Personal venting.

Ok so heres how things are going to go from now on. I neeeeeed to vent about things and its personal things. I know about 2-3 people actually read this So I'm going to vent.

CAUTION: when I vent I make it more dramatic then it is.

A year ago I felt skinny. Because I AM! I know I'm skinny. I know I'm Skinny. I knew I was skinny. I knew. I don't know any more? Its not about the wait or the way I look or anything .. But I guess my friend was right, I have slipped way deeper then i would have imagined. I only ate a pack of skittles, a sandwhich, a bowl of soup, a water bottle, and rice crackers, and a glass or apple juice. I don't see myself as fat and i dont see myself as skinny and i was happy about this for a really loooong time, but i didnt eat a lot today and I'm pmsing and today was my first day back at skating so i was like hmm i want food. I took some more cheese (a few slices) and then two packets of hot chocolate and started to make it. My ASSHOLE drunk stupid hurtful stepdad walked in and said "Sam you have to start watching wat your eating.. You need to lose weight" Ummm ok one ur a fucken drunk so just shut the fuck up! he eats everything plus alcohol is a hell of a lot more calories then i took in the past two fucken days! So yeah that pissed me off, but i was like damn i really need to drink this so i took it in my room and took a banana too. I keep thinking about the summer. I keep thinking that ill have sex and blah blah blah in the summer ... today i thought .. hmm ill havethe house to myself for a while over the summer .. sounds like thats when i could really lose weight (if you understand what i'm saying) I cant take this anymore. I didnt do it in the shower, but it was tempting. I just feel so idk ...i guess its because my self esteem has gone down like a million times bad shit always happens to me and im so complicated. Sometimes I wish i was a guy because no matter how complicated they are, to woman they are SIMPLE .... Any ways I had a flash back today .. actually i had like a life time of flash backs. To the first time i was hit by a parent, to the first time i was sexully harrassed. any ways .. i was talking about failing. I fail everything .. things people never study for , things people dont care about .. I fail working my ass off ... I dont know ... i just feel soo overwhelmed with school and skating right now .. and love .. or falling .. unsure if their willing to catch me ... im not gonna cut, im not gonna be bulemic .. but this is a lot of what through my head today and I have no one to tell this to, i dont want to tell this to any one.

In the end everything matters.

I don't want to commit suicide so don't even think that. I just want the shit to stop. I want the drama to fade, someone to hold me, my friends to act like friends. Everything is changing and i have abandonment issues. I cant deal with this. I can't deal with any of this! It seems like my friends are trying to get me to my break down. Is this a test to see if I'll cut again? because I'm comming close. I have no one. I just need someone to sit down with me and say "sam I care about you, I love you, please don't hurt yourself because you mean the world to me. Do it for me if you can't for yourself" but no one care enough to say that. its like everything i knew before 2010 is a lie. Junoir year sucks I can only be thankful that its almost halfway over. Everyting is crashing, and i guess all of the things i thought i would never be, or things that i thought would never matter, really so matter. I'm lost in life i don't really know who anyone around me is anymore. im scared everyday going to school. What will 4th period and 5th and 6th 7th 8th period bring? what if all of my friends backstab me more? they can break me even more then they have already. It scares me .. i m afraid that yet again in life i have no one. ... o wait i really do have no one.

Big rant .. this is what happens when I don't go to school :x

So I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just stupid for thinking in heaven. Maybe its more of me being stupid thinking that my dad could somehow still be there for me when I need him. I guess I must have missed the part in life when people start to realize when someones dead they have no chance of ever comming back to life. I knew he wouldn't come back, I mean lets not get too rediculous here, but I thought somehow he would be there for me in spirits. I guess I was wrong... Or maybe hes just too ashamed to call me his daughter, maybe her watching me right now thinking " I can't believe she turned out like this" Well I'll never know and this is why I want to go to valhala because even though my dad died when I was four.. Out of all the people in my family I think that my dad would understand me more then anyone else. I write him letters and put them on his grave .. but I never get to go even see him... and even though my mom would say shes "too busy" to take me .. I really don't want to go with her. Just want to go up with a close friend, someone who I can trust. Who is that? lol Theres Liz, and Baca, and thats it. Theres more people who thinkthey are my best friends, but when it comes down to it no one knows about my past, present and future more then them. But thinking on it ... Who can I call when I'm terribly upset ... no one .. So whose really truely my best friend?


I guess four days without having the urge to cut is amazing.. 2010 say hello to my issues .. THERE BACKKK... yeah I fail and I want to cut. Isn't it kind of funny? because it used to be big things like Sexual harrassment or my mom pushing eating disorders on me. Now its simple, get into a fight with a friend-cut...fail something- cut... then it gets even more simple .. feel sick -cut... but i don't cut ANYMORE .. I want to A Lot, but I don't. So where does that leave me? Having it on my mind 90% of the time. Is that BETTER than NOT CUTTING at all? because I feel like its kind of the same thing. Well at least I personally think that if you think about it then your still "sick" I quote the word because I'm not really sick .. I just don't have the right ways of coping with things. But I havent cut in 343 days so i must be doing something right. hahaa


Most people will tell me "oh you don't fail everything" But the truth is I DO. Its 100% true. Skating, Math, Anything that makes me nervious I will fail, its sad really. I guess how some people get shy and they just can't pull through it (because when I'm shy I CAN push myself) Thats me when I get nervious, i can't sleep, cant stop thinking, I worry too much>.< .. but thats everything in my life.. it sucks and I need to fix things. But how fix it when i have no one to help me?

I like being held .. its wierd .. I mean theres this feeling I get kind of when u eat ur favorite food, but better and the feeling lasts a loooong time! When I'm held it makes me feel like someone cares and I just ughh the feeling of being held is amazing and i just wish the person would never let go.. and I need to be held right now >.<

not wanting to cut.

So so far this year i havent really wanted to cut but then again its only been wat 2 days? lol So I was online and i found this girl posted a long list of things to do when you want to cut so im going to take stuff off her list that i think are do able and that when when I want to cut I can do those things instead so ... LIST!:

1)Being with other people

2)Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.)

3)Cuddling with a stuffed toy <<<<>

4)Going to see a movie

5)Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food)

6)Doing school work

7)Call a friend and ask for company <<<>.<

8)A hot shower

9)Reading a good book

10)Listening to music

11)Finding someone else you can help out

12)Painting or drawing

Truth is .. when i want to cut .. none of these are good to me .. maybe talking to someone but no one really listens they say they will but they never do. the only thing that will make me not want to cut is having someone hold me for a long time. :]