life. And today for the first time I didn't think of her as a girl who I am in love with, but rather a girl who i love and she is one of my best friends and I cant live without her!

So i think I'm getting my period tomorrow and so I guess i was just having terrible emo pms lol but i really cant say thats a fact. All i can say is today was an amazing day!

I got cookies last period from the school store and on the wrapper i noticed it says "those who love cookies love life" THIS IS SOOOO TRUE!!!! I LOVE FOOD!!!!<333333333333> my bffffflllll gave me a hickey today but it was funny cause like omg hes amazing at it and i swear i almost had an orgasm during lunch heehee how funny would that have been. Any ways tonight my step cousin and my brother are coming for dinner and then tomorrow i have GSA (the only club i actually look forward to) and then maybe i am going to the mall with nicole. Oh and in chemistry theres this guy jouven i think thats how you spell his name .. and he thinks me n Baca .. my lab partner are going out .. its sooo funny!!! omg and i found out that sue is a figure skater just like me!! today was amazing!!! omg im soo happy again .. and thats something to say.

oh and my friend gave me the name for gay anime its called yuri so im going to go look pictures up on google now heehee

but today = good

BREAK THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!; )

sometimes you have to take the good with the bad but in the end its worth it xD

Just a day ... a bad one

today lmao ... well today was one of those fucked up days that ussually arrive after a really bad day. Sort of like an aftermath of a storm. So I mean I was depressed all day and then I missed my bus .. upseting but not the end of the world so i waited for the late bus at 400 but once again i missed that bus too. So like i legit just got home ... and its 6:11 now : / And there it is the icing on the cake people.. yes the last bad thing of today A NOSE BLEED! and we end the day once again with me being upset and SINGLE yay me! Some of you might say "sam you should be happy" .. well no its easier said then down. You know all the people who i have hurt should really read these and that way they will no i am hurting 100 times more then they ever did. N now you say "wow your selfish" but hell its the truth i am hurting more.

But the thing is these things that hurt us now are the experiences that shape us for the furture. ... so god .... is this all u have? bring it on bitch! I wasnt ready before but watch out no more miss nice .. its game time and i aint lossing in this game of life! : P

ps. I really do think I'm a lesbian .. but no one really knows that I'm just afraid to admit the truth as if im scared of myself : / i guess i am.

~"damaged people are scarey because they know they can survive" ~

after all

ok so obviously .. i cant think ne more im depressed .. but i was being a drama queen i think....I'm soo not having a good day but .. tomorrows a new day .. so i shall wait till tomorrow comes .... well theres a story as to y im not depressed ne more .. i mean i stil am but not im more pissed then ne thing else cause my x "bf " i put those there because he cheated on my the whole time .. ne ways he called n i answered n he kept asking for a picture of me so me being who i am. I cant say no so i sent them but he wanted to do more then just that and i was like no. So now im just pissed im single n getting harassed!!!!!
w.e todays just not my day

thoughts of an emo teenager

I write this one with tears in my eyes. Wishing i could just run away ugh that would be amazing right now to just leave and dissappear. I'm sure no one would miss me any ways. They all act like they care but its a lie and i can tell. So what if I'm a lesbian ? who cares what i feel it doesnt effect them. And honestly i wanted a psychologist soo badly and now, now i am dreading seeing him this coming wednsday do i tell him i wish to die or even that i still cut. Do i dare to bring up my x gf again cause i havent said her name enough times quite yet. And then i think wat if i can survive and try really hard not to kill myself.. what if all of this is just a test in order to see if i really can go out into the world and save a life... well in that case i want to do it because Its really damn hard to live w.o a dad seriously I hate my mom but atleast i have her in my life to hate for all i know my dad could be up in heaven says omg sams gay she should die. But i rather he be here in person saying that to me. and then my dream of telling my parents that im gay and i wish all they would say is "well you cant get pregnant thats a good thing" but no they have to torture me to the point where its either me or my realationship with my gf and when i chose me god for bid i blink for 2 seconds and my gf has moved on. a gun ... thats all i need cause seriously ... tonight no one can stop me from cutting .. no one and im glad because i need to .. its an addiction like love once ur in it its pretty damn hard to get out of it. I'm actually really not hungry ... not rite now and maybe never again... all i can do is keep tying my thoughts and staring at the screen with tears quietly falling down my cheak... if only my best friend could help me well then i would have told her ... but she cant help me .. i guess know one can help me .. n my mom doesnt even try .. maybe i should have stayed in the boarding school ... tragidy sam left home to never return again. wat a silly girl with silly thoughts,,, and then again she never did return fully did she?

Thinking of My Bella

Well I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like my life is falling apart. Things are changing faster then they should be and i can't ake it anymore. One of my friends had/has cancer and no matter how many times I tell myself I'm over her, I am still totally in love with Liz. And my sister in law is staying in india for 3 more weeks so shes not coming for thanksgiving :'( and shes the only one in the family that actually gets me. I am going to die!!!

And on another note I can anly talk to Liz, I mean shes the only one I trust to tell everything to. Since I havent talked to her fully in a really long time, I just keep holding everything in : / I guess thats not good. And as much as i want to tell ariella everything, I cant. I just came back from a sleep over with brooke and ariella. Well brooke didnt sleep over but w/e she and ariella dont want me to be with liz but i want to no i need to be with liz Its a stuggle to live w/o her. It sounds dramatic but its true. The honest reason why liz and i didnt work out is because of many reasons

1) my mom was giving me a hard time

2) I was confused

3) we didnt communicate because of my understanding that SHE didnt want t kiss in public Which apparently she wanted to be kissed in public.

so if i were going to do it again with her ( i hope sometime in the future wether it be soon or not) there would be better communication and I dont think i would tell my mom.

Shit I have been talking about LIz thiswhole time and thats getting obsessive lol. So any ways I got a hair cut the other day and i think its good sort of like a new start. Also I dont know if im bi or just a lesbian but all i know is i dig chicks .. and guys dont phase me and girls well they amaze me. I wrote a poem to liz on allpoetry but she will probably never read it and if she did I dont know.

maybe in the future things will change but for now i will never know. I just want to be able to walk to her house and talk to her and give her a big hug. of course that will neer happen not now any ways She needs time I just wish i knew how she was feeling besides "ok"

lets just hope good things come in the future i guess thats all any of us can hope for... hope for the better hope for change

and until next time .. well no one knows : /

Wen its ll said and done somethings we just can't take back. And yes its jurts, but I guess thats life. I started cutting again and this time its an addiction again ... its wierd how Liz is the only one who was ever able to stop me from hurting myself. I don't even know how she did it. Its an addiction and I cant stop. I love my addiction is that so bad? I love each and every scar. My very own tattoo and yeah that may sound wierd but you cant judge me until .. well untill these mistakes happen to you. I guess I'm writting a lot today but its everything thats on my mind. Because I dont know how long to wait or if i should trust myself any more .. i always seem to get hurt in the end and i wish that just one time i wouldnt be the one hurt.

tonight ? maybe

heyy well my friend whom i met through my x .. well idk but ne ways she just told me about this site to why not try it out i mean it will help and its easier then my diary which i havent written in .. in like forever lol... but lets move on shall we? Well tonight was amazing!!! I was supposed to see twilight with my x gf liz but she is trying to avoid me so i went with my friends and her friend rachel and emily. They are so nice and i'm glad cause megan was there and I flirted with her the whole time. I think i like her, but I really don't know anymore and I guess I'm not ready to get my heart broken again. And josh is helping me to learn guitar for the huge concert at my school that I'm going to be in.

I just finished this book called "thirteen reasons why" Its basically about this girl who commits suicide but she wants people 13 people to know what really happend so she makes 13 tapes and tells her story and each story is a person and a reason she killed herslef. honestly it made me think a lot ... not just about the silly things she killed herself over but how much of that shit aso happend in my life. Unfortunately instead of getting through it like a normal person I need to cut. But could i have the guts to one day have the courage to drag the knife over my wrist and press down? each time i do it i wish .. i wish for that courage, but no one knows that.. no one knows anything about me. It's like I'm afraid to let people know how i actually feel. Maybe thats true maybe I'm afraid if people find out the will hate me . or use it to hurt me in some way. But who can tell what people will do any more things keep changing too fast .I could be dead in the blink of an eye and you would never even blink none the less shead a tear. maybe thats cause you don't know me well enough.

Maybe if people just stopped for two seconds and listend to me or the people around them they would realize how much each person really feels and people would know there are humans out there who actually care and give a shit, but until we find out who those people are I guess all i can to is take one day at a time and just keep praying for the courage .... to press down : /