I just got back from london and scotland (which was amazing), but to be with my mom for that long, I'm going crazy. And apparently every one has decided to yell at me for no reason .. which is just great. I feel numb, hopeless, hurt, broken, a failure, i feel like I'm drowning. Like I want to punch something cause cutting isn't even an option anymore. Sarah and John broke up .. which is .. idk .. i want to make sure hes ok and everything and he deserves better than sarah definately. But I also know hes my type, he fixed me before Liz, he was the only person I told about cutting and showed them scars and felt comfortable with him after only a week or two of meeting him. Hes amazing and I don't really know how I feel right now .. I could go for it and just see what happens . but that could ruin our friendship ,.. or i could just do nothing. But either way Imma wait a lil bit because hes going through stuff right now. I'm failing every class as of right now. Every class .. how the fuck does one person accomplish all of that? I'm a failure, and my nose is big. Last night I woke up at 4 am to blood all over my arm, face, sheets. Turns out it was a horrible nose bleed .. scared me .. triggered me to cutting, but i refuse .. i wont do it .. i want to be sane, clean, healthy for the people around me. But now I'm not suicidal or anything, but what does it matter if im here ... would anyone but lizz really be effected? i mean john and i are best friends, but i probably love him more than he loves me .. so would anyone care ? or would people all pretend to care because you know people want to have known the person who died ... to be recognized and sympathized. Sarah is not my friend anymore .. but she did tell me one important thing .. dont let senior year get the best of you .. but thats exactly wats going on .. she told me not to, but she never told me how.
im breaking .. and no one even notices .. no one cares.
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