heres to life

So I had something dramatic happend to me today and like I cried for 3 hours but I am soo proud of myself because this time last year i would have cut! ... but not this year. I simply cursed a lot and cried hahaa But the thing i realized is .. .. everyone is hiding something wheather its as small as a parent dying or as big as cancer. Whether or not they tell you .. doesnt depend on how much they trust you .. or weather your close or not .. but rather how they feel about it. One day they might wake up and realize its funny and thats the day they come to terms with it and tell you.

Some people go through a lot .. like losing a parent .. failing tests even when they work hard ... trusting way too many people .. and getting themselves into trouble .. with drugs eating disorders .. cutting? people around us .. make mistakes every day .. but why does it always feel as though our mistakes are being looked at with a microscope?!
So I am going to camp in like wat 2 .. 3 days .. and when i get there .. i will be on my phone constantly .. freaking out about me not having internet .. and wondering .. if things will change. They changed last year .. alot .. i with i could tell meghan how much she helped me. If it werent for her ... god only knows where i would be .. because between her and alyssa they made me realize that people do care about me .. and people get hurt all the time but cutting just hurts the people around you .

you make who you are ... if you want to change you have to fight for who you are.. who you really are. So Im going to leave it off with this message right here and if i get internet in camp i shall write then ... otherwise .. idk .. be on sometime soon <3

Lets run away to valhala and drop tears from our hearts

because I dont think i can go to valhala on fathers day .. just like last year .. I cant. I never get to see him! but I shall write a letter to him on here because .. as long as the words I want him to see are written I'm sure they will find their way to him.

Dear Daddy,
This past few months since I gave you the last letter has really changed who I am. First off I am working hard in school again and really trying to get good grades.. even though I'm not .. I am trying. Next I Shall talk about my orientation .. because to me it is important that you know about it. As of this moment I like guy and do not want to date girls ever again. I will go after guys for now on, but if a girl comes to be .. I wont turn her down ... I would give her a chance . unless i'm taken .. duhh. Theres something about guys that I forgot I liked in them, but I dont know what it is... just the fact that what scott did to me .. ruined me .... and I was confused and then Liz ..and maggie .. but now I am back. Liz is out of my life .. and so I shall figure out who I really am. Next I am not sure if I told you about this but I have a huge crush on a boy! .. You would totally aprove daddy!!! hes jewish and Smart and Cute and funny and is easy to talk to .. well if i could breathe when I see him lol .. But he doesnt like when I write his name on here so I shall respect his wishs... I really miss you daddy... there is soo much I need to tell you ..but I feel as though non of it has a purpose .. in our relationship ... I mean .. Only the important stuff.. being I dont have enough time to tell it all. I wish I could hug you .. or have atleast said good bye. You make my life a mystery and sometimes I think what life would be like if you hadn't died. Well I would have never cut and I would have a normal mom ... I wouldnt have taken care of myself for the passed 12 years. And Alexandra is doing soo much better .. I feel like being away from mom and ron has really helped her and I get close! which is good! I wish I could write it all out. Every reason for every tear .. that falls .. or the reasons I miss you.. or the way I am who I am. I wish i could write down I much i miss you but even that much is impossible. I miss you more then words could describe. I feel like I need to run to you and give you a huge hug! I think I am mostly afraid that I will forget your voice or the way you look... I am afraid that i will become mom .. after you died. or just lose it all. I am holding on because honestly ... when I see you I want you to see how much I did and I want to know how proud of me you are. I miss seeing you ... the unhealthy food .. the car rides .. and the lessons which were few .. that i learned from you .. this is more like a memory telling then a letter of how I am .. because I miss you soo greatly .. but I dont talk about it to my friends .. the only person who knew was Liz and now I lost her ... so now I might tell the guy I like .. how much I miss you .. but I am .. I don't know. Its different with him .. you are a dad .. you are my guidence ... i needed that and instead when you died I lost all of my guidence.. forced to fend for myself. I just need a little help from you daddy .. I need you to give me enough stregth to get through these finals with all passing grades ! .. never have I ever passed all of my finals there fore I really need your help any way possible. I would like to leave this ending on a good note.. but I have to think about that for a second hahaa ...Daddy .. I do miss you and everyday I wear a locket with a picture of u .. closest to my heart and a sand timer to remind me that time cant stand stil and so I need to make myself happy. I want you to know you are always in my heart and in my mind. I miss you soo much and I hope that one day I could run and give you a hug. Lifes not the same without you .. but I think I have found happiness in my friends who surround me and my crush on a guy who supports me aswell .... Daddy I love you .. and I really hope to visit valhala soon <3

always and forever your daughter
the younger one >.<
Samantha <3

bored during 2nd period

Sooo i finished all my work in this class ... so im on my blog. I am so stressed out about school its crazy. Im not even going on facebook except to check my messages until the 23rd because thats my last regents. I am soo scared I am going to fail ... so my iced coffee is in the corner of the room right now because i cant have it near the computerrs butbutbut its soo good i want some! omg soo i went to dunkin donuts this morning and the guy making my coffee with like completely flirting with me and i was like ummm ? lol ... but yeah. I didnt do my english hw last night but i dont really care hahaa i did all my other hw this quarter soo .. w.e ..... ooo umm i think i am getting my year book today and im kinda excited its my first yearbook from public school!!! xD umm lets see what else... I am totally and completely not ready to date hahaa! Sarah was completely right. Like last time I dated someone and fell in love i missed my best friend! i actually lost 2 best friends. I am not letting that happen again. Plus .. i realized what my sexuality is hahaa .. well you see I like guys more then I like guys ... but if a girl asked me out i wouldnt say no .. yeep ... but with me you never know .. maybe I will change how i feel in a month. But since i realized this .. i have been my like myself ... then after I was sexually harrassed last year. I mean each day I become more like the old me which is good. xD I am extremely happy because of it. I laugh more ... and i like a boy !!!! and and and .... i feel pretty .. well my self esteem is becoming higher and its all because of the guy i like!!! you see ... he made me realize that not everyone hates me. Hahaa ok ok ... well thats obvious ... wow im soo wierd ... im trying to say .. and hes sweeet and I am soo glad he and I are friends... i would say almost close friends. I hope he feels the same way. The thing is the closer I get to him the more I dont want to go out with him because the more i get to know how and be friends with him the more I dont want to loose that. I dont want to get hurt .. i get hurt soo much and I know he wont hurt me but idk .. i guess ill see where things go ... you never know. I feel like this year went by soo fast!!! omg! my heart! im going to the doctors today for it ... and lets see what happends .. btuidk ..i hope that my heart skips a beat while im there .. hahaa it always skips a beat though .. i will be standing thinking about pizza and it will skip a beat >.< crazzzyyyy <3

today for you tomorrow for me

3 things i know for a fact
1. I totally screwed up with the guy i like!
2. Liz has most deffinately changed
3. I'm am totally and completely nearvious for tomorrows try outs!

tonights jakes bm .. and i get to se brooke! i never get to see her Im soo excited! i mean i saw her this morning at temple but still!
my stomach hurts . shit i have tryouts tomorrow! im sooo nervious!! what do i do>? what if i like mess up? what if i trip on the ice ... shit .. wat if the girls i hate actually make the team?!?! what if my hair doesnt look good? ok ok .. i need to think possitive .. all i need to do is not think about liz . or baca or christine .. or perry or anything .. not think ? is that possible??!?! .. i shall try! ....
i need to not think! i need to just go to this party tonight and have fun!!! theres a concept! .. maybe perry will like txt me and assure me that im not annoying .. and he wants to be my friend. I don't want to have a relationship right now! .. im good with just best friends .. but .. i talk soo much online but in person its harder ! idk wat to do!!!!
well enough of that! omg i love the beatles!!! <3 their songs make me feel better <3 lol
ooo i have a question
and what does a horny wreck mean????

okii byes ><3

boo?

I know I know 2 blogs in one day seriously ? welll this is it! my family is driving me crazy .. and i need another person to have as a back up for who i will calll if i have a break down .. because honestly i love maggie and sarah but they arent always able to answer the phone ya know? sooo i think ill ask ..... shit i forgot the nick name but there was one! lmao ok ok .. soo ooo speaking of that person lmao .. umm im using that peom for my creative writing portfolio project because ... its really good .. ooo wait never mind lol im using why i write love poems!
im going crazyyy but u no ur secretly totally falling for me! wait the last time i said that it worked! hahaa

idk anymore!

Heyya okii okii sooo guess wat!!!!! my heart doesnt skip a beat as much now as it used to!!! of course it still does lol .. butbutbut its getting better!!! and I love the rain! i wanna like make out in the rain really badly but that will never happen especially if i dont have anyone to do it with lol . Guys just dont seem to want to ever go out with me! ahhhhh its driving me crazy! but yeah. I am in a good mood for some reason and soo I decided to write in here. soo yeah lol ... okii
welll i think Im going to go .. because I can? ooo wait!!!
I ammm so scared to go to camp this year! last year was terrible in camp I mean there were terrible rumors about me and this year I dont really have people to calll ... most people probably dont want to hear my problems! >.< .. i dont really know any more. I mean last year the rumors were so bad that I ended up just being by myself a lot of the time because people were scared of me! and then well other things happend last year too.. i guess all i can do is think possitive! ok ok
ill try.

byes i guess <3>

5 min before periods over ish

Heyya okii dookkii soo today I am in a good mood for some reason ... Well I left my necklace at home which makes me sad .. but Its all good. I mean if thats the only thing today then w.e lol. Soooo for now on I decided that ummm I will I'm not sure what I was going to say. But I have no idea how I am going to pass my regents this year. I dont understand chemistry and math well yeah thats bad and social studies is amazing. So just 2 out of the three. I need to pass all of them I need more then just a 65. And I know it sounds stupid but Im afraid of north korea attacking us because i really need to say a life. Its my goal in life. I will cry .. its sooo important to me. I want to save someones best friend . .. dad ... mom,.. cousin... someone important to someone. I need to i just have to~! well periods over byeess lol

bored?

Wellllll today i think i did the stupidest thing ever and well no one else was online and I needed to get my project done soo I asked perry to go on it for me! and he saw his name>.< thats bad! i mean ... shit! hahaa okiii soo actaully w.e thats fine! i had stage crew today and andand .. i painted!! yay!! i like painting .. and yeep hahaa
ummmm soo yeah .... parry is a name?! wtf! lol
okok .. soo yep i decided im going to go to sleeeeppppp idk wat im saying hahaaa im just waiting for someone to im me back hahaa .. yeep okii im dong for today ... because yeah im just oo im! h/o lol
yeep im gonna go because i have nothing fun to say .. ill write tomorrow during creative writing! : )