So I was all down yesterday and then i was thinking about something and so i was after school and i just got up and said guys hold this and ran .. i ran from the track to the school and back to the track and to the school over and over again.. not gonna lie it did work! but only for like 15 min, but had i run more it would have worked i guess. Thinking of going back to delaware reminds me of last year...I mean I was almost in love with rebecca at the time and then I was best friends with liz and i was bi and i was confused and tiny and didnt know which way to turn. But I realized I have grown up so much this past year its crazy. I am all sad though i mean scott broke my heart and i dont even think perry wants to be my friend .. but the whole scott thing I mean he asked me last year to go to prom and I said yes then he asked MYBESTFRIEND! like are you fucken kidding me! thats sooo stupid! then he tells me the reason hes not taking me which are things I either have nothing to do with or things I cant change about myself. And honestly if i could change them I don't think I would because like I love who I am to day and always. I havent cut in like 91 days and yes i do miss people but Ill get over it .. i ignore it everyday and it works. So another reason Im sad
next month exactly may 27th is the day my heart broke ...the day all the shit and stupid things happed .... from this time till may 30th is when all the shit went down last year. Istarted cutting I fell for rebecca I became friends with liz I got my hear broken by megan ... when she and anthony started going out on may 27th ... may27th and now its their one year! and May is my dads birthday .. i think its also mothers day. And its all these things I hate!.... This part of the year just makes me really upset. Well like I dont know
I love all my friends!!! sooo so so much and without everysingle one of them from the one i never see to the one that wont talk to me as much to the really annoying one I still love all of them from the bottom of my heart. I love rebecca ariella brooke liz melissa I love eeman megan sarah rachel josh jake scott and like a lot more people I LOVE THEM ALL SOO MUCH and if werent for each and everyone of you I would not have survived between last year and this year. Actually When i was at boarding school Melissa helped me the most, but we dont talk anymore because like liz told her to ignore me or something stupid little freshman do. Well like I love allof you soo much. I came back from boarding school for Liz and my friends and you know whats Ironic is that i came back for liz and I was forced to break up with her 2 weeks after I got back .... Irather be away .,... from here...... far away
I want wings
and I
want to
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
fly
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
pissed off
THIS PISSES ME OFF!
soo i wrote a message to scott.. illl even copy and paste it here ... h/o
soo i wrote a message to scott.. illl even copy and paste it here ... h/o
"Scott .. what to say .. hmm well ok i didnt start to write a message to you because i didnt have anything to say. I have a lot to say actually. dont worry this wont be like the other message, but sorry if its long.
I am upset with you and i obviously as you can tell from the past, I dont really have the strength to ignore you. Its not who i am, in fact i cant ignore anyone. I am upset with the fact that i thought we were best friends. I am upset with the fact that you asked MY best friend to the prom while you knew ... whatever im not making a message to yell at you or tell you im going to ignore you because i'm not. I just am simply writing a message to tell you that i am hurt at what you did. I dont care about prom, but i do care about the fact that we ARE best friends! and you hurt me. I dont care about our past or history or w.e you want to call it because .. yeah it was fucked up and now my who sexual orientation is fucked up and i started cutting because of it... but i am letting that go and i hope you can do the same. I liked our relationship last year before all this shit. I loved the long talks and our conversations when we were ourselves. And why cant we go back to that? it was so easy and simple at the time.
so Im not trying to make you feel guity or upset .. i just wanted to tell you how i feel because its just who i am.
ps. its only awkward if you make it awkward and honestly i dont think its awkward when we hang out or talk.
thanks and sorry"
And then i went to a party and he was there and he talked to me about it and he said he didnt ask me to prom because when someone ANY ONE touchs my hips and squeezes i laugh! WTF THATS BULL FUCKEN SHIT! I AM SOO PISSED RIGHT NOW!!! LIKE UGHHHHHH and then he says the other reason is because this girl caroline doesnt like my sister .... WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME!!!!! LIKE UGHH I HATE GUYS !!!! I HATE SCOTTT AND YET MY HEART ALWAYS FALLS FOR HIM WTF?!?!?!
w.e im donE!
I am upset with you and i obviously as you can tell from the past, I dont really have the strength to ignore you. Its not who i am, in fact i cant ignore anyone. I am upset with the fact that i thought we were best friends. I am upset with the fact that you asked MY best friend to the prom while you knew ... whatever im not making a message to yell at you or tell you im going to ignore you because i'm not. I just am simply writing a message to tell you that i am hurt at what you did. I dont care about prom, but i do care about the fact that we ARE best friends! and you hurt me. I dont care about our past or history or w.e you want to call it because .. yeah it was fucked up and now my who sexual orientation is fucked up and i started cutting because of it... but i am letting that go and i hope you can do the same. I liked our relationship last year before all this shit. I loved the long talks and our conversations when we were ourselves. And why cant we go back to that? it was so easy and simple at the time.
so Im not trying to make you feel guity or upset .. i just wanted to tell you how i feel because its just who i am.
ps. its only awkward if you make it awkward and honestly i dont think its awkward when we hang out or talk.
thanks and sorry"
And then i went to a party and he was there and he talked to me about it and he said he didnt ask me to prom because when someone ANY ONE touchs my hips and squeezes i laugh! WTF THATS BULL FUCKEN SHIT! I AM SOO PISSED RIGHT NOW!!! LIKE UGHHHHHH and then he says the other reason is because this girl caroline doesnt like my sister .... WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME!!!!! LIKE UGHH I HATE GUYS !!!! I HATE SCOTTT AND YET MY HEART ALWAYS FALLS FOR HIM WTF?!?!?!
w.e im donE!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
creative non-fiction
It was peaceful, but no one could tell. My family and I were going out to the diner. It was something that looked normal, simple, and peaceful. Most people don’t think about the background of the family or why the family is altogether. They don’t ask why we are coming to the diner its just simple. Dinner was filled with laughs and hope, but leaving the diner was more complicated. Walking on the cold concrete of the parking lot, we stopped in the middle to say our goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my mother and father thinking that I would see them just tomorrow. Little did I know, I wasn’t going home for the night, but rather I was going to my Aunt and Uncles? My father was sick with cancer and that it would be best to relieve the stress on us for one night.
Its crazy how the past could be totally different from the future, a close loving family now strained and barley talking to one another.
My sister and I would always play this simple came where I would spell out something and she would tell me if it was an actual word. This game was very amusing for a four year old. Of course I never actually spelled the correct words, but I was young what do you expect?
The night was running in as to force the little ones such as myself to sleep. I got moved to another room a few minutes after turning out the lights because my sister and I couldn’t stop fighting. Moved to right across the hall I could still watch my sister sleep. Who knew it would be the last innocent face I would see of hers.
As morning walked in we sat down for breakfast. I asked my sister “what does R-E-L-A-X spell?” everyone seemed to stare at me, had I actually spelled my first correct word? I guess something must have happened over night. But just then my aunt got a call, the call that would change my life forever. It was the call that decided my future and part of who I am today. The hardest call my mother ever had to make. My aunt got all upset and rushed my sister and I into the car. She told us she was taking us home, but she wouldn’t say anything else. What was going on? I was four, but I could still understand that something wasn’t right.
After twenty long quiet minutes we got out of the car and in slow motion walked up to my house. As soon as the door opened I ran to my mom asking where my dad was. She wouldn’t answer me so I ran past the curtain, which hid the room that my dad stayed in while he was sick. He would sleep and eat and breathe in that room for months before now. When I opened it, he wasn’t there. Confused and worried my mom and my psychologist brought my sister and I into my room. Standing silent by the end on my bed. Next to the closet that has monsters and bakers who lived inside of it and in front of my innocent stuffed animal’s. The silence broke when my sister asked, “Is he dead?” it was silent again. No one wanted to face the reality of what happened last night. No one wanted to tell me anything. My sister collapsed in the arms of both my psychologist and my mother, leaving me to be confused by myself. I didn’t understand so I laughed. I laughed at the news of my father’s death. Laughed because death was another language to me at the time. And when we left the room it had finally come to my attention that the house wasn’t quiet at all, but rather crowded with family and friends.
Night was strolling in, but it couldn’t come fast enough. It was quiet in the house now, no doctors, and no middle of the night check ups. Darkness and love brought my sister and I into my mother’s bed. We slept all three of us together, holding on to what little hope we had left.
Once my little eyes shut it was morning and it was one of the days I will never forget. It was the day I wore a black dress and black shoes. It was the day I rode in a limo following a hearse. The day that was cold and it was a day I would remember for the rest of my life.
Riding in the limo it was silent only remembering mumbles and darkness. The sound still rings in my head as if it were only yesterday that I was back there on that very day, high heels rubbing against cold concrete. It was windy in the cemetery and the cold air rushed against my face. I took the shovel and I buried him. I was four and I buried my father. It was cold, morbid, and quiet. Being it was cold my mom sent me back into the car by myself. Sitting there the silence was screaming at me, but all I could do was sit there and ignore the screams, sit there until the hope of the people around me returned to the limo and soon I would be on my way home.
hahaa this is what i have to write in school blehhhh
ps. chain smoking is even worse then smoking!!!! DONT DO IT!!!!!
Its crazy how the past could be totally different from the future, a close loving family now strained and barley talking to one another.
My sister and I would always play this simple came where I would spell out something and she would tell me if it was an actual word. This game was very amusing for a four year old. Of course I never actually spelled the correct words, but I was young what do you expect?
The night was running in as to force the little ones such as myself to sleep. I got moved to another room a few minutes after turning out the lights because my sister and I couldn’t stop fighting. Moved to right across the hall I could still watch my sister sleep. Who knew it would be the last innocent face I would see of hers.
As morning walked in we sat down for breakfast. I asked my sister “what does R-E-L-A-X spell?” everyone seemed to stare at me, had I actually spelled my first correct word? I guess something must have happened over night. But just then my aunt got a call, the call that would change my life forever. It was the call that decided my future and part of who I am today. The hardest call my mother ever had to make. My aunt got all upset and rushed my sister and I into the car. She told us she was taking us home, but she wouldn’t say anything else. What was going on? I was four, but I could still understand that something wasn’t right.
After twenty long quiet minutes we got out of the car and in slow motion walked up to my house. As soon as the door opened I ran to my mom asking where my dad was. She wouldn’t answer me so I ran past the curtain, which hid the room that my dad stayed in while he was sick. He would sleep and eat and breathe in that room for months before now. When I opened it, he wasn’t there. Confused and worried my mom and my psychologist brought my sister and I into my room. Standing silent by the end on my bed. Next to the closet that has monsters and bakers who lived inside of it and in front of my innocent stuffed animal’s. The silence broke when my sister asked, “Is he dead?” it was silent again. No one wanted to face the reality of what happened last night. No one wanted to tell me anything. My sister collapsed in the arms of both my psychologist and my mother, leaving me to be confused by myself. I didn’t understand so I laughed. I laughed at the news of my father’s death. Laughed because death was another language to me at the time. And when we left the room it had finally come to my attention that the house wasn’t quiet at all, but rather crowded with family and friends.
Night was strolling in, but it couldn’t come fast enough. It was quiet in the house now, no doctors, and no middle of the night check ups. Darkness and love brought my sister and I into my mother’s bed. We slept all three of us together, holding on to what little hope we had left.
Once my little eyes shut it was morning and it was one of the days I will never forget. It was the day I wore a black dress and black shoes. It was the day I rode in a limo following a hearse. The day that was cold and it was a day I would remember for the rest of my life.
Riding in the limo it was silent only remembering mumbles and darkness. The sound still rings in my head as if it were only yesterday that I was back there on that very day, high heels rubbing against cold concrete. It was windy in the cemetery and the cold air rushed against my face. I took the shovel and I buried him. I was four and I buried my father. It was cold, morbid, and quiet. Being it was cold my mom sent me back into the car by myself. Sitting there the silence was screaming at me, but all I could do was sit there and ignore the screams, sit there until the hope of the people around me returned to the limo and soon I would be on my way home.
hahaa this is what i have to write in school blehhhh
ps. chain smoking is even worse then smoking!!!! DONT DO IT!!!!!
Monday, April 20, 2009
okiii happy ?
soo i am trying out for synchro skating team and try outs started last week its like an introduction to synchro for like 3 sundays in a row and then theres cliniques which train you for the actual tryouts which is like 3 sundays in a row or somethign and then the actual tryouts are june 7th! how crazy!!! i have like a lot of tryouts lol. But i pulled my groin muscle! : ( and it hurts xD lol oh and i asked perry out and he agreed to go on a date .. which is something!!! i dont know its wierd. He understands that i have a past. And hes understands me kinda and he listens and he doesnt think im annoying and hes cute and sweet and jewish and nice and smells good lol .. but i like him and my heart skips a beat when i see him ... i didnt think it was possible but my heart skips a beat when i see him in the hall at school and i cant breathe! but hes amazing! and his eyes! ok so i have a thing for eyes but people know that about me so shhhhsssh tomorrow I am going to wear short sleeves!!! TO SCHOOL! im soo excited its gonna be the first time since yeah and and and i am soo happy and proud and its been 82 days! and im not going to do it ever again! :) because im myself again .. laughing and smiling and enjoying life .. and yeah :)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
the final L word
Today I spent all day watching the L word and now I am here crying because its over this is what i said to my friend :
it helped me to realize who i am .. and now its over ... i relied on that show to help me stay true to who i am during the summer wen i was pretending to be straight .. i hid watching it i watched it wen no one was around .. it gave me hope that maybe i could be out and proud as much as they r and now its over .. its over and i dk wat to do it sounds pathetic
She is going to give me all of her seasons because it means soo much to me! she is an amazing friend.! I love jess thank you soo much! u made my day and you will never realize it! xD
it helped me to realize who i am .. and now its over ... i relied on that show to help me stay true to who i am during the summer wen i was pretending to be straight .. i hid watching it i watched it wen no one was around .. it gave me hope that maybe i could be out and proud as much as they r and now its over .. its over and i dk wat to do it sounds pathetic
She is going to give me all of her seasons because it means soo much to me! she is an amazing friend.! I love jess thank you soo much! u made my day and you will never realize it! xD
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
TO MAGGIE PLEASE READ
Okii okii SOooooooo I am really feeell like shit right now because like i woke up and noticed i had a missed call and and and my cellphone the vibrate is broken .. I WAS UP AT 12:01 LAST NIGHT~ if I heard the phone vibrate then ughhh I would have answered I am going to verizon in a few days because now I'm missing important phone calls. I feel terrrible and I know technically its not my fault, but I still feel like crap. and I am really Sorry for that. I dont want you to think that I am a liar or that i dont care about you because I do and When I realized u called I was soooo upset I yelled at my mom telling her i need to get a new phone because im missing important phone calls. soooooooooooooooooooooo yeah I am SOOO sorrryyyy!!!!! Soo pleaseeeeeee be okayyyy please i am soo sorrry ... i promise im here for u even if my phone is being retarded sorry : '(
My friend wants me to listen to this song soooo:
"getting away with murder"
okii now back to school .. my teacher is soo oblivious lol
My friend wants me to listen to this song soooo:
"getting away with murder"
okii now back to school .. my teacher is soo oblivious lol
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
what I really think
Wow soo .. i love how everyone thinks I'm an amazing friend .. okii well obviously I am an amazing friend,but its because I actually care about helping people. I guess its now just what I'm known for. I yes I like perry, but I am glad that he will still be in my life. Maggie on the other hand should have called my all the way echeemmm ... I would have talked to you, but I am glad that you called suicide hotline. And that you are getting better? You should tell you psychologist everything, but thats only if you want help. I dyed my hair and It looks weird butbutbut .. yeah and I am working all next week. I feel so alone ... I am an amazing friend and I love giving advice and helping people, but I need physical I need to feel loved .. and i need a hug not a stupid hug I need a full body long lasting reassuring hug. Not that I dont get hugs everyday but I need this one certain hug .. I need a hug from someone I like .. like perry ... just a soft and tight hug letting me know I'm not alone. I feel like .... I dont want my life to be wasted so I start helping people now even though i am so young or so they say. 16 is not young anymore 16 is young adult 16 is driving age and in italy you can drink at 16 too. 16 is an age where if you kill someone you get charged as an adult and the consequences get harsher as you get closer to going into the real world. Drug are more obvious, but stay away from those. I want to live long so I can help more then one life. I want to make a difference I want to hold a heart in the palm of my hand. And I am so thankfull that I have no gag reflex. I am thankful that it has been 69 days of me not cutting and on the 100th day . I am going to celebrate because My life has a fresh new beginning. I love it. I love everthing, I just hate that feeling of being oh so alone and I wish I could fix it, but theres nothing I can really do about it except sit back and keep my phone on and give people the help/ advice they need because at the end of the day it doesnt matter who I have a crush on, but rather the fact that my friends are all happy and ok.
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