I have no Idea what I'm going to do this summer at all and it scares me a little bit because I could go down to delaware or I could go to nyu for precollege program or I could work. I don't really know what I should do. But yes I was stalking on Cassies .. maybe I spelled her name wrong .... blogg and Like I think shes falling for someone! and thats great and even though she hates me I am really happy for her. I'm crushing on someone bigggg time!!! and hes soooo nice.! yes I know I just said HE!!!! I LIKE A GUY! and not just any guy .. oh no! this guy if nice and sweet and cute and adorable and did I mention his grades? he is in exellerated like my but he is in honors exellerated! and his eyes! they are like greenish grey and he understands me! he doesnt think I'm crazy! and I told him about the cutting and I told him I stopped and I told him about the being bi and the sexual harassment and he still talks to me! and hes coming to my party this weekend and and and he is exactly a half a year younger then me! and hes ughhh amazing! and and and did I meantion hes JEWISH! yess and his mom wants him to get a girlfriend whos a nice little jewish girl!
IM NICE
IM LITTLE
IM JEWISH
AND IM A GIRL!!!!!!
<3333>
and hes strong really strong and yes hes confused at the moment ... I know how that feels and I told him I'm always here if he needs to talk. I am going in deep. I don't know how I like a guy .. its wierd but I don't ask.
oh and the play is over and now i dont see him everyday btu I do miss the whole cast they were all so nice and sweet ... but I shall do the play next year oh! and scott wants to ask me to prom!!!!! since wen did I start liking guys again?
welll I miss the play "the boyfriend" stupid play though lol
until next time :)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
rant before english lol
Soo by the way MAGGIE my phone was on aLLLL night! and you could and should have called me!!!!! ... but yeah soo anyways .. i called suicide hotline a little while back and the people on the phone are obnoxiously nice!! its really scarey and I kinda don't like it! I called and when they answered i forgot what my problem was besides the fact that i was really depressed and soo i asked for a few groups for gay w.e and cutting w.e lol and they gave it to me and that was greatt and basically yeah lol I wouldn't call again unless it was an emergency but it helps to know they r there if i need them! .. but anyways ... today is a good day and im happy ? shit is that possible ? samantha to be happy again? SHOCK! well I'm the exactly back to my old self but I not depressed as much and I realize where everything stands in my life. I am being stupid and counting down to my bday but screw it who doesnt count down to their birthday!!! it 14 days left which is exactly 2 weeks from today and in two weeks from now i will have my permit!!!!!!!! omgomgomg!! permitt~!!!!! yay!! then i could drive to school and rebeccas and maggies and ariellas and and and my friends from schools houses and places and eat taco bell or like maggie could come and i could drive her to taco bell .. okii maybe thats too extereme because well I still have to take drivers ed and well i need to be 17 in order to drive butbutbut i wanna drive now!!! lol w.e okokok soooo yesterday I like had tons of convos with perryy and and and like we took a pic together and hes soo sweet and nice and I invited him to my birthday party <333>
there is only like 7 min left of class butbutbut i don't feel like getting up and walking through the library down the stairs past the guidance office and past the gym and into the english wing .. its too much effort especially with all the assholes and they sluts and then the emos and the weird people and the people who are depressed and the overly happy people and the people crying because they just failed a test and the people laughing at their teachers and and and yeahh too much energy to get up from this comfy seat in the mac lab and go to english lol ... wow a rant about people in my school!
you have the stupid freshman which are immature and have no idea how stupid they look and the slutty freshman who get invited to partys and go and no one really cares about them but they think they are bad ass and then you have sophomores. they think that they know everything about everything yes the sluts get invited to partys but well their life is screwed as it is they don't need to actually get screwed and you have the sophomores who are friends with the senoirs and whos friends are going to the prom yeah thats my group although i also hang out with freshman and some people in my grade and afew junoirs
but then you have the junoirs who are bitchy because thats the hardest year of high school and you have the senoirs who dont give a FUCK! and and and yeah lol .. okokok .. soooooo basically the bell is gonna ring in like 3 min and soo i should get off and but i dont want to but i know you will read this soo please txt me! cause cause cause like u need to talk to someone and im HERE ALL THE TIME!!!! xD yeep and i will help you because im an amazing friend fuck its wat im known for in school xD soo yeah
byesssssssss
eww english!
there is only like 7 min left of class butbutbut i don't feel like getting up and walking through the library down the stairs past the guidance office and past the gym and into the english wing .. its too much effort especially with all the assholes and they sluts and then the emos and the weird people and the people who are depressed and the overly happy people and the people crying because they just failed a test and the people laughing at their teachers and and and yeahh too much energy to get up from this comfy seat in the mac lab and go to english lol ... wow a rant about people in my school!
you have the stupid freshman which are immature and have no idea how stupid they look and the slutty freshman who get invited to partys and go and no one really cares about them but they think they are bad ass and then you have sophomores. they think that they know everything about everything yes the sluts get invited to partys but well their life is screwed as it is they don't need to actually get screwed and you have the sophomores who are friends with the senoirs and whos friends are going to the prom yeah thats my group although i also hang out with freshman and some people in my grade and afew junoirs
but then you have the junoirs who are bitchy because thats the hardest year of high school and you have the senoirs who dont give a FUCK! and and and yeah lol .. okokok .. soooooo basically the bell is gonna ring in like 3 min and soo i should get off and but i dont want to but i know you will read this soo please txt me! cause cause cause like u need to talk to someone and im HERE ALL THE TIME!!!! xD yeep and i will help you because im an amazing friend fuck its wat im known for in school xD soo yeah
byesssssssss
eww english!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
rant during classs xD
I was thinking a lot about this actually. Why do I breath? and Its a valid question I mean why do any of us breathe?But theres something more to it .. there is ... there has to be. obviously we all breathe because we have to in order to live ... its a feeling of comfort I guess. When we feel stressed or annoyed or even tired at night we take a deep long breathe. Its a comfort.. A safety blanket. to us it feels like home. Why do I breathe? Well I breather because I care. My friends and family and even my peers .. they need me .. I will always be the person they lean on and trust for help and advice. I will always be the one they call at 2 in the morning crying about a boy or maybe cryig abut their parents. God knows we all cry because of our parents. They call for no reason except they need a friend to talk to. And I am always by my phone. always.
I breathe because at first i didnt realize i have an option. but wanting to save a life and trying to live my life in order to do so is why i still breath. I breath because I trust the people around me And because without breathing there would be no words, no songs or poems, no speaking how you feel. breathing is the center of want makes us who we are and I continue breathing because honestly breathing is sooo much better then dieing!
okii soo yeah I wrote that isnt it fabulous lol .. but i believe it i do i do! .. okii soo im kinda taking a risk by writing during creative writing because the teacher could possibly yell at me, but fuck it .. idc .. soo today i have rehearsal till 9! and if u see this .. txt me!!!!! cause i will either be too busy to txt back or extremley bored out of my mind!. soo even though i should be saddd .. i am kinda really happy lol ... Its crazy . cause i like a guy and he and i are becoming friends and im iviting him to my party !! and hes soo adorable and sweet and JEWISH lol and omg i really really like him! and this is wierd .. im talking about a guy but I guess Im bi. Not like labels really matter I mean you are who you are what ever!. but yeah .. and and and ... Im kinda excited 15!!!!!!!more days till im 16!!!!!!!!!! and then i get my permit and i can drive with my mom in the car and yay!!! and then in a year i will be able to drive! and i could drive to the train station or to mount sinia or or I could drive to kingspark !!! and yay!!!! drive to ariellas house or or or .. i could drive to places after school and shit!! yay!! im sooo so so excited and and and then when I can drive I can go visit my dad!!! and and and that means a lot to me! go visit him without my mom or my sister just me! and maybe a friend .. if my friend whoever that is .. wants to come lol .. thats kinda wierd lol .. but i have like 10 minutes left in this period and i really am bored so ima gonna keep ranting ..and if someone reads this is .. im imprest <3333>
okii ima go now cause my hands hurt from typing for like 10 minutes and i still have like 4 min left but screw that haha ... okii yeas bye <3333>
I breathe because at first i didnt realize i have an option. but wanting to save a life and trying to live my life in order to do so is why i still breath. I breath because I trust the people around me And because without breathing there would be no words, no songs or poems, no speaking how you feel. breathing is the center of want makes us who we are and I continue breathing because honestly breathing is sooo much better then dieing!
okii soo yeah I wrote that isnt it fabulous lol .. but i believe it i do i do! .. okii soo im kinda taking a risk by writing during creative writing because the teacher could possibly yell at me, but fuck it .. idc .. soo today i have rehearsal till 9! and if u see this .. txt me!!!!! cause i will either be too busy to txt back or extremley bored out of my mind!. soo even though i should be saddd .. i am kinda really happy lol ... Its crazy . cause i like a guy and he and i are becoming friends and im iviting him to my party !! and hes soo adorable and sweet and JEWISH lol and omg i really really like him! and this is wierd .. im talking about a guy but I guess Im bi. Not like labels really matter I mean you are who you are what ever!. but yeah .. and and and ... Im kinda excited 15!!!!!!!more days till im 16!!!!!!!!!! and then i get my permit and i can drive with my mom in the car and yay!!! and then in a year i will be able to drive! and i could drive to the train station or to mount sinia or or I could drive to kingspark !!! and yay!!!! drive to ariellas house or or or .. i could drive to places after school and shit!! yay!! im sooo so so excited and and and then when I can drive I can go visit my dad!!! and and and that means a lot to me! go visit him without my mom or my sister just me! and maybe a friend .. if my friend whoever that is .. wants to come lol .. thats kinda wierd lol .. but i have like 10 minutes left in this period and i really am bored so ima gonna keep ranting ..and if someone reads this is .. im imprest <3333>
okii ima go now cause my hands hurt from typing for like 10 minutes and i still have like 4 min left but screw that haha ... okii yeas bye <3333>
Saturday, March 14, 2009
duck duck goose
yet again .. maggie posted something and then deleted it .. sooo thank you for that .. especially because it was titled "HAI SAM" fgeuiohbjk wnri]kbg!!!! lol I wanna know what it said, but any ways i have to go to play rehearsal in like 20 min and i just woke up and yeah ... last night was amazing but btubut when i woke up i got a text from liz! i know right? wierd! she saw one of my friends .. but did she need to really txt me and tell me ? I want an apology!!!! i need one other wise .. otherwise nothing because i cant ignore people .. for more then 3 weeks thats the max everyone of my friends know it .. and its not fair because there are people i never want to talk to ever again but i cant help talking to them and yeah now im ranting and soo im done basically i have to go get changed and fix my hair and stuff i think perry might be at rehearsal today ... omg omgomg hes sooo adorable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! soo yeah... but ummmm DUCK! DUCK duck DUCK
GOOSSEE!!!! <3
GOOSSEE!!!! <3
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I HAVE MY stupid period!
soo honestly i don't know anything about anything any more ... i mean my life is way tooo complicated and i just want things to be simple again! i have been such a bitch the past few days to like everyone except maggie and ariella. And eeman ..ok ok not everyone but most people. And like last night i was flipping out at my friend because like i was venting and it felt good to vent but then i like was all depressed and called the suicide hotline and we talked and it was nice to have someone listen and care and realize what im going through is a lot. When I talk to my friends they either dont listen or try to give me advice or just start bitching about their own problems! ugh its sooo annoying and what happened to the days when i didnt need a psychologist and then like ../.wtf am i saying?!?!
DO I LIKE GUYS OR NOT?!
can anyone give me the answer? please! cause i need it desperately! please take me out of my misery i beg you!
DO I LIKE GUYS OR NOT?!
can anyone give me the answer? please! cause i need it desperately! please take me out of my misery i beg you!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Thank you
okii sooo heres the 411 lmao i never say that ..
soo maggie thank yous i totally read that while my teacher was talking lol
But im worried about the fact That You threw blood... it scares me!
butbutbut Basically Liz and I hate saying this so I will only say it once ..
Liz is dead to me. She ripped out my heart and how ironic now i am heartless towards her starting last night when i cried for 3 hours because I was upset soo i calmed down and ok maybe i shouldnt have called her but she had to be such a fucken bitch as to tell me to never txt call or im her ever again just because of that one fucken thing like no! but i didnt cut! and i totally would have too but i DIDNT!!!!! YAY!!!!!!
and I took liz off of my sweet 16 invite list cause i dont want bitches at my party .. i think liz may have made me straight cause guys are assholes but girls stab you in the back~
xD
soo maggie thank yous i totally read that while my teacher was talking lol
But im worried about the fact That You threw blood... it scares me!
butbutbut Basically Liz and I hate saying this so I will only say it once ..
Liz is dead to me. She ripped out my heart and how ironic now i am heartless towards her starting last night when i cried for 3 hours because I was upset soo i calmed down and ok maybe i shouldnt have called her but she had to be such a fucken bitch as to tell me to never txt call or im her ever again just because of that one fucken thing like no! but i didnt cut! and i totally would have too but i DIDNT!!!!! YAY!!!!!!
and I took liz off of my sweet 16 invite list cause i dont want bitches at my party .. i think liz may have made me straight cause guys are assholes but girls stab you in the back~
xD
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
What happend last night
Last night i did the stupidest thing ever!!!!! ... sooo like I was getting ready for bed And I got off the phone with my friend sarah. Then I turned off the light .. went to go to sleep and noticed that something was different. So I felt my wrist and there were only two bracelets and I at first was like ok ok don't panic It must be around some where. You see the thing is Its ok that it fell off I knew that was going to happen soon, but the fact that i couldnt find it got me going. I checked everywhere in the fucken house! then I started crying and left a called everyone but only rachel picked up .. but she didnt know how to cheer me up soo I called 5 other people and finally eeman picked up and I was like omg! and I was having a break down and crying histerically.
So then she cheered me up and she said i should call my ex. I was like that might be a stupid idea but i hung up and called Liz. Being it was the bracelet she and I both wore when we were going out. But it Came off before and I put it back on And the thing is .. I am officially over Liz I have been for a while .. I mean like a piece of me will always be in love with her, but its like that with my other ex whom i fell in love with. Any ways So I called liz and i shouldnt have! I was so stupid to call her, but I did... And I left a message and she probably listened to it already and if she didnt hate me before she will most deffinately hate me now.
Soo I left her a message and realized after everything that the bracelet was in my pants lmao I DONT KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE SOO DONT BOTHER ASKING! ... Well I was happy because now I can hold on to the bracelet. You see when i wear something everyday for a really long ass time I have this problem where I cant through it away. I have to hold on to it .. So Its not just this specific bracelet , but its many bracelets that I have held and still hold on to today!
Soo Many of you are thinking .. ok ok she cried over the bracelet .. she had a full out break down because of the bracelet, but no thats not everything that happened. Earlier that day I was talking to my friend Megan through Im And the night before she and I both admitted we still think about each other all the time. So I talked to my friend and asked what I should do being she has a bf for nine months now, He and a few other people i asked said the same thing. If I want it bad enough I have to fight for it.
Now something you need to know about megan is that shes fragile... she gets hurt easily and i like her a lot!Sooo I told her she should break up with her boyfriend and that they didnt look cute together, but I didnt realize how much I hurt her by saying that and now shes ignoring me soo today during gym I am going to try and talk to her.
About the whole liz thing ... I was reading my diary last night and I read this entry when I have just met Liz and I liked megan and It said how much I love liz as a best friend And how glad I am that shes in my life.
thinking back now .. If i had just told megan I liked her back then she and I would be together. Liz and I would be best friends.. Maybe I would be friends with maggie .. being liz did go out with her or maybe liz would have gone back out with cassie, but I would be happy .. together .. inlove with megan and I missed my chance .. every shot that I have. And now shes happy which makes me happy, but shes happy with the guy who started flirting with her then night i was going to tell her i liked her..the guy that ruined me and He keeps hurting her and I hate seeing her hurt... I care about her soo much and I don't know what to do .. I guess Im just glad she and I are still best friends :)
eww that was too much in depth sorry and all mushy and gooshy w.e you read it didnt you ? hahaa sucks for you! xD
im soo ugh idk .. Im in class right now lol .. arent I a good student?
So then she cheered me up and she said i should call my ex. I was like that might be a stupid idea but i hung up and called Liz. Being it was the bracelet she and I both wore when we were going out. But it Came off before and I put it back on And the thing is .. I am officially over Liz I have been for a while .. I mean like a piece of me will always be in love with her, but its like that with my other ex whom i fell in love with. Any ways So I called liz and i shouldnt have! I was so stupid to call her, but I did... And I left a message and she probably listened to it already and if she didnt hate me before she will most deffinately hate me now.
Soo I left her a message and realized after everything that the bracelet was in my pants lmao I DONT KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE SOO DONT BOTHER ASKING! ... Well I was happy because now I can hold on to the bracelet. You see when i wear something everyday for a really long ass time I have this problem where I cant through it away. I have to hold on to it .. So Its not just this specific bracelet , but its many bracelets that I have held and still hold on to today!
Soo Many of you are thinking .. ok ok she cried over the bracelet .. she had a full out break down because of the bracelet, but no thats not everything that happened. Earlier that day I was talking to my friend Megan through Im And the night before she and I both admitted we still think about each other all the time. So I talked to my friend and asked what I should do being she has a bf for nine months now, He and a few other people i asked said the same thing. If I want it bad enough I have to fight for it.
Now something you need to know about megan is that shes fragile... she gets hurt easily and i like her a lot!Sooo I told her she should break up with her boyfriend and that they didnt look cute together, but I didnt realize how much I hurt her by saying that and now shes ignoring me soo today during gym I am going to try and talk to her.
About the whole liz thing ... I was reading my diary last night and I read this entry when I have just met Liz and I liked megan and It said how much I love liz as a best friend And how glad I am that shes in my life.
thinking back now .. If i had just told megan I liked her back then she and I would be together. Liz and I would be best friends.. Maybe I would be friends with maggie .. being liz did go out with her or maybe liz would have gone back out with cassie, but I would be happy .. together .. inlove with megan and I missed my chance .. every shot that I have. And now shes happy which makes me happy, but shes happy with the guy who started flirting with her then night i was going to tell her i liked her..the guy that ruined me and He keeps hurting her and I hate seeing her hurt... I care about her soo much and I don't know what to do .. I guess Im just glad she and I are still best friends :)
eww that was too much in depth sorry and all mushy and gooshy w.e you read it didnt you ? hahaa sucks for you! xD
im soo ugh idk .. Im in class right now lol .. arent I a good student?
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