Day 4

Well like most days I skate and what happeneds when I do my jumps is that I have to have a song in my head otherwise I tend to circle (not take the jump). Today I was singing to myself on the ice and it worked. I never thought i would say this, but I can live without my ipod. I just can't live without music. Its the beat of my everyday life that keeps me going. The words I'm too afraid to say, but people sing them. I live through music. Its my life.

day 3

I seriously need music. Without music I end up breaking out into singing random songs throughout the day. Its terrible because my friends think I'm weird. I need music in my life. Everything seems so empty without my music.

my long metal breakdown rant!

this is it I need to vent .... on i cant listen to music! its rediculious! and I am soo done filtering evertyhing .. because i know people read ..this. I was doing soo weelll lbut then my crush for perry became worse and my family is fighting .... that means my mom complaining to me about my step dad and my sister and my sister complaining about them to me and my step dad treating me like shit .. because ... who cares about samantha?!?! and then I im liz because I miss having her as a friend and she starts yelling at me telling me my friend maggie is going to die and its all my fault. I shouldnt have kissed her .. woah! thats was liz said.... how does liz know is i should have kissed her or nOt! I just want perry to go out with me why is that soo hard! now im sooooo fucken pissed! I am holding back tears. I want to ughhh i cant! I HATE MYSELF! ... i need a psychologyst. I need a good friend ... i need someone who i can tell everything to! no filtering ... i dont have anyone like that!!! i need someone who will give me a hug and talk abotu masterbating and emotions and music and situations and i wont have to worry about no having a bf or being judged. I want someone who I can I was sexually harrassed and now i like girls. But all i really want is to know that not all guys will be terrible to me.! I dont want to be harassed. I want to be treated like a girl. I want to be asked out on a date and I wnt to be respected for who i am. I want guys .. people to respect my body. I dont want people to come up behind me and pinch my stomach. I dont want to think about dragging a razor accross my wrist because being in pain and hurting myself makes eveyrthing better. I don't want to "need" sex ... or do drugs. I want to have someone who i can vent to .. and know they wont over think things. I want to do amazing in school and not cheat on tests. I want to not hurt people. I want to be friends with all of my exs and know that what we had didn't mess up who i am today. I want to be able to masterbate about thinking about a guy and i want to be able to wear shorts w.e being self conscience! I want to do all of these things .. have all this but it wont happen. I want my mom to be the mom she was when my dad was alive because once he died ....my mom died and my sister . I have no one I all alone in my family. and i cant even .... idk i give up this is a really long rant! but I mean every word. Maybe the only reason I like perry is because hes the only sweet nice .. mature ... guy who wont hurt me that i have seen in a long time. and i need that.But .. the whole crush really ? I dont even know .. .im soo lost and confused and i should just stop talking btu its hard ..i give up! .. what ever you want from me just take it and run because im sooo done with all this bull fucken shit!!!

project day 2

IT'S SO QUIET! I can't stand it. I need music. It helps me function, its like coffee or something. I can't focus without music. Without the security of the words and beat of the music in my life. The feelings I am too afraid to talk about sing loud in songs. Makes me feel free, but without music I feel so empty, lost, confused. I don't know how I am surviving.

ipod? blogg day 1

For health im suposed to give something up for a week and so i need to journal it for 7 days. I decided it would be easy just to blog it here and then ..i could have it organized.

Today I woke up normally, but something was plain. I am a figure skater and there is always music playing while we skate. Even though the music was playing I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do. And during second period I always listen to my ipod because my teacher lets me, but not today. My day feels so empty and plain with out my music. I don't know how people can live without their ipod. I just hope tomorrow is easier for me.

... xD

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

^^^^^^^^^^
Ill write about this later >.<


okii okii doesnt this make you think??? it makes me thingk!!!

OMGOMGOMG I AM VICE PRESIDENT Of GSA!!!

yay!!!!

Seeing Liz with brittney tonight made me realize how much of a bad gf i was lol i am sooo gladd liz and i broke up .. i must have been horrible for her lol ... btubutbut i also realized the only reason i was still in love with liz was because i wanted wat she and brittney have or wat she and i used to have .. and then i realized .. i could have that .. i just need to fight for it and then i did it and i txted megan and i asked her out and she said she will think about it!!!!! xD i am sooo proud of myself! I feel like me and liz can be friends now ! its happy ever after .. well nto over yet but that story .. love storry is .. and safter 8 months i am finally and for now .(cause idk wat i feel in the future) am officially and completely over liz. and i got to see rachel!!! OMG! I MISSED THAT GIRL!!! and EMILY YAY!!! >.< Im happy and I GOT TO SEE LIZ! and i think she and I CAN be FRIENDS again!!!! LIKE THE OLD DAYS!!! YAY!

Daddy ... rant

Ok well I can't write everything on here because people read this. Lol that sounds soo stupid but its true .. in fact your probably thinking ..."only i read it really" aha but you are reading it there fore people read it. So any ways .. i fell like one more thing and my heart will shatter. BIG TIME! but but but I'm not writting on her to tell you how I'm still in love ...because i was always in love with her and just like all of my crushed that will never become anything, I put it in the back of my head never to be opened again. As long as we are clear with the fact that I will not ever admit I'm still in love with my ex unless she comes to me and I know she wont so just dont ask .. and i wont tell. xD

Ok now moving on ... this past week was daddys bday and I thought about it nice and hard and I am My FATHERS DAUGHTER! not my mom .. ok well maybe im my mothers daughter but not as much as i am my Dads. heres a list of why:
~he quinted when he smiled
~he wrote poetry
~he had hazel golden eyes
~he wanted to be a surgeon
~his favorite color was blue
~he repeated words after he said them to make them sound different
~he loved LOVED LOVED mashed potatoes
~he Loved tiramisu and Crème brûlée
~He was annoying
~he was an amazing friend
~he kissed on the first date (hahaa i shouldnt say that but w.e its true)
~he loved fast food... half and half french fries ex.

sooo there ya go!
hope u have a good day lol
im in class right now .. and i want this period to end soo badly right now lol its crazy!!!!!

do you ever wonder how your ex feels about you after the break up ?
I wonder what do all of my exs think of me after the break up ?

soo yeah bye xD

What i think will happen.

I had the wierdest dream It was as if it was reality. I woke up a million times last night upset almost crying thinking that the dream was true. That what happened then in that dream would happen to me in reality. But it was just a dream. A dream where I was talking .. i was actually screaming. Yes a dream where i was screaming on the day of silence. a day where people in my school get seperated from the ones who need to grow up to the ones that are respectful and caring to the ones who let themselves have more religious values then possibly maybe even their own. But this blog isn't going to critisize the way people live because i'm not like that. If they want to live like that with those values .. i wont stop them its how they feel. what I expect will happen today is i will me respected greatly by few and teased a lot by people who don't know who they are. I am atleast glad to know who i am gay straight bi transgender it doesnt matter now does it? Im going to get really nasty comments and I wont be able to defend myself. Like last year... When I was confused and still in the closet... it was so much easier for me to be silent... i guess you dont realize something is painful if you feel it everyday of your life.


Last night I was online talking to this girl named .... Cassie not the Cassie your thinking of trust me lol .. this Cassie lives in northport? or smith town? well anyways ... we havent known each other for long but we have been talking recently and she just told me last night that shes bipolar and in the hospital for depression. Why is everyone in my life going bad just when i start to fix myself? Welll on a different note:

This friday is yes my dads birthday but its more then that .. its the 100th day of me being clean.. that right .. i haven't cut in almost 100 days and I dont plan to do it ever again! .. Its nice though because i'm going to celebrate the whole not cutting thing with my friends on friday and Emily one of my long old best friends is coming. She is an amazing person and I'm glad she and I are still friends. I really .. cant think of wat else to say but i might right tomorrow because

im kool like that : )

umm may 27th

its funny how things can change over a year. Not big things but even the simplest of things ... that just change. Last year this time I liked a girl named megan .. my best friend in school still till this day. The only difference in our relationship from then till now is that we are more open and tell eachother everythign now. this time last year I liked her and she liked me, but we didnt do anythign about it because I wasnt fully out and neither was she and we were both scared. I wanted to tell her and now .... 3 weeks after I thought about telling her 2 weeks since the weststock concert where she met anthony and 1 week after i was going to tell her i liked her but then missed everychance i had she and anthony started going out ... i've been waiting .. and now its been almost a year. I tell her everyday that I like her because next time .. i dont want to ruin my chances. I just miss how things were last year.. had we been together? ... wow idk
okiii yeah i need to go to sleep now but there was my rant.
night <3

hug

*Hugs*

there ya go!

a word to all my followers ... please listen up closely .. never let the worst get the best of you .. and never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. Dont give on on your values! thats who you are and please out of all things the most important is to stand up for your beliefs no matter what the consiquences. Rules of life. please do these things and be true to who you are .. i have only 4 minutes to get to class but i needed to write this ... please listen .. dont cry .... your tears just prove your weakness .. and my weakness is that i care too much .. please smile it looks good on you


for maggie ^^^^^^
<3 : )