swwertyu

Welll .... this thanks giving wasnt too bad .. i mean i actually didnt even drink .. which i usually do .. and like my aunt had a bloody nose and my sisters contacts split in half in her eyes and we thought we would have to go to the emergency room but we didnt for that and i helped my aunt because she cant stand blood ..and hahaa she was freaking out because i was like cleaning up the blood and she was crying because she was having it for like an hour lol ..and my sister needed me to look in her eye and find the contacts that was fabulous .. but i spent 3 hours in the emergency room on friday morning blehhh i sprained my wrist really badly .. but its alll good ..
and yeah so ima goo ... byess

waesrtdyfug

today sucks. Boys suck. Family sucks. Friends suck. Teachers such. Everything Everythingsucks.! first off one of my friends was acting soo wierd today and idk wat i did !!!! my wrist is spained ..and if u say u want to kiss me then fucken kiss me! Everyone is being sooo wierd today and its sooo annoying! gahhhhhhhh
and ontop of all this i have 2 fieldtrips in one day! just like kill me now!
well my wrist hurts so im going to go .. but yeah im sure ill write back soon ,. like later tonight
... mmm

Thanks givings sooon

So ... thanks giving this year is gonna suck sooo bad lol its not even funny, but the thing is I was invited to go to my friends house. I told my sister, but i feel bad leaving my sister alone on thanks giving when shes coming all the way from Boston to be with me. So welll she and I made three plans!

plan:
a) go into my room and talk about what we are going to get on black friday
b) go to starbucks until things are better
c) go to the diner and dont come back until the next day ... start shopping then lol


So yeah .. I mean like this is just atleast it will make things easier ... and the thing is I know i couldnt handle it anyother way so this is good ... but i still willl want to cut, but i wont because ... he as in .. yeah the guy i like .. he made me scared to cut .. as if i do itll be like I'm stabbing him ... and i would hurt soo much if i was the one who hurt him so I just cant .. or if i do i wont tell him .. but he has my knives so i would have to use a kitchen knife , but thats sketchy and I'm not that deperate lol ... so yeah no cutting for now. I have an ap psych test next period and I feel like im going to fail .. im scared : ( because my grades need to get better already gahhhhh
so yeah llol .. this is my life IT SUCKS ASSS ... hahaaaa ...... welll I'm going to go .. do something .. not studying wise though ..

write soon
ps. I kinda sorta told him that im kinda sorta in love with him but its smalll ..and honestly i guess i shouldnt have told him because what if ... welll i mean he obviously doesnt feel the same way ... so maybe i just scared him .. maybe i should have kept it to myself idk ... w.e
byesssss

O And ummm ... i misss daddy

Fuck My life

I thought today would be a good day ... but now I'm shaking and not sure where to go from here. I keep fighting off tears. I am in the library doing this then in the lunch room. I cant think anymore. I cant move. I have abandonment issues and I honestly cant handle anything anymore. Most of my friends are senoirs. They are all going to graduate this year and leave me here alone. And my best friend told me last period that shes MOVING! ... What am I going to do next year? I'm going to be all alone ... megans graduating half way through the year .. eemans moving .. who else do I have? I feel like just going in a corner and crying .. because that all I know to do... Cant .. cut .. cant .. do anything .. cant breathe... cant scream.... And even if i did scream .. its not like anyone would hear me. I feel like I'm in a fucken croud yet no one knows me .. no one cares and I'm all alone. I thought that if i came to the library I wouldnt cry .... I would just relax ... not have to think .. not be face to face with a bitch whose ruining my life or the guy who hurts me...I thought maybe I would be away from it all. But the reality is .. you cant run away from your problems .. no matter where you go they will follow you. They will haunt your wake movements. And you cant ignore them either because .. they will just be there ... making you feel terrible and uncomfortable for the whole time you do. Now I only feeel lost .. with no one ..and i feel like a train is comming towards me .. my fait is inevitable. I cant help but be numb.

this is wat just happened ..just like many times before

if there were a place I could be it would be anywhere but here. It would be a place where I don't have to deal with failing grades, drama, alcoholics. It would be a place with no family, no abuse, no hate. A place where I could be in love with people who would actually love me back. If only I could escape this hell I call home. Tears run down my cheeks as I whisper "I will not cut, I will not cut, I will not cut" grasping on to anything I can; a chair, desk, sweater, blanket. I start to shake from the pain running through my veins ...is this what life has come down to? After the rain turns to drizzle my tight squeeze gives as I collapse on the floor in my quiet bedroom. Lifting up my lifeless arms with faded scars and handprints from my uneasy past, I look and think how easy it would be. How easy to just go into the office take the pocket knife and cut. Then my frown digs deeper as I think of the boy who has my heart. The one that gives me butterflies and the one I can't ever get off my mind. The tears of pain start to build up in my eyes like tsunamis comming straight toward me. Not after long I am left drowning in salty rain drops thinking of what me cutting would do to him. It would be like I stabbed him in the heart. The sleeve worn throughout this nasty usual day is the only thing left and I pick up my arm, pull down my sleeves and whipe sorrow right off my red cheeks. Pretending nothing happend, I slowly get up off the ground and get into my computer chair. I open up my buddy list like many times before. Searching for his screenname, wanting to tell him that he once again has saved my life, that I really love with him, and that hes all I ever think about. Disappointment fills my heart realizing he wouldn't be online, but rather at work. So now what? I have nothing else to do but sit and wait. Cant leave my room, cant call anyone, cant go eat, whats left to do but sit and wait. Wait for something to happen like always. Wait for hope. And just keep waiting until the past stays the past without haunting my reality everyday.

how can you hate something you love

so I am blogging ..because i am bored lol ... sooo today is alright ... i'm scared because second quarter starts tomorrow and I need my grades to go up sooo much! And I work my ass off and I get nothing. So library during lunch and idk what else. Just focusing . Its good im not in a relationship right now. I dont want a relationship i just want someone to be there .. someone to love me and save me when i need saving lol .. sounds stupid .. but i actually do need that. Any ways thanks giving this year is going to be unbearable terrible and idk if ill survive it. My brother just became a veggitarian and my sister in law is also and they are bringing their friends from india to our house. like kill me now! and on top of that .. i have my family problems.. i rather not talk about on here because its personal and i never talk about it on here because people do read this. and my moms sister aka my aunt will be here and she always makes fun of me for something anything .. this year itll be the boy. last year it was my thumbs and the year before that it was me being still a baby? wtf! ughhh So am i looking forward to thanks giving? Absolutely NOT. Will i want someone to save me? YES please do!!! even for ten min. anything is better then nothing. I have the wierdest dream last night hahaa baca was in it ... but its too inappropriate to put on here haha ..and it was wierd! ohhh my friends from singapore invited me to her sweet 16!!! and im trying to figure things out so i can go! and I get my lisence in less then 5 months!! and i can get my jr.license when ever i take the test .. which will hopefully be next month!!! yay!!! im soo completely happy ... for the driving .. the boy .. striving for good grades .. and my sister comming home .. not for working hard or thanks giving .. or my family . I do realize this is long .. but its not like anyone reads this anyways besides maggie lol ... sooyeah ..i should take a shower tonight ... i want to kisss .. lol sorrry random! oooo i was at the story today and i saw the blaire which trials and i just had to buy it for lizz! im sooo great! lol .. btu idk when ill see here again .. i want to ask her if i can see new moon with her but shes seeing it with her mom so ill feel bad if i ask ... i might pretend i forgot shes going with her mom and be like heyy u wanna go on sat with me .. and see wat she says lol ... wow im a bad person!

Its good to know that as we change our secrets do too. <3>

things i cant really explain

Heyyy .. sooo well what has happend ?? I wrote that article and the news paper people LOVED it! they loved it soo much they invited me to write another one! and it will be in the december/january news paper for he school! So I went to that party the one with baca and liz .. and it was soo much fun! liz is such an amazing friend! and The thing is .at the party she told me she likes me and i was just like well i like her too! lol but she was saying that she doesnt want a relationship right now. Why is it all the people i like dont want to date? its fine if she doesnt want to date right now atleast shes telling me right off the bat and i didnt like her not nearly as much as i like baca. I asked him out last night. This is just a huge set up for me to get hurt because i already know wat the answer is, I knew wat the answer was in august when i first asked it. I just kept adding time to procrastinate getting hurt. because the answer will be no. I can feel it. I'm too complicated and needy? am i really too needy? I justt need to be loved .. but dont we all? so does that make all of us needy? I honestly dont know wat to do after he says no. Stay single? but how can i do that when he has my heart and I just want affection .. hugging kissing ... holding .. i want fucken butterflies and love. I want to be loved. I know that sounds stupid but i honestly dont care .. its how i feel. I was switched out of my math class because i was failing. This stuff I'm learning now is tons easier but i bet i'll still end up failing.. hahaa my love life is equal to my math grades .. working my ass off yet i still fail.

wat to do ? sit wait ... I'm done waiting .. if the answers no . which it will me .. then i will put on a smile and act like im getting over him . I'll act like im moving on ... but i dont want to move on .. now when he knows the most about me then anyone else. Not when he listens and understands me and everything just feels right when im will him .. how could you let something that amazing go?

why am i so afraid of losing him ... when he was never even mine?