I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.-Benjamin Button

Time heals all wounds

To me; fearless is not the absence of fear. its not being completely unafraid. to me; fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. lots of them. to me; fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. fearless is falling madly in love again; even though you’ve been hurt before. fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. fearless is getting back up & fighting for what you want over and over again; even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. i think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though hes in love with someone else. & when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, i think its fearless to stop believing them. its fearless to say “you’re not sorry”, and walk away. i think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. i think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. letting go is fearless. then, moving on and being alright; thats fearless too. but no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. you have to believe in love stories & prince charmings & happily ever after. thats why i write these songs. because i think love is fearless.~Taylor swift

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Personal venting.

Ok so heres how things are going to go from now on. I neeeeeed to vent about things and its personal things. I know about 2-3 people actually read this So I'm going to vent.

CAUTION: when I vent I make it more dramatic then it is.

A year ago I felt skinny. Because I AM! I know I'm skinny. I know I'm Skinny. I knew I was skinny. I knew. I don't know any more? Its not about the wait or the way I look or anything .. But I guess my friend was right, I have slipped way deeper then i would have imagined. I only ate a pack of skittles, a sandwhich, a bowl of soup, a water bottle, and rice crackers, and a glass or apple juice. I don't see myself as fat and i dont see myself as skinny and i was happy about this for a really loooong time, but i didnt eat a lot today and I'm pmsing and today was my first day back at skating so i was like hmm i want food. I took some more cheese (a few slices) and then two packets of hot chocolate and started to make it. My ASSHOLE drunk stupid hurtful stepdad walked in and said "Sam you have to start watching wat your eating.. You need to lose weight" Ummm ok one ur a fucken drunk so just shut the fuck up! he eats everything plus alcohol is a hell of a lot more calories then i took in the past two fucken days! So yeah that pissed me off, but i was like damn i really need to drink this so i took it in my room and took a banana too. I keep thinking about the summer. I keep thinking that ill have sex and blah blah blah in the summer ... today i thought .. hmm ill havethe house to myself for a while over the summer .. sounds like thats when i could really lose weight (if you understand what i'm saying) I cant take this anymore. I didnt do it in the shower, but it was tempting. I just feel so idk ...i guess its because my self esteem has gone down like a million times bad shit always happens to me and im so complicated. Sometimes I wish i was a guy because no matter how complicated they are, to woman they are SIMPLE .... Any ways I had a flash back today .. actually i had like a life time of flash backs. To the first time i was hit by a parent, to the first time i was sexully harrassed. any ways .. i was talking about failing. I fail everything .. things people never study for , things people dont care about .. I fail working my ass off ... I dont know ... i just feel soo overwhelmed with school and skating right now .. and love .. or falling .. unsure if their willing to catch me ... im not gonna cut, im not gonna be bulemic .. but this is a lot of what through my head today and I have no one to tell this to, i dont want to tell this to any one.
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