So I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just stupid for thinking in heaven. Maybe its more of me being stupid thinking that my dad could somehow still be there for me when I need him. I guess I must have missed the part in life when people start to realize when someones dead they have no chance of ever comming back to life. I knew he wouldn't come back, I mean lets not get too rediculous here, but I thought somehow he would be there for me in spirits. I guess I was wrong... Or maybe hes just too ashamed to call me his daughter, maybe her watching me right now thinking " I can't believe she turned out like this" Well I'll never know and this is why I want to go to valhala because even though my dad died when I was four.. Out of all the people in my family I think that my dad would understand me more then anyone else. I write him letters and put them on his grave .. but I never get to go even see him... and even though my mom would say shes "too busy" to take me .. I really don't want to go with her. Just want to go up with a close friend, someone who I can trust. Who is that? lol Theres Liz, and Baca, and thats it. Theres more people who thinkthey are my best friends, but when it comes down to it no one knows about my past, present and future more then them. But thinking on it ... Who can I call when I'm terribly upset ... no one .. So whose really truely my best friend?
I guess four days without having the urge to cut is amazing.. 2010 say hello to my issues .. THERE BACKKK... yeah I fail and I want to cut. Isn't it kind of funny? because it used to be big things like Sexual harrassment or my mom pushing eating disorders on me. Now its simple, get into a fight with a friend-cut...fail something- cut... then it gets even more simple .. feel sick -cut... but i don't cut ANYMORE .. I want to A Lot, but I don't. So where does that leave me? Having it on my mind 90% of the time. Is that BETTER than NOT CUTTING at all? because I feel like its kind of the same thing. Well at least I personally think that if you think about it then your still "sick" I quote the word because I'm not really sick .. I just don't have the right ways of coping with things. But I havent cut in 343 days so i must be doing something right. hahaa
Most people will tell me "oh you don't fail everything" But the truth is I DO. Its 100% true. Skating, Math, Anything that makes me nervious I will fail, its sad really. I guess how some people get shy and they just can't pull through it (because when I'm shy I CAN push myself) Thats me when I get nervious, i can't sleep, cant stop thinking, I worry too much>.< .. but thats everything in my life.. it sucks and I need to fix things. But how fix it when i have no one to help me?
I guess four days without having the urge to cut is amazing.. 2010 say hello to my issues .. THERE BACKKK... yeah I fail and I want to cut. Isn't it kind of funny? because it used to be big things like Sexual harrassment or my mom pushing eating disorders on me. Now its simple, get into a fight with a friend-cut...fail something- cut... then it gets even more simple .. feel sick -cut... but i don't cut ANYMORE .. I want to A Lot, but I don't. So where does that leave me? Having it on my mind 90% of the time. Is that BETTER than NOT CUTTING at all? because I feel like its kind of the same thing. Well at least I personally think that if you think about it then your still "sick" I quote the word because I'm not really sick .. I just don't have the right ways of coping with things. But I havent cut in 343 days so i must be doing something right. hahaa
Most people will tell me "oh you don't fail everything" But the truth is I DO. Its 100% true. Skating, Math, Anything that makes me nervious I will fail, its sad really. I guess how some people get shy and they just can't pull through it (because when I'm shy I CAN push myself) Thats me when I get nervious, i can't sleep, cant stop thinking, I worry too much>.< .. but thats everything in my life.. it sucks and I need to fix things. But how fix it when i have no one to help me?
I like being held .. its wierd .. I mean theres this feeling I get kind of when u eat ur favorite food, but better and the feeling lasts a loooong time! When I'm held it makes me feel like someone cares and I just ughh the feeling of being held is amazing and i just wish the person would never let go.. and I need to be held right now >.<
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