I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.-Benjamin Button

Time heals all wounds

To me; fearless is not the absence of fear. its not being completely unafraid. to me; fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. lots of them. to me; fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. fearless is falling madly in love again; even though you’ve been hurt before. fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. fearless is getting back up & fighting for what you want over and over again; even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. i think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though hes in love with someone else. & when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, i think its fearless to stop believing them. its fearless to say “you’re not sorry”, and walk away. i think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. i think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. letting go is fearless. then, moving on and being alright; thats fearless too. but no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. you have to believe in love stories & prince charmings & happily ever after. thats why i write these songs. because i think love is fearless.~Taylor swift

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

1 month .. easier than last time ... possibly harder?

I haven't written in a while so I guess things are going pretty well ... and the fact that I'm busy also makes it hard for me to be able to keep up with this on a daily basis, But I havent cut in exactly one month from today and addiction is addiction, but I've done it all before so I know I will be able to get through it. The eating has been tough but I'm pmsing and so i actually am eating like a normal person this week... but it feels like I'm eating a ton. Got into a fight with my friend last night (btw i decided I'm not using names on here anymore .. just the first letter) I got into a fight with A last night and the thing is I love that girl to death but we hardly are as close as we used to be and i miss that. After the fight I felt like cutting so I forced myself to go to jiujitsu .. actually L told me to go. I have no idea what i would to without her. So I went to jiujitsu and J treated me like shit .. always .. i don't understand what I did to him! like I try to be a good friend and supportive, but he hates me .. he says he cares but im convinced otherwise. haahaa S IMed me last night and asked me about my status. She told me I should drop L and J as best friends .. that I dont need them in my life junoir year of high school .. well fuck her! Yes he may hurt me, but I also know that while I was rushing around my house trying to find something to cut with in my most vulenerable times ... my razors and pocket knives were sleeping safe in his room and I also know for a fact that L would never hurt me. She has been there for me more than all of my friends combined and i've only met her about 7 months ago. So NO S I wont drop them as friends. J and L have both helped me stop cutting not just for them and for people around me, but finally for myself. Thats why this past week I went to my guidance counselor and I told her I'm ready to get help on my own, and i asked her for support groups. And just this morning I went to her office and picked up the refferals and although I want to cut .. I wont. And for that matter I wont drink either.. for I do know that I would become addicted. And I'm done with all this shit because I want to be happy again. And Now a different L.. I met her art jiujitsu and shes so nice and sweet and I'm glad i have these people in my life. And she will be in high school next year and I'm so excited. And I might see L with the ZZ tonight? not entirely sure but i think im going to go to class anyways and I hope L comes. This may be long .. maybe it is? idk if it is but idk .. its just everything that has been on my mind


ps. If you say you care about me.. show it.. or dont lie.. please
don't hurt me more than you have already

thanks
<3
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