Were all the same.

I don't want to pretend anymore. No everything isn't ok. It isn't fine. I'm hurt. I'm messed up. Take a good look at me world .. this is who I really am. I woke up this morning to my mom screaming at me, oh and forget about dinner last night my step dad was too drunk to even make me food. But hey its ok everyone is like this right? We all want to cut and not eat. We all are hurt and have secret pasts with abuse and sexual harassment. We all are Bi and scared of being gay, but also scared of being straight. We are all scared of ourselves. Of knowing what we have been through. Like a book thats been kept away for a long time and just opened. Fatigued to the ink brushed up on the page. We are all the same right? Smile because its better than having to explain. Lie because its simple to not face reality. Feeling worthless? Don't worry everyone does. And for that matter Life is just a waste of time, but shhhh no one will tell you that. This is a big joke where they tell you the rules matter, but in actuality the rules are fake. Rules of life are just silly boundaries to protect us from happiness. Can't drive till seventeen, sex 18 , drinking 21 .. use a condom and always buckle your seatbelt. Wrap the bunny around the tree and out through the hole and you will always be able to tie your shoes .. isn't that how it goes? Oh and forget about family, thats all a lie. Their never really there for you. Its all a lie. People say they love you, but again its a lie because people are more worried about themselves as well as they should be. Don't trust a soul, everyone you trust will just let you down and prove you wrong. That nurturing mother is nothing more than a sociopath and that dad .. well he's dead, but the step dad is nothing more than a violent alcoholic. So take that razor and rip through the skin cutting deep into the past of numbness. Feel empty from the hunger grumbling within your core, but don't stop what you are doing because god forbid you become happy. Oh no who would want that to happen? 
Feel the screams within you vibrate emotions. In slow motion you know the truth, how you feel, dying to just be yourself .. and tell the world, but you wont because we are all the same and people judge, we judge and its like we judge ourselves on the most personal level .. enough so it hurts .. oh it hurts.

during 9th period ^_^

So I didn't go skating this morning because 

1)I'm sick  

2) I hate skating. 
And therefore my mom was all pissed .. she and I went back and forth she kept saying I need to skate everyday and I guess I just snapped. I turned around and said "You want me to cut everyday?" I was so pissed. And then it was silent for a good while .. actually the whole ride to school we didn't talk at all. She literally just texted me .. and I'm in 9th period right now and wished me goodluck tonight .. yeah thanks mom! She ughh .. I'm so done with her trying to control me. Cant I have my own life? And now I am paying for gas tonight and idk she didn't want me to go to jiujitsu tonight .. but I will. I have an interview at the library at 3:30 then I'm going to chill with liz and then she and I are going to jiujitsu . Hahaaa I get to see boriss .. Liz's cat .. who I love .. and im sick hahaa great .. this day should be fun 
well off to stuff before school ends .. blehh >.<

4-20 ahaha

So today is 4-20 .. people are cool lol                                                          

Yesterday I went to jiujitsu and I have a cough and I ended up having a really bad athsma attack and I kept going, but now I kinda am having a hard time breathing >.< Anyways I'm still going to jiujitsu again to. Today I drove to school and I left my coffee in the car and I was flipping out. My mom was like are you serious?! I said I NEED MY COFFEE .. so maybe I'm just crazy .. but we all knew that. So last night I was IMing john and Liz at the same time and Liz told me to talk to john and let him know how she felt. And then She like IMed him and then they got into a huge fight and I feel like its my fault now And I dont : / I feel bad. But its kinda not my fault Idk ... I dont feel well I'll write more later tonight I promise

okii its later lol .. i didnt want to write a new blog .. so I'm adding on . So by the time I got to 9th period I couldnt breathe at all .. so i went to the nurse and she was sooo stupid! shes like u have to drink this water and u cant leave until you do so! .. mean bitch! needless to say I'm not going to jiujitsu tonight .. i dont want to die hahaa. So how could you like someone who you never really talk to in person ? I dont get it. I mean I keep thinking about that time john and I were outside after school .. we were on the side of the school leaning against this medal bar. I will never forget that because the sun was hitting down right on me and he was leaning on the railing facing me and i was leaning into him. His hands were on my waiste. I will never forget this.. people were making fun of us cause he was considered my brother at the time.. but i liked him and he likeD me. Anyways he was holding me.. and i miss that moment. I heard his heart ... and i felt so safe in his arms and now ? .. now hes different, but hes still the same .. we are different .. our relationship is different is what I mean. But when ever I feel sad or alone or depressed .. I think about that day ... it was soft and sweet and honestly if i had to define love ... this moment of being held safe in his arms .. that to me .. thats love. But he doesn't like me anymore .. and I'm still here .. just chilling .. trying really hard to move on and for the most part I guess one could say I have .. but thinking about this moment .. knowing that it did happen .. wishing it would happen again ... some small part of me feels like .. his love .. him liking me and me liking him .. that will never go away. And I  don't know about him .. but I have never felt that strong with him .. like chemistry and all .. I guess I cant explain it .. sometimes I just wonder if he ever thinks about this ... I think I might ask him tonight .. because i cant stop thinking about if he does or not.

ps. Imissus... but I cant tell anyone : /

Bomb threat/ whats with me?

There was a bomb threat at my school today. I went to school despite this because I don't know. I woke up having a weird feeling though. Why go to school feeling like that? And I was going to do day of silence, but it wasn't the official Day of silence for my school and there was a bomb threat, and on the way to school I got into a fight with my mom SHOCK! so how could I help, but to defend myself. It was a pretty interesting day. I was searched when i walked in and then when I got to class 15 kids were missing. 15! and my biggest class was 16 kids.. smallest was 5! We didn't do anything all day. And this kid said that the bomb would go off at 10:57 so they evacuated the building at that time for a good 15 minutes lmao. And the lunch lady called me fat. yes thats great I start eating like a normal person and some ugly chick calls me fat while I'm paying for food.. Bitch! .. anyways .. the bomb sniffing dogs were adorable! I saw one walking down the hall and even though we were on lock down all day I screamed "awww cute doggie!!" the guy gave me the most nasty look ever.


After school I came home, picked up my car and friend and went back to the hospital cause thats what i did yesterday too. Our friend J got into a car accident and we wanted to visit him again. Hes so sweet.. but anyways .. so after that I just came home. I've been drinking coffee and I know it's the internet and I am going to probably regret this majorly because this blog is public .. but I really want to cut, drink, smoke, not eat, go in a corner and cry. I don't want to do it to he extreme of what your thinking probably. Just cut like i normally do  did. Smoke? Drink? those are weird ... thats not like me at all. I'm not an alcoholic, but recently when I have felt sad I've craved it, but I wont let myself. And as for not eating.. I have been eating normally which is good. I don't know somethings .. just like going on with me.. and i cant explain it. Like I feel terrible but I have asked .. you know what SCREW THE NOT SAYING NAMES! lol I dont care anymore. its my blog.  I have asked john if he cares abotu me and why, alot of the past few days.. and I feel bad and annoying. Buut truth is I dont get why anyone would care about me. And I wish I didnt seem so needy .. but I just need answers you know?

I guess thats all for now
ps. My eye is soo itchy wtf!?
and im on my 3rd cup of coffee today >.<

1 month .. easier than last time ... possibly harder?

I haven't written in a while so I guess things are going pretty well ... and the fact that I'm busy also makes it hard for me to be able to keep up with this on a daily basis, But I havent cut in exactly one month from today and addiction is addiction, but I've done it all before so I know I will be able to get through it. The eating has been tough but I'm pmsing and so i actually am eating like a normal person this week... but it feels like I'm eating a ton. Got into a fight with my friend last night (btw i decided I'm not using names on here anymore .. just the first letter) I got into a fight with A last night and the thing is I love that girl to death but we hardly are as close as we used to be and i miss that. After the fight I felt like cutting so I forced myself to go to jiujitsu .. actually L told me to go. I have no idea what i would to without her. So I went to jiujitsu and J treated me like shit .. always .. i don't understand what I did to him! like I try to be a good friend and supportive, but he hates me .. he says he cares but im convinced otherwise. haahaa S IMed me last night and asked me about my status. She told me I should drop L and J as best friends .. that I dont need them in my life junoir year of high school .. well fuck her! Yes he may hurt me, but I also know that while I was rushing around my house trying to find something to cut with in my most vulenerable times ... my razors and pocket knives were sleeping safe in his room and I also know for a fact that L would never hurt me. She has been there for me more than all of my friends combined and i've only met her about 7 months ago. So NO S I wont drop them as friends. J and L have both helped me stop cutting not just for them and for people around me, but finally for myself. Thats why this past week I went to my guidance counselor and I told her I'm ready to get help on my own, and i asked her for support groups. And just this morning I went to her office and picked up the refferals and although I want to cut .. I wont. And for that matter I wont drink either.. for I do know that I would become addicted. And I'm done with all this shit because I want to be happy again. And Now a different L.. I met her art jiujitsu and shes so nice and sweet and I'm glad i have these people in my life. And she will be in high school next year and I'm so excited. And I might see L with the ZZ tonight? not entirely sure but i think im going to go to class anyways and I hope L comes. This may be long .. maybe it is? idk if it is but idk .. its just everything that has been on my mind


ps. If you say you care about me.. show it.. or dont lie.. please
don't hurt me more than you have already

thanks
<3