whats been going on?

I know I haven't written in a while, but it seems nothing on this website has changed. It might have been because i was busy and stressed or because I just didn't feel like facing the reality of what is going on with me, but I didn't write on here when in reality, it was the time I should have written on here most. Things have been very weird for me. My sister and my mom aren't talking. which is.. .. and shes kind of the only family I have. I feel like no matter how much people keep saying "they'll be okay again" that this time, it really won't. I can't walk into my sisters room anymore because she took everything and if i go in there and see how much things have changed.. I can't. And when things get stressful, all I want to do is I want to want to cut, but I don't. I don't even crave it in the slightest bit. That's good right? Well .. it faded, but when you start looking at your weight and you start counting calories you know it'll end badly. It always starts with counting calories, then comes the not eating, then the skipping big meals, then drinking more water, getting bad anxiety, and then you cave and actually eat a meal, then .. you feel like dying, like throwing up. so you know what you do? you run to the bathroom when no one is home and you stick your finger down your throat. You gag a little .. throw up a little and get scared. this isn't who you wanted to become, all you wanted was to be happy. So next all you can so is sit there in that dim lit room next to the toilet, on the floor, and cry. You just cry because you have no control. You can't change anything from how your family is a war to if you'll get into your dream college. You cry because you don't have someone to just hold you and tell you it will all be okay. And crying feels good, but when the tears stop, your stuck in a numb depressed state. And things are all crazy and guys hurt you and your alone until....................

There's a guy who you were .. well you went out with a while ago, but you were messed up and different then and things you have changed. So he goes off to the marines and then you fall for him of course because hes not there and you realized how much you actually let go. how cute and funny and smart he is. So he comes along and makes you happy even if its just through text right now. And even though things are bad, when you talk to him ... it feels like everything is going to be ok.. and thats all you can ask for right?

military

I want to be in the military, feel the pain of strength, learn control, obediance, trust, loyalty, family, how to fight. Hold a gun in my hands feel the coldness in my hands warm from my bare skin. See who cares enough to write me, and who never cared at all. Know that my dogtags, my guns, my uniform is my best friend. I want to be respected and strong in the military. Fight to save people, families, civilians. I want to starve for 48 hours with dirt on my body going through obsticles. I want to leave this pathetic excuse for a town, the drama, the people, i want to join the military.

Wait until college? what the point? I want to go now.
people tell me not to go as if I'm not strong enough.
what do they know?

5 papers to hand in, and only 2 legit periods in the day .. hahaa

Today is a good day. I just got to school where I have first, second, third, and 5th period off, as well as leaving sixth for a doctors appointment. Can you say "easiest day ever!"? yeah. Any ways I had no school yesterday because it was veterans day, but I went to the rink for synchro practice all day! I skated a total of 3 hours straight ... which is a lot for me right now. Anyways, so I'm going to the doctors at 12:15 because I have been having problems. I get headaches almost everyday, cramps randomly, I'm starving all the time, bloating alot, and my periods are completely messed up. So I am going to the doctor today to see what they can do. 

Next we should talk about having a boyfriend. It's not like I need one, because lets face it, no one needs one. I just want to be held, to know someone cares about me, to know I will be missed, to be hugged. God I could use a nice hug from a guy right now. I don't know many guys though, so trying to get a boyfriend is really hard to do for me. Bobby is trying to find me someone, bobby's my ex boyfriend. He and my best friend lizz are going out. I gave them permission, but every time I see them together its just a fabulous reminder of how much I fail at being a girlfriend. How Lizz, my best friend, Is better than I am. And she is, that's not a lie. Shes beautiful, smart, not too fat, but also not stick skinny, shes straight forward, wise and funny, not shy, and supportive. Oh my god! shes the perfect person! .. well perfect best friend and perfect girlfriend anyways. She's kind of every thing I aspire to be. I wish I was smart like her, but the only thing I have going for me is my wisdom and my high IQ. I just wish I could be like her one day. Not shy, and have an amazing family. Damn what I would do to be adopted by her family. They aren't perfect, but they come pretty damn close. Their amazing and make me want to have a family. 

Speaking of family, my sister has completely cut me and everyone in my family off. She deleted me on facebook .. FACE BOOK ... well .. I always wanted that close bond with my sister, but why would that happen ? Anyways, Looks like me and Bro, aka Jeremy, are the only good and successful children. Speaking of which, gregg just had his son! So I am officially an Aunt. I want to e-mail gregg so badly because we was always there for me when I was sick as a little girl. We used to be closer than jeremy and I. Jeremy and I are alright, but we arent close close. I wish we were though, really badly because I want a sibling.

I am going to sum this up with a little regression:

Johns acting wierd and I am at the point where does he really care about me? cause I have never seen him treat anyone the way he treats me, its wrong on so many levels. I don't know why he treats me differently, but either way, I don't think he realizes how much it hurts me to see the change in how he acts. Is it because I flirt with him? Or the fact he started to actually fall for me? and for that matter, is he scared of getting close to me? and if so, Why? 

Should I continue to try to change the way he acts? Whats the point, if he is scared to get close to me and hurts me ... should I let him go as a best friend? Forget about the emotions or relationships, I'm just talking about him as a best friend. How can he treat Lizz a million times better than he treats me, even though I have probably talked about more intimate and private things with him. Does any of this make sense? There's so much I can say on this one topic, but I think all I really want to know is, when will he treat me like he used to, and if not now, if never, then when should i let go? I love him , hes my best friend, but could he really be doing more damage than good? 

thoughts to think about... sorry bout the rant .. but Its my blog I can write down my thoughts.

College essay.

                Change is inevitable; everyone ends up changing throughout life, some forced to and others naturally. They say the big changes in life happen over a long period of time, but I think it happens to be the other way around.

                It was suddenly that my aunt got a phone call. It would be the call that would change my life forever. It was the call that decided my future and part of who I am today. The hardest call my mother would ever have to make. My aunt got all upset and rushed my sister and me into the car. She told us she was taking us home, but she wouldn’t say anything else. What was going on? I was four, but I could still understand that something wasn’t right.

               After twenty long quiet minutes we got out of the car and in slow motion walked up to my house. As soon as the door opened I ran to my mom asking where my dad was. She wouldn’t answer me so I ran past the curtain, which hid the room that my dad stayed in while he was sick. He would sleep and eat and breathe in that room for months before now. When I opened it, he wasn’t there. Confused and worried my mom brought my sister and me into my room. Standing silent by the end on my bed, next to the closet that had monsters and bakers who lived inside of it and in front of my innocent stuffed animals, the silence broke when my sister asked, “Is he dead?” it was silent again. No one wanted to face the reality of what happened the night before. No one wanted to tell me anything.

             My world was changing uncontrollably; the once perfect family I belonged to was now in ruins. When my father passed away I knew I would have to be strong for everyone around me. And with strength in my mind, figure skating would soon become my vice, a home to me. The thickness of the ice would become my security blanket and catch even my hardest of falls throughout life.  My spins would hug me and allow for comfort, while my jumps would show me my wings and let me fly. Thirteen years have gone by and still I continue with my strength through figure skating. Not only has skating supported me, but so has my synchronized skating team which I had just joined a year ago. Finally I would have that perfect family again within my skating.  Being part of such a team allowed me to see what working together could really do. I am finally able to know that my presents within the team makes a difference and I am able to see how much my team could achieve when I work with them to become one.

           Growing up with skating in my life has allowed me to be strong, independent, dedicated, and be who I am today.  Within skating I find myself that little innocent girl I was before my dad passed away. I feel his love and comfort in each edge I glide on and it beats in my heart throughout my programs. If there was one thing my father taught me, it would be that if you want something bad enough no matter what happens you’ll always find a way to get it as long as you want it bad enough for you to feel it within your heart.

 In my heart lies academics; something that would show my growth and potential. Although I tried really hard throughout high school, it wasn’t until the end of junior year that I really began to see my future and work even harder to get myself back up in order to get into a good college. Taking AP’s and more than enough state tests through my high school career, I was finally able to find myself within books and papers for school. School would be another home to me; teachers would be my parents and friends, my family.    

           With all this in mind, my future lies right in front of me waiting to be uncovered. Everyone always asks “so what do you want to do after high school?” What does one answer to such a thing? I would love more than anything else to be able to help people. Being there for people like they where there for me only seems like the right thing to do. I want to give people the courage and strength to get through rough times in life because I was lucky enough to find really amazing humans beings that have helped me to because the person I am today. So although I am undecided about my career, I am decided that I will save a life, help someone in need, be there for someone because by saving one person and giving them strength and courage, it allows them to be able to help out another human being within the world that we live in. My heart has grown to helping people and something that I have learned a while ago is that even the littlest of things can really make a difference in a person’s life.  

the story of an asshole!

So today at lunch we put our stuff down and shit on our chair as usual so people wouldn't steal it but when we got back my chair was gone. They put my stuff on the table. So I went to the table next to me and said I'm stealing this chair and this asshole runs up to me screams NO and grabs the chair out of my hand .. so I'm like DAMN ASSHOLE! .. so after a few minutes Eeman got me a chair from the janitor. I sat down and was explaining the story to Jeannine but instead of using his name just said asshole. Then Eeman said really loud "ASSHOLE" and this guy turns around stands up and screams and walks to the table, in which he grabs my chair while I'm sitting on it. So i get up and i rip it out of his hands saying      "ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?!?" hes like "bitch stop calling me asshole!" I was like "oh hell no! imaa call you whatever I want" and hes like " Bitch stop being full of yourself,  you whore!" then decided to sit down cause i scared him, so i turned around with a fight bitch face on and said "at least I'm hot enough to be a whore!... ASSHOLE!" .... this shits going down .. last time he tries to get in my way again .. wat a dumb ass! he didnt stand a fucken chance against me!!! <3

stress

Stress would be the word that I would choose to describe my life today. This year, this month, this day, its all stress. I'm sick, have math (i need to pass), ACT's next week, college shit, and I'm falling for him again. No I can't fall, he still loves sarah. God why am i even writing about this? I know no one reads this, but still I shouldnt love him. After all hes the one who hurts hurt me, but hes also the one who fixed me, the one who when I kiss everything feels perfect, and when I'm in his arms, I feel safe. Maybe Love just is avoiding me? I mean how could I feel so much for one person, when they hardly feel the same about me? Thats just pathetic. I gave liz permission to go out with bobby whose my ex. I don't feel bad about it at all, I'm just worried that it will change things. Ever since she and him started dating (this past week) I feel like shes hardly talked to me, but I think maybe I'm just being paranoid. I just .. maybe won't txt her till she texts me just incase and well .. i guess we'll get to see how long it takes her to notice ive crawled into a corner. Ive been feeling all alone as it is :/ I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I dont want to be sad, I want to be happy and feel loved and shit. Maybe, am I trying too hard? I have no idea, all i know is that I love things I shouldn't and feel things I shouldn't :x

senior year sucks tyduygikuhiu

I just got back from london and scotland (which was amazing), but to be with my mom for that long, I'm going crazy. And apparently every one has decided to yell at me for no reason .. which is just great. I feel numb, hopeless, hurt, broken, a failure, i feel like I'm drowning. Like I want to punch something cause cutting isn't even an option anymore. Sarah and John broke up .. which is .. idk .. i want to make sure hes ok and everything and he deserves better than sarah definately. But I also know hes my type, he fixed me before Liz, he was the only person I told about cutting and showed them scars and felt comfortable with him after only a week or two of meeting him. Hes amazing and I don't really know how I feel right now .. I could go for it and just see what happens . but that could ruin our friendship ,.. or i could just do nothing. But either way Imma wait a lil bit because hes going through stuff right now. I'm failing every class as of right now. Every class .. how the fuck does one person accomplish all of that? I'm a failure, and my nose is big. Last night I woke up at 4 am to blood all over my arm, face, sheets. Turns out it was a horrible nose bleed .. scared me .. triggered me to cutting, but i refuse .. i wont do it .. i want to be sane, clean, healthy for the people around me. But now I'm not suicidal or anything, but what does it matter if im here ... would anyone but lizz really be effected? i mean john and i are best friends, but i probably love him more than he loves me .. so would anyone care ? or would people all pretend to care because you know people want to have known the person who died ... to be recognized and sympathized. Sarah is not my friend anymore .. but she did tell me one important thing .. dont let senior year get the best of you .. but thats exactly wats going on .. she told me not to, but she never told me how.
im breaking .. and no one even notices .. no one cares.

almost a senior

So senior year is going to start in about 2 weeks and its all happening too fast! My schedual took forever to figure out, but as of this moment I love it, but their gonna put me into an AP class I think >.< .. idwtdt anymore. Anyways ... Starting the first the Moves in skating change, so I'm testing them On the last test session with the old moves and I better fucken pass. Only thing is that they make me almost passout thats how hard they are on my asthma. And my jiujitsu test for my yellow belt is this thursday and I know I'll get it, I'm just really nervious as hell. Umm what else? Oh john and I are good friends now and I broke up with bobby. I don't think I'm ready to date anyone (guys) at the moment. Thats basically it.. and works over which im actually sad about! .. i loved getting paid!
umm thats all for nowI guess .. damn im tired

Im kinda getting that feeling again

I got my schedual and finished my college essay and have a list of colleges I want to go to. I'm gonna be a senior already. I feel like all my friends graduated though and I'll be alone :/ it makes me sad. I know I have people like Lizz, Liz, ariella, megan, eeman, ...and a few more people... but yet i still feel alone. I don't want to go away to college. I don't want to leave all my friends. I have anxiety .. I can't even take my fucken ACT anywhere because it would be at a different school. I need a psychologist really badly! gahh Idk wat to do. And work sucks! I have like 2 more weeks left not including this week. I feel like the whole summer was wasted and I cant get in touch with my really close friends and Idk why:/
i guess thats basically it.. oh i was at work today and we were talking abotu kissing girls and all the girls i work with were like "thats grose" ...i wanted to punch them... but i didn't .. and thats it so i'm gonna go
hopefully itll all get better.

Ummm ...

Liz ..... why do i still seem to love you .. not in love with u .. but yet if u asked me out tomorrow i wouldnt say no. Is it because you stole my heart from the beginning? because I loved you and I was too stubborn to figure it all out in time.

skip a few years lets move on to whats really important now.
My ankle is sprained and im at skating camp ... so yeah you can only imagine the pain I am in, but lucky for me... I live off of pain.. pain makes me stronger. So ill live.
ps. theres a million things to say, but not enough energy to type it all out.... hope for the best
on to the next

fuck life

I miss the feelings, the emotion, the community,and the acceptance.The being able to be your complete self...the knowing who you are.. the not being ashamed or lost, the not looking back ...the trusting in yourself and the people around you..I miss all of that ...but how do i get it back ...if I keep being told I'm not that person? how do I get it back being who I am right now, in this second, how do i feel ok again?


Its like a new peace has come over me as i sit on my bed in this dorm room just thinking to myself. My cutting urges have faded away with good reason as I have learned a little more about myself and who I am, but when I got a boyfriend things started to confuse me a little bit more each day. I feel bad at times because i know I should be a better person, but honestly I'm doing the best that I can, being the destroyed me.  So when I sit here and the problem isn't cutting. Its not abuse. Its just me ... not being attracted to guys ... And I think im bi . I really do,

The weekend with liz

heyy so its july 4th weekend and im in montauk with liz .. and its kinda amazing ... and theres this guy bobby and hes really amazing and he and i went on a few dates and now we are going out. He asked me out on june 27th .. and it was the cutest thing ,, and i told him all about me and hes really sweet and nice and he says he understands but i dont think he really does. I just like hes protective and sweet and i finallly found that in a person and that makes me really happy .. so i am happy right now
and I am trying to get my razors from john and give them to liz to hold on to them for me .. and thats basically it.. so yeah im gonna go because im in montauk and on the phone with bobby .. and yeah :]
okiii dokii
byess <3

what else is there to say?

Hey, you and I are going to have a big love affair and it won’t work. But somewhere in the middle, my god, we tried. <3 

The quotes has nothing to do with this hahaa

John .. I'm over you ... I still love you as a friend .. but I'm over you, you deserved better anyways. 

My GSA speech ... still nervious

So basically everything is done except one more regents and then I'm done with my regents forever.. which is amazing.. And I had my AP yesterday which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I wore the tie that sarah has for goodluck and Lizz's jesus bracelet lol ... And My sisters home from college .. which is alright .. I mean my mom and step dad always always complain to me about her which I'm so sick of. But Ron should be living on the boat soon and then my sisters going to London this weekend for 6 weeks and my mom should be going to the boat on weekends .. which will give me the house to myself ... which is exciting and scary all at the same time. I know I havent written on here in a while but I have been busy .. I still am I just have today free and all. Theres another person running for vice president of GSA and I'm really nervious about when we vote because I don't think I'll be reelected and I am going to be a senoir next year and it would mean the world to me. so far my speech (which I will just speak .. I'm not writting anything down.) is this:

I have been thinking about what I would say for the past few weeks and it has given me a lot of time to think. When I was a freshman I was part of GSA but barely went to the meetings, I was shy (still am), but I was scared and in the closet and lost and ashamed. Then towards the end of the year I started going to the meetings and I heard the conversations and saw how people were so open about who they were. Then I became a sophomore and wanted to be part of GSA because I really did feel like it was my family. Last year when I was voted vice president I got so excited I wanted to make a difference and make GSA better, but (going back to what sue said a few weeks ago) I lost the concept of GSA I forgot the reason why I loved it so much. And I will admit GSA this year SUCKED .. it did. But If you vote me vice president we will become a family again, we will come together, because its not about the fundraisers or assemblies, no ... its about being able to be your complete self in this club. Because of this club I am myself now. It would mean the world to me if i was able to be vice president one last time before I graduate. I would be honored to graduate as the vice president and be able to give people a place  of home where they can come and find themselves and help other people feel accepted aswell. 


People like Ryan Cassata make me believe in myself. People like him give me hope to keep going on and living and fighting for what I want. They give me courage and I wish I knew more people who were this amazing. I hardly even know this kid, which really makes me sad but what hes done at his age makes me know that it will all be ok someday. And yeah ... just had to put that in 


My friend and I were talking a while ago and she said something about being bi not being who I am. Its a part of me, but its not who I am. I'm not a person who cuts. I'm not an anorexic. I'm not bi. I am Samantha Haley. Thats who I am. I love jiujitsu, hate skating, guess which one I have dont longer .. hahaa but jiujitsu makes me happy and want to keep living and loving and fighting .. because in the end its always I can I will I must. 


look back to no regrets. xD

Were all the same.

I don't want to pretend anymore. No everything isn't ok. It isn't fine. I'm hurt. I'm messed up. Take a good look at me world .. this is who I really am. I woke up this morning to my mom screaming at me, oh and forget about dinner last night my step dad was too drunk to even make me food. But hey its ok everyone is like this right? We all want to cut and not eat. We all are hurt and have secret pasts with abuse and sexual harassment. We all are Bi and scared of being gay, but also scared of being straight. We are all scared of ourselves. Of knowing what we have been through. Like a book thats been kept away for a long time and just opened. Fatigued to the ink brushed up on the page. We are all the same right? Smile because its better than having to explain. Lie because its simple to not face reality. Feeling worthless? Don't worry everyone does. And for that matter Life is just a waste of time, but shhhh no one will tell you that. This is a big joke where they tell you the rules matter, but in actuality the rules are fake. Rules of life are just silly boundaries to protect us from happiness. Can't drive till seventeen, sex 18 , drinking 21 .. use a condom and always buckle your seatbelt. Wrap the bunny around the tree and out through the hole and you will always be able to tie your shoes .. isn't that how it goes? Oh and forget about family, thats all a lie. Their never really there for you. Its all a lie. People say they love you, but again its a lie because people are more worried about themselves as well as they should be. Don't trust a soul, everyone you trust will just let you down and prove you wrong. That nurturing mother is nothing more than a sociopath and that dad .. well he's dead, but the step dad is nothing more than a violent alcoholic. So take that razor and rip through the skin cutting deep into the past of numbness. Feel empty from the hunger grumbling within your core, but don't stop what you are doing because god forbid you become happy. Oh no who would want that to happen? 
Feel the screams within you vibrate emotions. In slow motion you know the truth, how you feel, dying to just be yourself .. and tell the world, but you wont because we are all the same and people judge, we judge and its like we judge ourselves on the most personal level .. enough so it hurts .. oh it hurts.

during 9th period ^_^

So I didn't go skating this morning because 

1)I'm sick  

2) I hate skating. 
And therefore my mom was all pissed .. she and I went back and forth she kept saying I need to skate everyday and I guess I just snapped. I turned around and said "You want me to cut everyday?" I was so pissed. And then it was silent for a good while .. actually the whole ride to school we didn't talk at all. She literally just texted me .. and I'm in 9th period right now and wished me goodluck tonight .. yeah thanks mom! She ughh .. I'm so done with her trying to control me. Cant I have my own life? And now I am paying for gas tonight and idk she didn't want me to go to jiujitsu tonight .. but I will. I have an interview at the library at 3:30 then I'm going to chill with liz and then she and I are going to jiujitsu . Hahaaa I get to see boriss .. Liz's cat .. who I love .. and im sick hahaa great .. this day should be fun 
well off to stuff before school ends .. blehh >.<

4-20 ahaha

So today is 4-20 .. people are cool lol                                                          

Yesterday I went to jiujitsu and I have a cough and I ended up having a really bad athsma attack and I kept going, but now I kinda am having a hard time breathing >.< Anyways I'm still going to jiujitsu again to. Today I drove to school and I left my coffee in the car and I was flipping out. My mom was like are you serious?! I said I NEED MY COFFEE .. so maybe I'm just crazy .. but we all knew that. So last night I was IMing john and Liz at the same time and Liz told me to talk to john and let him know how she felt. And then She like IMed him and then they got into a huge fight and I feel like its my fault now And I dont : / I feel bad. But its kinda not my fault Idk ... I dont feel well I'll write more later tonight I promise

okii its later lol .. i didnt want to write a new blog .. so I'm adding on . So by the time I got to 9th period I couldnt breathe at all .. so i went to the nurse and she was sooo stupid! shes like u have to drink this water and u cant leave until you do so! .. mean bitch! needless to say I'm not going to jiujitsu tonight .. i dont want to die hahaa. So how could you like someone who you never really talk to in person ? I dont get it. I mean I keep thinking about that time john and I were outside after school .. we were on the side of the school leaning against this medal bar. I will never forget that because the sun was hitting down right on me and he was leaning on the railing facing me and i was leaning into him. His hands were on my waiste. I will never forget this.. people were making fun of us cause he was considered my brother at the time.. but i liked him and he likeD me. Anyways he was holding me.. and i miss that moment. I heard his heart ... and i felt so safe in his arms and now ? .. now hes different, but hes still the same .. we are different .. our relationship is different is what I mean. But when ever I feel sad or alone or depressed .. I think about that day ... it was soft and sweet and honestly if i had to define love ... this moment of being held safe in his arms .. that to me .. thats love. But he doesn't like me anymore .. and I'm still here .. just chilling .. trying really hard to move on and for the most part I guess one could say I have .. but thinking about this moment .. knowing that it did happen .. wishing it would happen again ... some small part of me feels like .. his love .. him liking me and me liking him .. that will never go away. And I  don't know about him .. but I have never felt that strong with him .. like chemistry and all .. I guess I cant explain it .. sometimes I just wonder if he ever thinks about this ... I think I might ask him tonight .. because i cant stop thinking about if he does or not.

ps. Imissus... but I cant tell anyone : /

Bomb threat/ whats with me?

There was a bomb threat at my school today. I went to school despite this because I don't know. I woke up having a weird feeling though. Why go to school feeling like that? And I was going to do day of silence, but it wasn't the official Day of silence for my school and there was a bomb threat, and on the way to school I got into a fight with my mom SHOCK! so how could I help, but to defend myself. It was a pretty interesting day. I was searched when i walked in and then when I got to class 15 kids were missing. 15! and my biggest class was 16 kids.. smallest was 5! We didn't do anything all day. And this kid said that the bomb would go off at 10:57 so they evacuated the building at that time for a good 15 minutes lmao. And the lunch lady called me fat. yes thats great I start eating like a normal person and some ugly chick calls me fat while I'm paying for food.. Bitch! .. anyways .. the bomb sniffing dogs were adorable! I saw one walking down the hall and even though we were on lock down all day I screamed "awww cute doggie!!" the guy gave me the most nasty look ever.


After school I came home, picked up my car and friend and went back to the hospital cause thats what i did yesterday too. Our friend J got into a car accident and we wanted to visit him again. Hes so sweet.. but anyways .. so after that I just came home. I've been drinking coffee and I know it's the internet and I am going to probably regret this majorly because this blog is public .. but I really want to cut, drink, smoke, not eat, go in a corner and cry. I don't want to do it to he extreme of what your thinking probably. Just cut like i normally do  did. Smoke? Drink? those are weird ... thats not like me at all. I'm not an alcoholic, but recently when I have felt sad I've craved it, but I wont let myself. And as for not eating.. I have been eating normally which is good. I don't know somethings .. just like going on with me.. and i cant explain it. Like I feel terrible but I have asked .. you know what SCREW THE NOT SAYING NAMES! lol I dont care anymore. its my blog.  I have asked john if he cares abotu me and why, alot of the past few days.. and I feel bad and annoying. Buut truth is I dont get why anyone would care about me. And I wish I didnt seem so needy .. but I just need answers you know?

I guess thats all for now
ps. My eye is soo itchy wtf!?
and im on my 3rd cup of coffee today >.<

1 month .. easier than last time ... possibly harder?

I haven't written in a while so I guess things are going pretty well ... and the fact that I'm busy also makes it hard for me to be able to keep up with this on a daily basis, But I havent cut in exactly one month from today and addiction is addiction, but I've done it all before so I know I will be able to get through it. The eating has been tough but I'm pmsing and so i actually am eating like a normal person this week... but it feels like I'm eating a ton. Got into a fight with my friend last night (btw i decided I'm not using names on here anymore .. just the first letter) I got into a fight with A last night and the thing is I love that girl to death but we hardly are as close as we used to be and i miss that. After the fight I felt like cutting so I forced myself to go to jiujitsu .. actually L told me to go. I have no idea what i would to without her. So I went to jiujitsu and J treated me like shit .. always .. i don't understand what I did to him! like I try to be a good friend and supportive, but he hates me .. he says he cares but im convinced otherwise. haahaa S IMed me last night and asked me about my status. She told me I should drop L and J as best friends .. that I dont need them in my life junoir year of high school .. well fuck her! Yes he may hurt me, but I also know that while I was rushing around my house trying to find something to cut with in my most vulenerable times ... my razors and pocket knives were sleeping safe in his room and I also know for a fact that L would never hurt me. She has been there for me more than all of my friends combined and i've only met her about 7 months ago. So NO S I wont drop them as friends. J and L have both helped me stop cutting not just for them and for people around me, but finally for myself. Thats why this past week I went to my guidance counselor and I told her I'm ready to get help on my own, and i asked her for support groups. And just this morning I went to her office and picked up the refferals and although I want to cut .. I wont. And for that matter I wont drink either.. for I do know that I would become addicted. And I'm done with all this shit because I want to be happy again. And Now a different L.. I met her art jiujitsu and shes so nice and sweet and I'm glad i have these people in my life. And she will be in high school next year and I'm so excited. And I might see L with the ZZ tonight? not entirely sure but i think im going to go to class anyways and I hope L comes. This may be long .. maybe it is? idk if it is but idk .. its just everything that has been on my mind


ps. If you say you care about me.. show it.. or dont lie.. please
don't hurt me more than you have already

thanks
<3

cutting

I dont want to cut ever again... i do .. because im addicted .. but personally i dont .. so i wont!

UGH

Everything happens for a reason. We only do things for reasons.

What do you do from here?

Have you ever swore you would never do something, but you fell into the trap anyways against you values? Ever want to go back and fix it? Nah, Because to go back would be to change the person I am... But would the world be better that way. Would everyone be happier if I went back and changed who I am? Hahaa I can name quite a few people who think I haven't changed, Best friends or shall I say ex best friends. The people in life who are there until you need them the most. The ones who want you to be happy, but if it gets in the way of their happiness by the slightest bit, then they don't care about you. Yeah, everyone knows those people .. they sit next to you in class, live with you, pass you in the hallway.

Have you ever been in so much pain and so hurt you became numb? As if invincible? Like nothing will hurt you any more? Ever cried so hard that after awhile you cant form tears, but somehow under the rules or human life you still manage to cry? Have you ever wanted to jump off a bridge, give up, but not die, oh no; NOT die.

Have you ever been so hungry you just don't feel hunger anymore? Ever think that if you stop eating long enough, the skinnier you get maybe one day you'll just disappear And the world stops and the tips of your feet? Have you ever wanted to never touch food again, yet where starving for a piece of something? Eating too much wanting to take your finger and _ okii lets stop there for a second, I'm not crazy, not insane.

Sexual harrassment, Control issues, Cutting, Eating disorders, Trust issues, test anxiety, falling for the wrong people, Bipolar mom, drunk step dad, emotional sister. No family, dad died at age four. Short, too muscular, bad skin, big nose. Says things that shouldnt be said. Lost yet She knows EXACTLY who SHE is.

yup thats me, so average? maybe not. Been in love yes, knows how it feels to get hurt yes.. but the future no one can tell. I said I wouldnt do soo many things, but damn things change, I changed.

And maybe we could go back and think about the past and how our lives would change if we did something else, but then what ? would i have falling in love, would i have gotten a car, or met my best friends?

The past doesn't define us, but rather who we are now.

Personal venting.

Ok so heres how things are going to go from now on. I neeeeeed to vent about things and its personal things. I know about 2-3 people actually read this So I'm going to vent.

CAUTION: when I vent I make it more dramatic then it is.

A year ago I felt skinny. Because I AM! I know I'm skinny. I know I'm Skinny. I knew I was skinny. I knew. I don't know any more? Its not about the wait or the way I look or anything .. But I guess my friend was right, I have slipped way deeper then i would have imagined. I only ate a pack of skittles, a sandwhich, a bowl of soup, a water bottle, and rice crackers, and a glass or apple juice. I don't see myself as fat and i dont see myself as skinny and i was happy about this for a really loooong time, but i didnt eat a lot today and I'm pmsing and today was my first day back at skating so i was like hmm i want food. I took some more cheese (a few slices) and then two packets of hot chocolate and started to make it. My ASSHOLE drunk stupid hurtful stepdad walked in and said "Sam you have to start watching wat your eating.. You need to lose weight" Ummm ok one ur a fucken drunk so just shut the fuck up! he eats everything plus alcohol is a hell of a lot more calories then i took in the past two fucken days! So yeah that pissed me off, but i was like damn i really need to drink this so i took it in my room and took a banana too. I keep thinking about the summer. I keep thinking that ill have sex and blah blah blah in the summer ... today i thought .. hmm ill havethe house to myself for a while over the summer .. sounds like thats when i could really lose weight (if you understand what i'm saying) I cant take this anymore. I didnt do it in the shower, but it was tempting. I just feel so idk ...i guess its because my self esteem has gone down like a million times bad shit always happens to me and im so complicated. Sometimes I wish i was a guy because no matter how complicated they are, to woman they are SIMPLE .... Any ways I had a flash back today .. actually i had like a life time of flash backs. To the first time i was hit by a parent, to the first time i was sexully harrassed. any ways .. i was talking about failing. I fail everything .. things people never study for , things people dont care about .. I fail working my ass off ... I dont know ... i just feel soo overwhelmed with school and skating right now .. and love .. or falling .. unsure if their willing to catch me ... im not gonna cut, im not gonna be bulemic .. but this is a lot of what through my head today and I have no one to tell this to, i dont want to tell this to any one.

In the end everything matters.

I don't want to commit suicide so don't even think that. I just want the shit to stop. I want the drama to fade, someone to hold me, my friends to act like friends. Everything is changing and i have abandonment issues. I cant deal with this. I can't deal with any of this! It seems like my friends are trying to get me to my break down. Is this a test to see if I'll cut again? because I'm comming close. I have no one. I just need someone to sit down with me and say "sam I care about you, I love you, please don't hurt yourself because you mean the world to me. Do it for me if you can't for yourself" but no one care enough to say that. its like everything i knew before 2010 is a lie. Junoir year sucks I can only be thankful that its almost halfway over. Everyting is crashing, and i guess all of the things i thought i would never be, or things that i thought would never matter, really so matter. I'm lost in life i don't really know who anyone around me is anymore. im scared everyday going to school. What will 4th period and 5th and 6th 7th 8th period bring? what if all of my friends backstab me more? they can break me even more then they have already. It scares me .. i m afraid that yet again in life i have no one. ... o wait i really do have no one.

Big rant .. this is what happens when I don't go to school :x

So I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just stupid for thinking in heaven. Maybe its more of me being stupid thinking that my dad could somehow still be there for me when I need him. I guess I must have missed the part in life when people start to realize when someones dead they have no chance of ever comming back to life. I knew he wouldn't come back, I mean lets not get too rediculous here, but I thought somehow he would be there for me in spirits. I guess I was wrong... Or maybe hes just too ashamed to call me his daughter, maybe her watching me right now thinking " I can't believe she turned out like this" Well I'll never know and this is why I want to go to valhala because even though my dad died when I was four.. Out of all the people in my family I think that my dad would understand me more then anyone else. I write him letters and put them on his grave .. but I never get to go even see him... and even though my mom would say shes "too busy" to take me .. I really don't want to go with her. Just want to go up with a close friend, someone who I can trust. Who is that? lol Theres Liz, and Baca, and thats it. Theres more people who thinkthey are my best friends, but when it comes down to it no one knows about my past, present and future more then them. But thinking on it ... Who can I call when I'm terribly upset ... no one .. So whose really truely my best friend?


I guess four days without having the urge to cut is amazing.. 2010 say hello to my issues .. THERE BACKKK... yeah I fail and I want to cut. Isn't it kind of funny? because it used to be big things like Sexual harrassment or my mom pushing eating disorders on me. Now its simple, get into a fight with a friend-cut...fail something- cut... then it gets even more simple .. feel sick -cut... but i don't cut ANYMORE .. I want to A Lot, but I don't. So where does that leave me? Having it on my mind 90% of the time. Is that BETTER than NOT CUTTING at all? because I feel like its kind of the same thing. Well at least I personally think that if you think about it then your still "sick" I quote the word because I'm not really sick .. I just don't have the right ways of coping with things. But I havent cut in 343 days so i must be doing something right. hahaa


Most people will tell me "oh you don't fail everything" But the truth is I DO. Its 100% true. Skating, Math, Anything that makes me nervious I will fail, its sad really. I guess how some people get shy and they just can't pull through it (because when I'm shy I CAN push myself) Thats me when I get nervious, i can't sleep, cant stop thinking, I worry too much>.< .. but thats everything in my life.. it sucks and I need to fix things. But how fix it when i have no one to help me?

I like being held .. its wierd .. I mean theres this feeling I get kind of when u eat ur favorite food, but better and the feeling lasts a loooong time! When I'm held it makes me feel like someone cares and I just ughh the feeling of being held is amazing and i just wish the person would never let go.. and I need to be held right now >.<

not wanting to cut.

So so far this year i havent really wanted to cut but then again its only been wat 2 days? lol So I was online and i found this girl posted a long list of things to do when you want to cut so im going to take stuff off her list that i think are do able and that when when I want to cut I can do those things instead so ... LIST!:

1)Being with other people

2)Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.)

3)Cuddling with a stuffed toy <<<<>

4)Going to see a movie

5)Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food)

6)Doing school work

7)Call a friend and ask for company <<<>.<

8)A hot shower

9)Reading a good book

10)Listening to music

11)Finding someone else you can help out

12)Painting or drawing

Truth is .. when i want to cut .. none of these are good to me .. maybe talking to someone but no one really listens they say they will but they never do. the only thing that will make me not want to cut is having someone hold me for a long time. :]